So I’ve been Catholic less than a year. But, if you count back to when I was first drawn to the Church, then almost two years. But up to this point, I have still put the Mother of Our Lord on a shelf to think about another day. To be sure, I have accepted the dogmas of the Church regarding Mary. They don’t seem hard to believe. For example, the Assumption of Mary, although not specifically in Scripture and thus an extra biblical Tradition, it certainly doesn’t contradict Scripture. If God would choose to take Elijah up to heaven in a chariot, well, why not the Mother of Jesus? So that’s okay for me. The Immaculate Conception. I can accept this as well. After all, if Mary represents the New Ark of the Covenant and she held the “Word” and “Bread of Life” inside her womb, then why not be conceived without sin. I mean, if the old Ark of the Covenant was so holy that if anyone even accidentally touched it they died, then this only makes sense. Again, extra biblical but does not contradict Scripture. Mary needed a Savior the same as us, yet God in his Infinite Wisdom created her without sin by applying Christ’s sacrifice to her BEFORE conception. I can wrap my mind around that one too. I don’t think I could explain it to someone without reading it from a book to guide my words, but I assent to this teaching as well.

So what’s the problem.

I don’t feel anything for Mary yet. I’m afraid that if I let my heart feel anything, this means that I am not focusing on Jesus. So I am guarding my heart. My vision of the Church has gotten bigger than it used to be. While, it is still Jesus and me, I am thinking more and more about God the Father, the Holy Spirit, Mary his Mother, and Joseph his earthly father. I’m thinking more of the Saints who are in heaven and have walked this walk before me. And I think of them each in a different way than I did before my conversion. I am reminded they are outside of time, at the Throne of God worshiping the Lamb of God. They are worshiping with us at Mass as we experience Heaven on Earth during the Mass. They are praying for me. I have even asked my Patron Saint to pray for me, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, at times this past year.

And I have asked Mary to pray for me at various times. I’ve asked her to pray for me to be a better Mother, a Mother like her, especially when I’m blowing it with my kids.

But it seems this is all intellectual with me still. I don’t “feel” anything. To be sure I greatly admire her. But I don’t have the kind of relationship with Mary that I notice some of my fellow Catholics have.

To be honest, it sort of scares me.

But lately, it seems everywhere I turn there she is. The songs on the radio are songs about her. “Breath of Heaven” by Point of Grace. Wow. Or how about “What Child Is This?” (The babe, the son of MARY–those words jump out at me as I hear the song playing everywhere!) We went to a Living Nativity and there was Mary riding the donkey laboring as the Innkeeper turned them away. There she was holding the “babe” in the dark manger. How did she feel, holding the son of God? I have been trying to dwell on this Incarnation more. Such a mystery.

And I’ve been asking Jesus to show me what sort of relationship He wants me to have with His Mother, if any. I realize that He loves His Mother. Of course He does. And I believe that He gave Mary to the Church at the foot of the cross when He gave her to his disciple and said “Behold Your Mother”. But it’s all in my head, not my heart. I want to do His will. I don’t want to be hurting Him if I am not honoring His mother the way He wishes.

So then I went to Confession (Sacrament of Reconcilation) yesterday at a nearby parish, not my home parish. And after confessing what was bothering me, the priest gave me spiritual counsel that took me by surprise. He said he wants me to come back after Christmas and talk with him or another priest about consecrating my life to Jesus through Mary. Whoa! He said not to focus on it during Christmas because of the busy-ness of the holiday and because it’s such an important thing. But this is really hard for this former anti-Catholic “Whore of Babylon” believer to dive into. I am very trepiditious about giving anything of myself to anyone but God. This I don’t understand yet. But I do trust the Church, as I know that it was God who led me to the Catholic Church. And the priest said other things that confirmed to me the Holy Spirit was speaking through him to me. I needed to hear his counsel for sure. Just surprised about Mary. Is this Jesus answering my prayer?

So I’m praying at this point.

As I’m contemplating all this, “Breath of Heaven” just played again on the radio.

Lord, reveal Your will to me.

Amen.

I originally drafted this on August 25th, 2008. I forgot to post it, so I’m posting it now so it’s included in my journal which is what this blog really is. Something for me to look back on one day. Here’s the post:

Tomorrow is the first day of school for us. We are homeschoolers and I am anticipating all that we have planned the next few weeks. I also will be embarking on a new journey as a Catechist in our parishes RCIA. I do not feel prepared for this AT ALL. I still don’t “feel” Catholic if there is such a thing. I worry about how I can possibly catechize someone into the Faith when Easter was just a few months ago. THe good news is that I’m not alone, that I am only responsible for teaching a class every 5 weeks. I enjoy being in the RCIA program and so that part will be good, asking questions, learning still, etc. I just don’t like the leading part. But our priest asked me to do it, as well as our RCIA director. And I feel God nudging me that way. He hasn’t said no anyway.

