The last month has been a rollercoaster. There was the high of the Rite of Continuing Conversion at the LA Cathedral a few weekends ago. I actually had my Rosary blessed by Cardinal Mahoney. Who’d have thunk this former Calvary Chapel chick would have done something like that! And every song and reading that day spoke right to my heart. The opening hymn was Amazing Grace, my favorite hymn (I’m sure it’s alot of people’s favorite hymn) but it was just like it was handpicked for me. That’s the hymn I sang with my Grandma in the car on the way to UC Davis as we prayed for my mom who was being airlifted there to ICU from a small hospital in Grass Valley. We sang “Amazing Grace” just the two of us, a prayer that my mom would live. And she did. I cried as I now sang this song at the Cathedral and remembered that drive with my Grandma.

The first Reading was about Abraham, and how God called him from his home to a new land, a foreign land. How I can relate to that. I’m coming home but I’m not there yet, Lord. Help me get there, I pray.

After the ceremony, the RCIA director and I were talking and he told me that Father (and he) had been talking, and would like me to consider joining the RCIA as a catechist next year, after Pentecost…so in just a few months! I told him I didn’t know! I would have to pray about it…..think about it….. that I didn’t feel Catholic yet….how could I help someone else become Catholic when I won’t have even been Catholic but for a few days?!? I went home that night feeling honored, but overwhelmed.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot…. the biggie…. my first confession was supposed to take place that following Wednesday. Well, I don’t know if it was the invitation to become a catechist (and not feeling worthy) or just the fact that I had been doing an Examination of Conscience to prepare for my First Confession. Nevertheless, that next morning, before Mass I was OVERWHELMED with the enormity of my past sins. Sins from decades ago that have never been confessed to anyone before. Sins I thought I had dealt with, but obviously were waaaaaaaaay back there in my unconscious still needing to be dealt with. I felt so burdened by them. I couldn’t quit weeping all through Mass. I wanted to have my First Confession NOW, not wait until that Wednesday. I’ve never felt that intense of a feeling before to get something COMPLETED. I even offered up a prayer to God if He in His Mercy could make it that I came in contact with a priest so that I could do just that. And He is so good! Father came to our RCIA that day, he hardly does this….maybe 5 times the whole year. And before I knew it I was blurting out through my tears that I needed to talk with him. And THEN before I knew it, I was giving my First Confession right there face-to-face in the parish activity center’s dining room. No one was around of course. Just he and I and the Lord. And I have never felt such Mercy in my life! There is grace in the Sacraments. My first experience. I didn’t have goosebumps or anything, just peace. And the burden was gone.

Last weekend was the Lenten Retreat. I was anointed with oil by the priest because I will be conditionally baptized at Easter Vigil since I don’t have a certificate-but I actually don’t mind being re-baptized. I think it may have to do with the fact that I was first baptized in a Baptist church when I was 7. And I’m not sure if the Baptist church was anti-Catholic or not, but I know many of them are and it doesn’t feel right to have my Baptism done if there was any chance it was done by Anti-Catholics. I know it’s already a done deal. But I will just “feel” better. I’m lame, I know….all this “feeling” stuff. Sigh.

