The last month has been a rollercoaster. There was the high of the Rite of Continuing Conversion at the LA Cathedral a few weekends ago. I actually had my Rosary blessed by Cardinal Mahoney. Who’d have thunk this former Calvary Chapel chick would have done something like that! And every song and reading that day spoke right to my heart. The opening hymn was Amazing Grace, my favorite hymn (I’m sure it’s alot of people’s favorite hymn) but it was just like it was handpicked for me. That’s the hymn I sang with my Grandma in the car on the way to UC Davis as we prayed for my mom who was being airlifted there to ICU from a small hospital in Grass Valley. We sang “Amazing Grace” just the two of us, a prayer that my mom would live. And she did. I cried as I now sang this song at the Cathedral and remembered that drive with my Grandma.

The first Reading was about Abraham, and how God called him from his home to a new land, a foreign land. How I can relate to that. I’m coming home but I’m not there yet, Lord. Help me get there, I pray.

After the ceremony, the RCIA director and I were talking and he told me that Father (and he) had been talking, and would like me to consider joining the RCIA as a catechist next year, after Pentecost…so in just a few months! I told him I didn’t know! I would have to pray about it…..think about it….. that I didn’t feel Catholic yet….how could I help someone else become Catholic when I won’t have even been Catholic but for a few days?!? I went home that night feeling honored, but overwhelmed.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot…. the biggie…. my first confession was supposed to take place that following Wednesday. Well, I don’t know if it was the invitation to become a catechist (and not feeling worthy) or just the fact that I had been doing an Examination of Conscience to prepare for my First Confession. Nevertheless, that next morning, before Mass I was OVERWHELMED with the enormity of my past sins. Sins from decades ago that have never been confessed to anyone before. Sins I thought I had dealt with, but obviously were waaaaaaaaay back there in my unconscious still needing to be dealt with. I felt so burdened by them. I couldn’t quit weeping all through Mass. I wanted to have my First Confession NOW, not wait until that Wednesday. I’ve never felt that intense of a feeling before to get something COMPLETED. I even offered up a prayer to God if He in His Mercy could make it that I came in contact with a priest so that I could do just that. And He is so good! Father came to our RCIA that day, he hardly does this….maybe 5 times the whole year. And before I knew it I was blurting out through my tears that I needed to talk with him. And THEN before I knew it, I was giving my First Confession right there face-to-face in the parish activity center’s dining room. No one was around of course. Just he and I and the Lord. And I have never felt such Mercy in my life! There is grace in the Sacraments. My first experience. I didn’t have goosebumps or anything, just peace. And the burden was gone.

Last weekend was the Lenten Retreat. I was anointed with oil by the priest because I will be conditionally baptized at Easter Vigil since I don’t have a certificate-but I actually don’t mind being re-baptized. I think it may have to do with the fact that I was first baptized in a Baptist church when I was 7. And I’m not sure if the Baptist church was anti-Catholic or not, but I know many of them are and it doesn’t feel right to have my Baptism done if there was any chance it was done by Anti-Catholics. I know it’s already a done deal. But I will just “feel” better. I’m lame, I know….all this “feeling” stuff. Sigh.

Well, of course after the high comes the low. Atleast that is the way it is with me. I should have been prepared, but when will I learn to get prepared. To ignore the “feelings”…to ignore the “doubts”. It may have had something to do with my RCIA class, it’s getting more and more heated these days as the orthodox catechists debate the liberal dissenters. Atleast I realize now who is who! It used to just confuse me. But it does plant a seed of doubt in my mind as to whether the RCC has unity or not. My thinking goes like this: First I have to define what is unity. If I’m looking for everyone to agree like robots, well I’m not going to find that. You are striving for that in a Protestant church, atleast I was. If you felt that your disagreed with the pastor or didn’t like the way worship was or whatever it was that didn’t “appeal” to me/you, well, just go look for a new church. Easy enough here in America. We have a church on every corner where I live. There’s a street near me that has 5 or 6 churches right next to each other, all different denominations. Every year they have a Living Nativity and open their doors for people to come inside their Sanctuaries and listen to Christmas carols. This past year I went with new colored glasses….I also went inside the Catholic Church this year for the first time. I’ve been 4 years in a row now to the Living Nativity, but I never set foot in the Catholic Church. It was a false religion! That would be the same as eating dinner with the Anti-Christ. After all, the Pope was supposed to be the Anti-Christ! Anyway, I’m off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, unity….what is unity in the RCC? It is unity of faith and morals. Atleast that is how I understand it. I surely hope no one is here reading to learn about Catholicism from me. Turn away and find another blog. This is just my place to sort out my fried brain. Okay, unity…..we can look to the Church for teachings on Faith and Morals. Look to the Catechism which is very easy to read and understand. If you’re not sure what you think about abortion? Look to the Church. They’ve already decided…it’s wrong. It’s a sin. Same-sex marriage? Look to the Church. It’s been decided. What about birth control? Again, the Church has spoken. It makes life alot simpler. I can quit worrying about if I’m in the right church or not, if I’m being taught right or not. I can just BE, and WORSHIP, when I am at Church. I don’t have to be a theologian, or make sure I’m not in heresy. If I’m going against the Church, then I better take a second look at what I’m doing. I like what G.K. Chesterton said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I don’t want a Church that I agree with, I want a Church that is Right where I am Wrong!” OUCH! Why did I go on this tangent? Oh yeah, the RCIA class….the latest discussion was on whether Jesus made a mistake or not. The modernist Sister thinks so, our Priest thinks so, the orthodox catechists thinks NOT (there’s two of them) and my Sponsor thinks SO….having a sponsor that is so Protestant has been very difficult for me. I feel like I can’t go to him and ask him my hard questions. He tells me I should have more of an “open mind”! Where do we draw the line? The Church says Jesus was Fully Human and Fully God. The Catechism said nothing about Jesus making a mistake. It’s just a modernist movement in the Church, which I don’t get! Why do people want to buck the Authority? So within the Church there is not as much unity as I wish. There is unity in Faith and Morals from the Church’s teachings, but not within the laity. I confess that stumbles me.

That had me going back to my LLL board where this all began. I posted a sincere question. I wanted to hear from the “other side” what is my argument against the Authority of the Church as a Protestant? I asked for someone to help me understand it? I’ve even tried to convert myself back! I’ve tried to read opposing views, watched a terrible video, I wanted to hear those theologian wanna-be’s on LLL give me their best case. But some of them just got nasty! Accused me of my motives, etc. If they were trying to “save” their dear Sister in Christ, they just pushed me further to the Church! Which side has show more Love and Mercy….not always and I don’t want to be stereotypical, but for me, I have seen more Love and Mercy from the Catholics. I’m sure there are mean-spirited Catholics too. But I hope that if someone is sincere in asking me questions, I remember to respond to them with charity.

Anyway, all of that said to say I am on a spiritual roller coaster. I’m ready to get OFF! I’m so ready for Easter Vigil. I have done my best to convert back! For lack of a better way of describing it. But I am like St. Peter, where would I go? Which church would I convert back to? None of them have the fullness of the Faith! This is the real deal. Feelings or not. I don’t see anyway around the Authority of the Church. Not that I want to! I’m relieved that there is an Authority. I’m eager to meet my Lord in Holy Eucharist! I’m ready to GROW in the Grace and Knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Help Me Come Home, Lord! I’m almost there!