The part I’m writing now is today, Sept 20th. By the way, I still haven’t sat in as the catechist yet. That will be on Oct. 11th. I’m nervous, especially after what happened at Mass a few Sundays ago. See next post on Modernism in the Church. But homeschooling is going well. Best year ever. Love our new support group. Have some wonderful new friends, and treasured friends from before my conversion, especially my best friend who I was the most worried about losing as a friend. But praise be to Our Lord, Jesus Christ! He is so good. She is still my best friend, and He has restored me. I feel He has blessed me beyond measure! For anyone out there who is wondering how things will work out, if you are the beginning of this journey into Catholicism, don’t give up! I was wondering how it would work out a year ago, would my kids meet other Catholic homeschoolers like them, I didn’t even know where we would find such a thing! My whole world was changing. I was overwhelmed about everything, including small things like which curriculum to use since I had so much to learn about Catholic history and faith issues myself. I was even wondering if perhaps God was leading me to stop homeschooling since it seemed like everything was pointing in that direction. I needed to find a Catholic homeschool group. I felt very isolated and like I didn’t fit in anywhere, not in my new parish where I was the outsider, nor in my former homeschool group because my choice to become Catholic might cause waves. I was scared of the future and lonely for friends who would understand my strange predicament. So anyway, I don’t remember if I posted the story here of how I met new Catholic homeschoolers, but in case I didn’t, here it is.

Last September was the beginning of the school year. Our former homeschool group which was a ministry of our former church a Calvary Chapel had died out. There were wonderful families and friends in that group, so many memories. I remembered our very first get together when my eldest son was just in kindergarten. We had a campout at the park and held hands in a big circle around the fire as we prayed and offered our children and ourselves to the Lord. It was a holy moment. I remember looking at those families through the campfire and thanking God for them, and imagining my children growing up with these children, homeschoolers who loved Jesus. But like I said, after our church split, the home school group died out. We all tried to get together for a “back to school park day’ one Friday last September 2007, two 1/2 years after our church had split now. But hardly anyone showed up. It was obvious to me that day and the others that did come that the group was over. I left that day teary eyed because I felt so alone as a homeschooler, but even more alone now as a Catholic homeschooler. In our parish I did not know any other families like ours, as far as I knew there weren’t any homeschoolers there. I wanted friends for my kiddos. I needed support. I needed a friend like me.

Anyway, I left the park that day with tears in my eyes, and I cried out to the Lord, “What is your plan for us, Lord? For me? For our children? Should we continue to homeschool or not? Lord, I feel so alone!” But as I got into my car and turned on the radio, this song was playing by the Kry. And I felt that familiar sweet Presence of the Holy Spirit in beautiful confirmation that I was not abandoned, that He cared for me, and He knew all of my thoughts and desires and worries. I felt assured that He did indeed have a plan. I had goosebumps all over me in the car and a feeling of peace. It was one of those moments I will remember forever, similar to the first day of my Catholic journey when He used music to lead me. Simply amazing how He reaches down at just the right moment.

Here are the lyrics.

“Take My Hand” from the Kry

I know there are times your dreams turn to dust.
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much?
Give me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a childlike heart
Simply put your hope in Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
just because you scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk.

Don’t live in the past
Yesterday is gone
Wishing memories would last
You’re afraid to carry on
You don’t know what’s coming
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you’ve hoped for and the evidence of things unseen
so take my hand and walk

Just like a child holding daddy’s hand
Don’t let go of mine
You know you can’t stand on your own

Take my hand and walk
Where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where i lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you hope for
And the evidence of the unseen
Take my hand and walk

Two weeks after this, my son began his catechism class to become Catholic, RCIC it’s called. When I met his teacher we were discussing each other’s backgrounds and she was a convert too! She came from an Episcopal background and that wasn’t similar to me, but it was nice to meet another RCIA person. She then asked me my story. I shared with her that I homeschooled and had been frequenting homeschool message board where I began hearing about Catholic things, mostly the REal Presence, and when I told her I homeschooled, her eyes lit up! She said, “You homeschool! My best friend homeschools, oh I wish I homeschooled too!” And I said, “Is your best friend Catholic?” And she said, “Yes! We meet at a park around here with other homeschoolers for a weekly park day!” I about fell over. I couldn’t believe it! The Lord had sent me to this parish, this liberal parish and if he had not, I would have never met this teacher who introduced me to my new Catholic homeschool group and some wonderful new friends who have been mentoring me in the Catholic faith. People like me. Simply amazing.

So anyway, like I said, God has restored me. And again, if you are just embarking on this journey into the Cathoilc Church, don’t give up. Our Lord is so good, so merciful, so amazing.

Thanks Be to God!

Sunday we had the Homilies of all Homilies. Our newly ordained Deacon gave a homily on the Social Teaching of the Church in light of the election around the corner and the importance of this election. He mentioned that life was sacred at all levels, not just from conception. I agree with this. But it was obvious that he had an agenda. He went on to talk about the need for the faithful Catholic to vote his conscience when it comes to the election. And that if after much prayer, studying the issue, and discussion , if you as a faithful Catholic disagreed with what the Church teaches (abortion) then you must vote your conscience. Okay, fine, I understand that not all Catholics will be voting for the candidate that is pro-life. They will look to the war as a “life issue”, even though there is a good argument to be made that abortion is the main issue on which to make your decision. But the main thing that troubles me is that I don’t think the pulpit is the place for our deacon to be discussing this. Especially, since I knew where he was heading in the future because of how our priest leans.

