It’s been sometime since I have posted to my blog. Easter has come and gone. I have thought a million thoughts about that Easter Vigil and keep telling myself I need to write it down here. But somehow words just can’t begin to express the wondrous events of that evening. So I keep putting it off. One thing does stand out though. A surprising thing. For so long I had been anticipating my first Holy Communion and receiving Jesus in Holy Communion was so wonderful. But the highlight of that night, THE MOMENT, was when Father laid his hands on me and confirmed me in the Catholic Faith. That was the moment that I didn’t expect to feel anything. But that was the moment that I felt the goosebumps all over with tears streaming down my face. I was Catholic at that moment. I felt a warmth pass through my body when Father laid hands on me. Yes, there is Grace in all of the Sacraments. So hard for me to understand, this grace which takes place in a physical act. Baptism by water. Confirmation by laying on of hands. Confession to the priest. Marriage. But in all of these, while it is a physical act, there is also faith working with the action. Intentions. Baptism is not complete without the proper intentions. The proper words must be used, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”. The faith of the parents, in the event of an infant baptism, or the faith of the older child of reason or adult is behind this intention as well.

Anyway, it seems so simplistic in some ways. I think I was rather gnostic in my beliefs before as a Protestant thinking that the physical things were bad, and of “the flesh” and something I must fight against. Only the spiritual was good. But God made me with a body. This is how I am different than the Angel. I am Spirit and a Body. This has been liberating for me as I put icons up around my house and feel free to gaze upon the crucifix or actually touch it. These are all aids to my worship of God. I am not worshiping the picture or the crucifix anymore than I worshiped my Bible when I held it in my hands as I prayed as an Evangelical. They are reminders to me of an actual event that took place for me a sinner. Christ on the Cross. Or Jesus at the Last Supper. It helps me remember. Just as the movie “The Passion” was such an aid to many Evangelicals, me included. Are movies an Idol? Well, I guess some might argue they can be. But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say idol. I’m talking about the use of the medium of cinema to portray the Gospel or the Passion of Christ is similar to the use of the crucifix or Rosary or icons by a Catholic Christian. We are using them for a similar purpose, that is to aid us in our meditation on what Christ did for us, to aid us in growing in prayer and holiness. The Catholic uses the Rosary beads to meditate on Christ’s life and his death and resurrection. I gaze at my crucifix and am reminded of what my sins cost Our Lord. I gaze at my icon of the Last Supper to remind me that He instituted the Holy Eucharist at the Last Supper. His Body broken for me. His Blood shed for me.

So it’s been nearly 4 months since the Easter Vigil. Since then my 2 year old was baptized. Praise Be to God! And also, my 9 year old son had his first Holy Communion. Funny thing…as I was preparing my son for this big day, we attended a workshop at the parish with his RCIA class. We were discussing the Real Presence, my son and I. And I said to him, “I know it’s hard to fathom how Jesus can be really present in the Host.” And my son said, “Not for me, Mom. I figure He’s God. He can do Anything.” Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said we must be like little children in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Do I feel any different now that I am Catholic? I don’t feel that different except that I feel “completed”. Like there are no dangling questions in the back of my mind about what is the Church. What are the essentials of the Christian Faith. I feel HOME. It’s such a wonderful feeling. I sometimes wonder if this is what Jewish person feels like when they realize that Jesus is their Messiah they’ve been waiting for. That’s how I felt when I realized that the Catholic Church was His Church. Completed. I don’t regret my Evangelical roots AT ALL. I learned so much about the Bible during those years. My faith was real and relevant. I just feel completed now.

Do I feel any different since taking the Eucharist? Yes, I can say I do feel different. I feel closer to Jesus. I also feel an insatiable desire to return again and again to Mass. For anyone that would say going to Mass too frequently or receiving Holy Communion too often is boring and repetitive, the opposite has been the case for me. I can’t go enough! I would go every day if possible. But with my 3 kiddos, it just hasn’t worked out yet. Hopefully one day it will. I have been able to go at least once during the week in addition to Sunday Mass. And it still feels like an eternity between each Mass.

Did I say how much I LOVE the Mass? How I love being with Our Lord at the Mass. I love walking into the chapel and knowing that He is Truly There. Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. That He humbled Himself into bread and wine for me a sinner. I eagerly anticipate Holy Communion each and every time. And while it can be a bit distracting with my 2 year old at my hip, it is comforting to know that the fruits of my being at the Mass is not dependent on my feelings about the Mass that day. I may not have felt a thing because of the distraction of my 2 year old, but partaking of Holy Communion combined with my Faith is enough for that moment. My Faith is not dependent on my feelings. Something is happening to me as I partake in Holy Communion and participate in the physical act of worship during the Mass that happens whether I’m feeling it or not. As an Evangelical, if I “heard” a good sermon, then I had been fed and it was the desire of my day. Hearing from God in the sermon. If the worship music moved me, then I had been touched by God. That was how I worshiped God….and in fact I didn’t feel that I had a true experience with God unless I felt Him during that service, heard a relevant word from the sermon, or moved to tears during worship. I’m not saying those things aren’t valid. I believe they are. They are still all good. I still look to hear the Word during the Readings at the Mass and apply it to my life. I am still moved to tears during the Songs at Mass. It’s just that after all of that at my Evangelical service, I still hungered for more! I didn’t know what it was I hungered for, I just knew I wanted More. I didn’t feel completely satisfied. I felt like something was missing. And that’s what is different now. I have found that more in the Eucharist.

Another thing that I thought about today as I sat in Mass was about how the Mass is a constant in this ever changing world. Yes, there have been changes over time, like in Vatican II when the altar rails were removed, and the priest began to face the congregation. I’m sure that was very hard for those parishioners during that time and still is for many. But what I mean is that the fundamentals of the Faith have not changed. There is still the Eucharistic Prayer, the Lord’s Prayer, the Gloria, the Hosanna , the Sign of the Peace, Holy Communion, and everything else about the Mass which is a constant. I love that I can walk into any parish in the world and hear the same readings as my fellow Christians, albeit in a different language most likely. The Holy Spirit guiding the Church. Rhythm. There is such a beautiful rhythm to the Mass. I am starting to understand this more and more.

Just some of my ponderings. I sort of stopped blogging for awhile. I think I will start up again. I have started reading Pope Benedict’s book, Jesus of Nazereth. I also intend to do a study on the book of Romans using an audio by Scott Hahn. I hope to post my thoughts on those here.