Only 3 more months or so until Easter. I feel like I know Church History well enough, at least well enough to not be able to turn back anymore. I also have a good understanding of the various apologetics of why the Catholic Church is Christ’s Church. I’ve studied out Peter and the Keys and all of the other various doctrinal issues that stumbled me in the beginning to feel confident that my choice is the right one. Bottom line, I am relieved that there is a Catholic Church. For when the thought crosses my mind that perhaps I’ve made a mistake, and I try and figure out which church to pick to worship at except for the Catholic Church….I come up blank. Either I care too much about facts and history and having my doctrine make sense, or here I must stand, waiting to be Catholic. To not be Catholic means to lose my faith. To not be Catholic means walking away from the Eucharist. And that simply is not an option. I know my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I cannot walk away from Him. He has led me here. That much is clear. It’s when I listen to the other voices that I get confused. The Church herself, Her Teaching is not confusing to me anymore. But….

The things that are stumbling me now:

1. Liberal priest.
2. Liberal nun that just started teaching our RCIA.
3. Clergy who disrespect the Magisterium.
4. Priest telling dh to get “V”.
5. Anti-Catholic tapes still play in my head from time to time.
6. Still trying to figure out how the Reformers could walk away from the Church…am I ignorant to run to Her?
7. Mary…although she’s also on my drawing closer list…go figure.

Things that are drawing me closer:

1. The Eucharist….how I long for the Eucharist!
2. Confession. I see the need in my own life. While I have confessed my sins privately all my life, they are still in my head haunting me.
3. Church History is very compelling. I don’t see any way around it.
4. Adoration
5. Richer prayer life because of the Rosary and many, many other prayers to learn.
6. Saints whose lives I can study for the rest of my life, and ask to pray for me.
7. Mary…I have included her in intercession requests now. And have even begun to pray the Rosary some.

Someone from the “catholic spitfire grill” quoted G.K. Chesterton as saying that the final stage of a convert’s journey is terrifying. I can SO relate to that. It’s like there is no going back once I say “yes” on Easter. The first stage of the journey was incredible. It was like a honeymoon. This stage is almost like a death, at least it seems that way when evaluating my former life as a Protestant which is no more. I sometimes feel like I’ve come out of a cult, even though I know it’s not quite the same. But I have been raised my entire life to believe the Bible is my Sole Authority, and not only that, I was even taught to suspect other denonimations as not truly being Christians either. Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, etc. these were all dead churches. They were too close to Catholicism in their formal church services. Churches should be free to the Spirit. Formal liturgy was dead. (I don’t think this anymore, by the way.) And even when attending a non-denominational church, one had to be careful that it wasn’t “watered down” or too “seeker friendly”. So even then you had to be careful that your doctrine was “right on”. Well, I learned that lesson really well. Because when my doctrine didn’t seem right on anymore, and I started realizing the contradictions in not only my church but also all the contradictions between the various denominations, I was compelled to dig deeper, find out the Truth. Which church was right? This ultimately led me to the Catholic Church. The last place I ever dreamed I would end up.

Unfortunately, I’ve also been taught many anti-Catholic lies over the years. Things like the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and that the Catholic Church is really the Whore of Babylon. When I hear of statues of Mary that cry tears of blood, my first thought is “Oh NO….see it’s true. I have been deceived. I am slipping into the great apostasy they used to talk about that would happen in the last days! This really is Satan’s Church! RUN!” But where would I run? Besides, once my freakout is over, there are always good answers to things I don’t understand in the Catholic Church. I had it explained to me that those statues and miracles speak to people when the Written Word cannot. Something hard for us literate Westerners to understand. Miracles minister to some people. Obviously, bleeding statues don’t minister to me. (Atleast not yet!) And that’s okay. The Church is so BIG….so much bigger than my previously narrow minded view. I am amazed still that He wooed me to His Church. I am so grateful that He wasn’t done with me. But like I said, this phase feels a bit like my old self is dying. Memories of former church fellowships, friendships that won’t be the same, family life that feels strained when speaking of things religious because they all think (except for my sister) that I’ve veered into a false church. They don’t get it. I wouldn’t get it if the shoes were reversed. It’s scary. And exciting. All in the same breath.