Oh my. I had to pray earnestly before receiving Holy Communion to help me forgive the Deacon. I had to fight back tears so as not to make a scene. This Church that I have come to BECAUSE of Authority and Eucharist, to have those that were born into her or who are in the Seminaries dissenting from the Magisterium and not appreciating the Church’s Authority just breaks my heart.

So I prayed for forgiveness “Help me to Love and forgive, Lord.” And then I received the Precious Body and Blood and Soul and Divinity from the Deacon’s hands. Afterwards I kneeled in prayer and thanksgiving and adoration. I even truly had forgiven our Deacon.

But then Father-right before dismissal-added his two cents. He said that he agreed with all that the Deacon said during the homily, but that he would only add one other thing regarding conscience. ANd that would be something that Cardinal Newman had said after the Pope’s infallibility doctrine was declared (I think that’s what he said). Cardinal Newman said (I’m paraphasing my priest), “I drink first to conscience and then to the Pope.” And then Father went on to talk about how we must examine our conscience because the Holy Spirit speaks to our conscience (I agree) and also because the Holy Spirit can impress upon the laity whether a teaching of the Church is true or not. Also, he never talked about how we need to have a PROPERLY FORMED conscience. The part he omitted was how we can use the Catechism, the Teaching of the Church and Scripture to help PROPERLY form our Conscience. Otherwise, our conscience can deceive us, but he never mentioned this. He just repeated that if our Conscience is going against the Church’s teaching, then we must go with our Conscience. And to illustrate this, he used the example of how 90% of Catholics disagree with the Church’s teaching on birth control. And so they practice birth control. And so it is acceptable and not a sin (nevermind the Church calls contraception intrinsically evil) because they are only following their conscience.

He said that during the 70’s he almost lost his position because of his stance on birth control and how he believed the Church was WRONG on this teaching. But praise be to the Blessed Mother, he did not lose his position. He then went on to say that since 90% of Catholics believe that birth control is wrong, that therefore the Church MUST BE WRONG ON THIS TEACHING. Can you believe that?!?!?!?!? A teaching of the Church is wrong, because the laity think it is. Nevermind that perhaps the reason the laity don’t like it is because it’s a hard teaching. Or perhaps the laity aren’t being taught why “no contraception”. Nevermind that the 90% of Catholics he is talking about are American Catholics, not Catholics of the whole world and of all time. But just because it’s unpopular does not make it wrong anyway. I would suggest that the opposite is true. Most likely, the more unpopular the teaching, the more likelihood it’s TRUE. After all, Our Lord didn’t come preaching things that were popular. His teachings were “hard teachings” as well. Turn the other cheek. Pick up your cross. Deny yourself. Even the Eucharist was a hard teaching and many disciples left him at that time. (See John 6)

Besides morality is not something one votes on. A thing is either moral or not! It doesn’t cease being moral. A thing is either True or Not. It doesn’t cease being TRUE just because we human beings change our mind on the thing.

Anyway, our priest thinks that this is a correct understanding of the “Sensus Fidelium”. I asked my spitfire members for help. Here is what one member replied with:

The Latin term you’re looking for is “sensus fidelium” – the “sense of the faithful”, if you will. The classic case is the definition of the dogma of the Immaculate Conception by Pope Pius IX. It is crucial to understand, contra your pastor and deacon, sensus fidelium is meant as a gift given to the faithful as a whole not as individual people. To use an ancient definition, it would be the faith “held always and everywhere, and by everyone”. As such, to attempt to use sensus fidelium as an argument for individual dissent on a topic of faith or morals long held by the Church is at best a mistaken misappropriation of a term and at best an attempt to confuse the people by and intentional mis-statement of a somewhat complex (in action, if not definition) concept.

So I just had to get this off my chest. We ain’t leaving this parish. DH says no way. We are not Protestants anymore, he says. We stay and do our part. He says that if we leave this parish for the orthodox one down the street, what’s to keep that parish from having a liberal priest come in a few years down the road, and then we’re faced with the same problem. So, we will stay and do our part, he says.

Pray for me. I’m not gifted with eloquence of speech. I have to speak in RCIA (as a catechist) and the topic I have been asked to speak on is LIFE of all things, and the Church’s teaching on LIFE. So I know that Fr. will come to sit in on this class, and obviously we will have a disagreement. I’m not so good at disagreements or butting heads. I fear I will not act with as much charity as I should. I fear I will stumble the new catecumen who is in our RCIA class.

Sigh.

It’s been sometime since I have posted to my blog. Easter has come and gone. I have thought a million thoughts about that Easter Vigil and keep telling myself I need to write it down here. But somehow words just can’t begin to express the wondrous events of that evening. So I keep putting it off. One thing does stand out though. A surprising thing. For so long I had been anticipating my first Holy Communion and receiving Jesus in Holy Communion was so wonderful. But the highlight of that night, THE MOMENT, was when Father laid his hands on me and confirmed me in the Catholic Faith. That was the moment that I didn’t expect to feel anything. But that was the moment that I felt the goosebumps all over with tears streaming down my face. I was Catholic at that moment. I felt a warmth pass through my body when Father laid hands on me. Yes, there is Grace in all of the Sacraments. So hard for me to understand, this grace which takes place in a physical act. Baptism by water. Confirmation by laying on of hands. Confession to the priest. Marriage. But in all of these, while it is a physical act, there is also faith working with the action. Intentions. Baptism is not complete without the proper intentions. The proper words must be used, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”. The faith of the parents, in the event of an infant baptism, or the faith of the older child of reason or adult is behind this intention as well.

Anyway, it seems so simplistic in some ways. I think I was rather gnostic in my beliefs before as a Protestant thinking that the physical things were bad, and of “the flesh” and something I must fight against. Only the spiritual was good. But God made me with a body. This is how I am different than the Angel. I am Spirit and a Body. This has been liberating for me as I put icons up around my house and feel free to gaze upon the crucifix or actually touch it. These are all aids to my worship of God. I am not worshiping the picture or the crucifix anymore than I worshiped my Bible when I held it in my hands as I prayed as an Evangelical. They are reminders to me of an actual event that took place for me a sinner. Christ on the Cross. Or Jesus at the Last Supper. It helps me remember. Just as the movie “The Passion” was such an aid to many Evangelicals, me included. Are movies an Idol? Well, I guess some might argue they can be. But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say idol. I’m talking about the use of the medium of cinema to portray the Gospel or the Passion of Christ is similar to the use of the crucifix or Rosary or icons by a Catholic Christian. We are using them for a similar purpose, that is to aid us in our meditation on what Christ did for us, to aid us in growing in prayer and holiness. The Catholic uses the Rosary beads to meditate on Christ’s life and his death and resurrection. I gaze at my crucifix and am reminded of what my sins cost Our Lord. I gaze at my icon of the Last Supper to remind me that He instituted the Holy Eucharist at the Last Supper. His Body broken for me. His Blood shed for me.

So it’s been nearly 4 months since the Easter Vigil. Since then my 2 year old was baptized. Praise Be to God! And also, my 9 year old son had his first Holy Communion. Funny thing…as I was preparing my son for this big day, we attended a workshop at the parish with his RCIA class. We were discussing the Real Presence, my son and I. And I said to him, “I know it’s hard to fathom how Jesus can be really present in the Host.” And my son said, “Not for me, Mom. I figure He’s God. He can do Anything.” Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said we must be like little children in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Do I feel any different now that I am Catholic? I don’t feel that different except that I feel “completed”. Like there are no dangling questions in the back of my mind about what is the Church. What are the essentials of the Christian Faith. I feel HOME. It’s such a wonderful feeling. I sometimes wonder if this is what Jewish person feels like when they realize that Jesus is their Messiah they’ve been waiting for. That’s how I felt when I realized that the Catholic Church was His Church. Completed. I don’t regret my Evangelical roots AT ALL. I learned so much about the Bible during those years. My faith was real and relevant. I just feel completed now.

Do I feel any different since taking the Eucharist? Yes, I can say I do feel different. I feel closer to Jesus. I also feel an insatiable desire to return again and again to Mass. For anyone that would say going to Mass too frequently or receiving Holy Communion too often is boring and repetitive, the opposite has been the case for me. I can’t go enough! I would go every day if possible. But with my 3 kiddos, it just hasn’t worked out yet. Hopefully one day it will. I have been able to go at least once during the week in addition to Sunday Mass. And it still feels like an eternity between each Mass.

Did I say how much I LOVE the Mass? How I love being with Our Lord at the Mass. I love walking into the chapel and knowing that He is Truly There. Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. That He humbled Himself into bread and wine for me a sinner. I eagerly anticipate Holy Communion each and every time. And while it can be a bit distracting with my 2 year old at my hip, it is comforting to know that the fruits of my being at the Mass is not dependent on my feelings about the Mass that day. I may not have felt a thing because of the distraction of my 2 year old, but partaking of Holy Communion combined with my Faith is enough for that moment. My Faith is not dependent on my feelings. Something is happening to me as I partake in Holy Communion and participate in the physical act of worship during the Mass that happens whether I’m feeling it or not. As an Evangelical, if I “heard” a good sermon, then I had been fed and it was the desire of my day. Hearing from God in the sermon. If the worship music moved me, then I had been touched by God. That was how I worshiped God….and in fact I didn’t feel that I had a true experience with God unless I felt Him during that service, heard a relevant word from the sermon, or moved to tears during worship. I’m not saying those things aren’t valid. I believe they are. They are still all good. I still look to hear the Word during the Readings at the Mass and apply it to my life. I am still moved to tears during the Songs at Mass. It’s just that after all of that at my Evangelical service, I still hungered for more! I didn’t know what it was I hungered for, I just knew I wanted More. I didn’t feel completely satisfied. I felt like something was missing. And that’s what is different now. I have found that more in the Eucharist.

Another thing that I thought about today as I sat in Mass was about how the Mass is a constant in this ever changing world. Yes, there have been changes over time, like in Vatican II when the altar rails were removed, and the priest began to face the congregation. I’m sure that was very hard for those parishioners during that time and still is for many. But what I mean is that the fundamentals of the Faith have not changed. There is still the Eucharistic Prayer, the Lord’s Prayer, the Gloria, the Hosanna , the Sign of the Peace, Holy Communion, and everything else about the Mass which is a constant. I love that I can walk into any parish in the world and hear the same readings as my fellow Christians, albeit in a different language most likely. The Holy Spirit guiding the Church. Rhythm. There is such a beautiful rhythm to the Mass. I am starting to understand this more and more.

Just some of my ponderings. I sort of stopped blogging for awhile. I think I will start up again. I have started reading Pope Benedict’s book, Jesus of Nazereth. I also intend to do a study on the book of Romans using an audio by Scott Hahn. I hope to post my thoughts on those here.

Last night was Holy Thursday. It was the most beautiful service I have attended so far. My heart filled with love for our priest, who I have struggled to understand at times …..but not last night….as he carried the Blessed Sacrament to the Altar of Repose…so carefully and respectfully and lovingly….I got teary. This Church that I have fought against in my past….this Church that I misunderstood…this Church that I now eagerly look forward to joining in just 24 hours at the Easter Vigil. I can hardly believe that I’m here! A year ago I wasn’t sure how any of this would work out. A year’s time seemed like an eternity to wait to receive my Lord in Holy Communion last Easter. All I could think then was how would everything work out with my family? My kids? My husband? Our marriage? As we struggled through issues such as NFP and other various Church teachings, especially dh. There were so many reasons for the family to not come with me, but thankfully, they are with me. My youngest dd will be baptized in the Catholic Church at the end of April. My eldest child and son will be receiving his first Communion in May. My second child and daughter is learning about Jesus and the Sacraments and His Church in her CCD class and will receive her first Communion next Easter. And dh will be joining the Church with me tomorrow night! It’s like a dream. All of it seems like a dream. God is so good to me. I deserve none of this. Today I feel like tomorrow is my wedding day complete with butterflies in my tummy.

Somebody pinch me…..

I can’t believe that Easter Vigil is almost here! Today we had our last meeting together before Easter Vigil as an RCIA class. Sister Karen led the Retreat and it was a very beautiful time. Lots of reflections and contemplations. At the end the director, a sweet little elderly man who I have grown to love and appreciate so much, asked me if my family (dh and I and kids) would present the Gifts on Easter Vigil! I can hardly fathom that I am about to receive Holy Eucharist for the first time, and that our family will be involved in such a special way. The Lord is so GOOD!

Also, my very best friend, who has been confused by my conversion, shared with me yesterday (she is reading Thomas Howard’s “Lead Kindly, Light” loaned to her by yours truly) that she understands why I’m converting. Even if she never converts herself….she understands why I would. She shared with me that she is on a journey of her own. And that she has been having dreams that she is worshiping God in the Catholic Church. She is very drawn right now. Just the fact that she shared this with me right before Easter Vigil is such a precious gift from the Lord to me! I have PEACE about my decision to follow Him into the Catholic Church. I am so very grateful and humbled by His love for me. That He would care so much as to allow my friend to have peace for me at this point in time and for her to share that with me right before my reception….I’m just so awed as His timing.

The doubts are gone. I am still nervous about actually receiving Holy Communion now, but not because I’m not sure if the Catholic Church is True or not….no….my nerves have to do with the fact that I am about to receive Jesus in Holy Communion for the first time and how unworthy I am. How much he has loved me my and how faithful He has been to me my life, even during the times when I am not faithful to Him. It grieves me to know how I have sinned against Him and hurt Him during my life. But He is so merciful. Today at the Retreat we were asked to listen with our Heart to the Readings and whatever phrases jumped out at us to mediate on those words over and over, praying for God to speak to our Hearts. My words were “Come to me, I will renew you”. I am almost Home!

The last month has been a rollercoaster. There was the high of the Rite of Continuing Conversion at the LA Cathedral a few weekends ago. I actually had my Rosary blessed by Cardinal Mahoney. Who’d have thunk this former Calvary Chapel chick would have done something like that! And every song and reading that day spoke right to my heart. The opening hymn was Amazing Grace, my favorite hymn (I’m sure it’s alot of people’s favorite hymn) but it was just like it was handpicked for me. That’s the hymn I sang with my Grandma in the car on the way to UC Davis as we prayed for my mom who was being airlifted there to ICU from a small hospital in Grass Valley. We sang “Amazing Grace” just the two of us, a prayer that my mom would live. And she did. I cried as I now sang this song at the Cathedral and remembered that drive with my Grandma.

The first Reading was about Abraham, and how God called him from his home to a new land, a foreign land. How I can relate to that. I’m coming home but I’m not there yet, Lord. Help me get there, I pray.

After the ceremony, the RCIA director and I were talking and he told me that Father (and he) had been talking, and would like me to consider joining the RCIA as a catechist next year, after Pentecost…so in just a few months! I told him I didn’t know! I would have to pray about it…..think about it….. that I didn’t feel Catholic yet….how could I help someone else become Catholic when I won’t have even been Catholic but for a few days?!? I went home that night feeling honored, but overwhelmed.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot…. the biggie…. my first confession was supposed to take place that following Wednesday. Well, I don’t know if it was the invitation to become a catechist (and not feeling worthy) or just the fact that I had been doing an Examination of Conscience to prepare for my First Confession. Nevertheless, that next morning, before Mass I was OVERWHELMED with the enormity of my past sins. Sins from decades ago that have never been confessed to anyone before. Sins I thought I had dealt with, but obviously were waaaaaaaaay back there in my unconscious still needing to be dealt with. I felt so burdened by them. I couldn’t quit weeping all through Mass. I wanted to have my First Confession NOW, not wait until that Wednesday. I’ve never felt that intense of a feeling before to get something COMPLETED. I even offered up a prayer to God if He in His Mercy could make it that I came in contact with a priest so that I could do just that. And He is so good! Father came to our RCIA that day, he hardly does this….maybe 5 times the whole year. And before I knew it I was blurting out through my tears that I needed to talk with him. And THEN before I knew it, I was giving my First Confession right there face-to-face in the parish activity center’s dining room. No one was around of course. Just he and I and the Lord. And I have never felt such Mercy in my life! There is grace in the Sacraments. My first experience. I didn’t have goosebumps or anything, just peace. And the burden was gone.

Last weekend was the Lenten Retreat. I was anointed with oil by the priest because I will be conditionally baptized at Easter Vigil since I don’t have a certificate-but I actually don’t mind being re-baptized. I think it may have to do with the fact that I was first baptized in a Baptist church when I was 7. And I’m not sure if the Baptist church was anti-Catholic or not, but I know many of them are and it doesn’t feel right to have my Baptism done if there was any chance it was done by Anti-Catholics. I know it’s already a done deal. But I will just “feel” better. I’m lame, I know….all this “feeling” stuff. Sigh.

Well, of course after the high comes the low. Atleast that is the way it is with me. I should have been prepared, but when will I learn to get prepared. To ignore the “feelings”…to ignore the “doubts”. It may have had something to do with my RCIA class, it’s getting more and more heated these days as the orthodox catechists debate the liberal dissenters. Atleast I realize now who is who! It used to just confuse me. But it does plant a seed of doubt in my mind as to whether the RCC has unity or not. My thinking goes like this: First I have to define what is unity. If I’m looking for everyone to agree like robots, well I’m not going to find that. You are striving for that in a Protestant church, atleast I was. If you felt that your disagreed with the pastor or didn’t like the way worship was or whatever it was that didn’t “appeal” to me/you, well, just go look for a new church. Easy enough here in America. We have a church on every corner where I live. There’s a street near me that has 5 or 6 churches right next to each other, all different denominations. Every year they have a Living Nativity and open their doors for people to come inside their Sanctuaries and listen to Christmas carols. This past year I went with new colored glasses….I also went inside the Catholic Church this year for the first time. I’ve been 4 years in a row now to the Living Nativity, but I never set foot in the Catholic Church. It was a false religion! That would be the same as eating dinner with the Anti-Christ. After all, the Pope was supposed to be the Anti-Christ! Anyway, I’m off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, unity….what is unity in the RCC? It is unity of faith and morals. Atleast that is how I understand it. I surely hope no one is here reading to learn about Catholicism from me. Turn away and find another blog. This is just my place to sort out my fried brain. Okay, unity…..we can look to the Church for teachings on Faith and Morals. Look to the Catechism which is very easy to read and understand. If you’re not sure what you think about abortion? Look to the Church. They’ve already decided…it’s wrong. It’s a sin. Same-sex marriage? Look to the Church. It’s been decided. What about birth control? Again, the Church has spoken. It makes life alot simpler. I can quit worrying about if I’m in the right church or not, if I’m being taught right or not. I can just BE, and WORSHIP, when I am at Church. I don’t have to be a theologian, or make sure I’m not in heresy. If I’m going against the Church, then I better take a second look at what I’m doing. I like what G.K. Chesterton said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I don’t want a Church that I agree with, I want a Church that is Right where I am Wrong!” OUCH! Why did I go on this tangent? Oh yeah, the RCIA class….the latest discussion was on whether Jesus made a mistake or not. The modernist Sister thinks so, our Priest thinks so, the orthodox catechists thinks NOT (there’s two of them) and my Sponsor thinks SO….having a sponsor that is so Protestant has been very difficult for me. I feel like I can’t go to him and ask him my hard questions. He tells me I should have more of an “open mind”! Where do we draw the line? The Church says Jesus was Fully Human and Fully God. The Catechism said nothing about Jesus making a mistake. It’s just a modernist movement in the Church, which I don’t get! Why do people want to buck the Authority? So within the Church there is not as much unity as I wish. There is unity in Faith and Morals from the Church’s teachings, but not within the laity. I confess that stumbles me.

That had me going back to my LLL board where this all began. I posted a sincere question. I wanted to hear from the “other side” what is my argument against the Authority of the Church as a Protestant? I asked for someone to help me understand it? I’ve even tried to convert myself back! I’ve tried to read opposing views, watched a terrible video, I wanted to hear those theologian wanna-be’s on LLL give me their best case. But some of them just got nasty! Accused me of my motives, etc. If they were trying to “save” their dear Sister in Christ, they just pushed me further to the Church! Which side has show more Love and Mercy….not always and I don’t want to be stereotypical, but for me, I have seen more Love and Mercy from the Catholics. I’m sure there are mean-spirited Catholics too. But I hope that if someone is sincere in asking me questions, I remember to respond to them with charity.

Anyway, all of that said to say I am on a spiritual roller coaster. I’m ready to get OFF! I’m so ready for Easter Vigil. I have done my best to convert back! For lack of a better way of describing it. But I am like St. Peter, where would I go? Which church would I convert back to? None of them have the fullness of the Faith! This is the real deal. Feelings or not. I don’t see anyway around the Authority of the Church. Not that I want to! I’m relieved that there is an Authority. I’m eager to meet my Lord in Holy Eucharist! I’m ready to GROW in the Grace and Knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Help Me Come Home, Lord! I’m almost there!

Only 3 more months or so until Easter. I feel like I know Church History well enough, at least well enough to not be able to turn back anymore. I also have a good understanding of the various apologetics of why the Catholic Church is Christ’s Church. I’ve studied out Peter and the Keys and all of the other various doctrinal issues that stumbled me in the beginning to feel confident that my choice is the right one. Bottom line, I am relieved that there is a Catholic Church. For when the thought crosses my mind that perhaps I’ve made a mistake, and I try and figure out which church to pick to worship at except for the Catholic Church….I come up blank. Either I care too much about facts and history and having my doctrine make sense, or here I must stand, waiting to be Catholic. To not be Catholic means to lose my faith. To not be Catholic means walking away from the Eucharist. And that simply is not an option. I know my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I cannot walk away from Him. He has led me here. That much is clear. It’s when I listen to the other voices that I get confused. The Church herself, Her Teaching is not confusing to me anymore. But….

The things that are stumbling me now:

1. Liberal priest.
2. Liberal nun that just started teaching our RCIA.
3. Clergy who disrespect the Magisterium.
4. Priest telling dh to get “V”.
5. Anti-Catholic tapes still play in my head from time to time.
6. Still trying to figure out how the Reformers could walk away from the Church…am I ignorant to run to Her?
7. Mary…although she’s also on my drawing closer list…go figure.

Things that are drawing me closer:

1. The Eucharist….how I long for the Eucharist!
2. Confession. I see the need in my own life. While I have confessed my sins privately all my life, they are still in my head haunting me.
3. Church History is very compelling. I don’t see any way around it.
4. Adoration
5. Richer prayer life because of the Rosary and many, many other prayers to learn.
6. Saints whose lives I can study for the rest of my life, and ask to pray for me.
7. Mary…I have included her in intercession requests now. And have even begun to pray the Rosary some.

Someone from the “catholic spitfire grill” quoted G.K. Chesterton as saying that the final stage of a convert’s journey is terrifying. I can SO relate to that. It’s like there is no going back once I say “yes” on Easter. The first stage of the journey was incredible. It was like a honeymoon. This stage is almost like a death, at least it seems that way when evaluating my former life as a Protestant which is no more. I sometimes feel like I’ve come out of a cult, even though I know it’s not quite the same. But I have been raised my entire life to believe the Bible is my Sole Authority, and not only that, I was even taught to suspect other denonimations as not truly being Christians either. Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, etc. these were all dead churches. They were too close to Catholicism in their formal church services. Churches should be free to the Spirit. Formal liturgy was dead. (I don’t think this anymore, by the way.) And even when attending a non-denominational church, one had to be careful that it wasn’t “watered down” or too “seeker friendly”. So even then you had to be careful that your doctrine was “right on”. Well, I learned that lesson really well. Because when my doctrine didn’t seem right on anymore, and I started realizing the contradictions in not only my church but also all the contradictions between the various denominations, I was compelled to dig deeper, find out the Truth. Which church was right? This ultimately led me to the Catholic Church. The last place I ever dreamed I would end up.

Unfortunately, I’ve also been taught many anti-Catholic lies over the years. Things like the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and that the Catholic Church is really the Whore of Babylon. When I hear of statues of Mary that cry tears of blood, my first thought is “Oh NO….see it’s true. I have been deceived. I am slipping into the great apostasy they used to talk about that would happen in the last days! This really is Satan’s Church! RUN!” But where would I run? Besides, once my freakout is over, there are always good answers to things I don’t understand in the Catholic Church. I had it explained to me that those statues and miracles speak to people when the Written Word cannot. Something hard for us literate Westerners to understand. Miracles minister to some people. Obviously, bleeding statues don’t minister to me. (Atleast not yet!) And that’s okay. The Church is so BIG….so much bigger than my previously narrow minded view. I am amazed still that He wooed me to His Church. I am so grateful that He wasn’t done with me. But like I said, this phase feels a bit like my old self is dying. Memories of former church fellowships, friendships that won’t be the same, family life that feels strained when speaking of things religious because they all think (except for my sister) that I’ve veered into a false church. They don’t get it. I wouldn’t get it if the shoes were reversed. It’s scary. And exciting. All in the same breath.

Today a new “RCC inquirer” reminded me of that feeling I had earlier in my journey….the feeling of “Why me, Lord?” Why do I see the Truth of the Catholic Church, but not those nearest and dearest to me. Why me? What am I missing? Do my friends, pastor, family and others more spiritually and theologically adept than me know something really important that I don’t about the Catholic Church, and if I did, would I then realize my error and run back to Protestant Land? But which church would I run back to? Which one included all the essentials of the Christian Faith as I now understood them to be? None of them. I searched all the other side out, looking for an argument to save me from my mistake. But none of them made since. Only the Catholic Church made sense. They had the more convincing argument, actually. They had the explanations for all of my questions that I used to push to the back of my mind for another day. And those wonderful ladies on the LLL forum were a convincing testimony to me as well. They were well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments. Seemed like how a Christian should act. Not that Protestants aren’t well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments, just that Catholics weren’t supposed to be. They were supposed to be non-thinking easily deceived ritualistic pagans that were being duped by the Pope into thinking they were worshiping Jesus. AND they weren’t supposed to have an argument.

And I remember being confounded that those around me couldn’t see what I could see. It really bothered me. Actually it scared me. I remember asking the gals from the Spitfire Grill, “Why Can’t They See It”. And their answer was it was His Grace given to me to see. There was nothing more special about me than anyone else….I wasn’t smarter or more reflective or more anything except that I had asked God to show me more about Him, I wanted to know “Who He Is?” I asked….and He answered. God doesn’t push Himself on anyone. If you want more, He will give you more. But you have to ask. I will confess I did NOT expect the answer He gave me.

2 years back, when my journey began I remember feeling so desperate when I was worried for my loved one’s salvation (which now looking back I shouldn’t have, she was just fine) but at that time I was so worried, and that was when the first chipping of my Protestant foundation began, when I first realized that maybe I might not have my doctrine right after all. Maybe it was my understanding of the Bible and who God is that was wrong, not my loved ones. So I asked God, I remember crying out to him from my living room couch, tears streaming down my face, “What does it mean to serve you, the Living God of the Universe?” “Because I want to serve YOU, not who I think you are, not someone I’ve made you up to be, but You God.” “Please Show Me The Truth”. I felt so low. But lower times were to come. Because that was before my comfortable church home split up. That was before we began church shopping and seeing all the differences out there. That was when the real hard questions began….like why am I a Christian? And what is a Christian? And what if this is all make believe? I was close to becoming agnostic. Not an atheist, because I never stopped believing that there was Someone Who Made It All. But I didn’t have a solid foundation for my Faith. It was all built on the Bible alone. But I was starting to doubt the Bible because everyone and their Grandma was quoting from it to make it say what they wanted it to say, including myself. And I needed to know that it spoke clearly. It’s almost hard for me to believe now that I didn’t think these questions before!!!

And how does conversion take place? Even that is a weird thing if you think about it. I guess that is what Jesus is talking about when He says you must be born AGAIN. The first conversion is just as hard to understand but we accept it in childlike faith. I remember watching an episode of “The Journey Home” and Fr. Benedict Groeschel was on (I think that is who, but don’t quote me on that) and he mentioned something about your entire life being a series of conversions. To be open to them. And that the conversion to the Catholic Church is an intellectual one for Protestants. That makes sense to me, but still…..very strange this journey from one land to the other. I don’t look at my past Christian walk in various denominations as a waste of time, but truly God was using all of the stops along the way to bring me home to the Catholic Church. Why did it take so long? I don’t know, but I am thankful that it didn’t take longer!

So a few days ago in my car I was thinking about the disciples. I was reflecting on how much time they spent with Jesus before his death and then after his resurrection. Reflecting on how much they loved Him. And thinking about how hard it would have been for them when he ascended to the Father. I was wondering what that first Eucharistic gathering was like after his Ascension…. the first time that the disciples broke the bread and drank the wine, “eating his flesh and drinking his blood” and remembering His words to them. How emotional it must have been for them! I’m sure they missed Him terribly. A flood of emotions hit me as I thought this very thought. It made it seem so real to me what the Eucharist is about. I am longing to receive Him in this way. I’m so thankful He called me to the Catholic Church so that I can.