Well, of course after the high comes the low. Atleast that is the way it is with me. I should have been prepared, but when will I learn to get prepared. To ignore the “feelings”…to ignore the “doubts”. It may have had something to do with my RCIA class, it’s getting more and more heated these days as the orthodox catechists debate the liberal dissenters. Atleast I realize now who is who! It used to just confuse me. But it does plant a seed of doubt in my mind as to whether the RCC has unity or not. My thinking goes like this: First I have to define what is unity. If I’m looking for everyone to agree like robots, well I’m not going to find that. You are striving for that in a Protestant church, atleast I was. If you felt that your disagreed with the pastor or didn’t like the way worship was or whatever it was that didn’t “appeal” to me/you, well, just go look for a new church. Easy enough here in America. We have a church on every corner where I live. There’s a street near me that has 5 or 6 churches right next to each other, all different denominations. Every year they have a Living Nativity and open their doors for people to come inside their Sanctuaries and listen to Christmas carols. This past year I went with new colored glasses….I also went inside the Catholic Church this year for the first time. I’ve been 4 years in a row now to the Living Nativity, but I never set foot in the Catholic Church. It was a false religion! That would be the same as eating dinner with the Anti-Christ. After all, the Pope was supposed to be the Anti-Christ! Anyway, I’m off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, unity….what is unity in the RCC? It is unity of faith and morals. Atleast that is how I understand it. I surely hope no one is here reading to learn about Catholicism from me. Turn away and find another blog. This is just my place to sort out my fried brain. Okay, unity…..we can look to the Church for teachings on Faith and Morals. Look to the Catechism which is very easy to read and understand. If you’re not sure what you think about abortion? Look to the Church. They’ve already decided…it’s wrong. It’s a sin. Same-sex marriage? Look to the Church. It’s been decided. What about birth control? Again, the Church has spoken. It makes life alot simpler. I can quit worrying about if I’m in the right church or not, if I’m being taught right or not. I can just BE, and WORSHIP, when I am at Church. I don’t have to be a theologian, or make sure I’m not in heresy. If I’m going against the Church, then I better take a second look at what I’m doing. I like what G.K. Chesterton said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I don’t want a Church that I agree with, I want a Church that is Right where I am Wrong!” OUCH! Why did I go on this tangent? Oh yeah, the RCIA class….the latest discussion was on whether Jesus made a mistake or not. The modernist Sister thinks so, our Priest thinks so, the orthodox catechists thinks NOT (there’s two of them) and my Sponsor thinks SO….having a sponsor that is so Protestant has been very difficult for me. I feel like I can’t go to him and ask him my hard questions. He tells me I should have more of an “open mind”! Where do we draw the line? The Church says Jesus was Fully Human and Fully God. The Catechism said nothing about Jesus making a mistake. It’s just a modernist movement in the Church, which I don’t get! Why do people want to buck the Authority? So within the Church there is not as much unity as I wish. There is unity in Faith and Morals from the Church’s teachings, but not within the laity. I confess that stumbles me.

That had me going back to my LLL board where this all began. I posted a sincere question. I wanted to hear from the “other side” what is my argument against the Authority of the Church as a Protestant? I asked for someone to help me understand it? I’ve even tried to convert myself back! I’ve tried to read opposing views, watched a terrible video, I wanted to hear those theologian wanna-be’s on LLL give me their best case. But some of them just got nasty! Accused me of my motives, etc. If they were trying to “save” their dear Sister in Christ, they just pushed me further to the Church! Which side has show more Love and Mercy….not always and I don’t want to be stereotypical, but for me, I have seen more Love and Mercy from the Catholics. I’m sure there are mean-spirited Catholics too. But I hope that if someone is sincere in asking me questions, I remember to respond to them with charity.

Anyway, all of that said to say I am on a spiritual roller coaster. I’m ready to get OFF! I’m so ready for Easter Vigil. I have done my best to convert back! For lack of a better way of describing it. But I am like St. Peter, where would I go? Which church would I convert back to? None of them have the fullness of the Faith! This is the real deal. Feelings or not. I don’t see anyway around the Authority of the Church. Not that I want to! I’m relieved that there is an Authority. I’m eager to meet my Lord in Holy Eucharist! I’m ready to GROW in the Grace and Knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Help Me Come Home, Lord! I’m almost there!

Only 3 more months or so until Easter. I feel like I know Church History well enough, at least well enough to not be able to turn back anymore. I also have a good understanding of the various apologetics of why the Catholic Church is Christ’s Church. I’ve studied out Peter and the Keys and all of the other various doctrinal issues that stumbled me in the beginning to feel confident that my choice is the right one. Bottom line, I am relieved that there is a Catholic Church. For when the thought crosses my mind that perhaps I’ve made a mistake, and I try and figure out which church to pick to worship at except for the Catholic Church….I come up blank. Either I care too much about facts and history and having my doctrine make sense, or here I must stand, waiting to be Catholic. To not be Catholic means to lose my faith. To not be Catholic means walking away from the Eucharist. And that simply is not an option. I know my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I cannot walk away from Him. He has led me here. That much is clear. It’s when I listen to the other voices that I get confused. The Church herself, Her Teaching is not confusing to me anymore. But….

The things that are stumbling me now:

1. Liberal priest.
2. Liberal nun that just started teaching our RCIA.
3. Clergy who disrespect the Magisterium.
4. Priest telling dh to get “V”.
5. Anti-Catholic tapes still play in my head from time to time.
6. Still trying to figure out how the Reformers could walk away from the Church…am I ignorant to run to Her?
7. Mary…although she’s also on my drawing closer list…go figure.

Things that are drawing me closer:

1. The Eucharist….how I long for the Eucharist!
2. Confession. I see the need in my own life. While I have confessed my sins privately all my life, they are still in my head haunting me.
3. Church History is very compelling. I don’t see any way around it.
4. Adoration
5. Richer prayer life because of the Rosary and many, many other prayers to learn.
6. Saints whose lives I can study for the rest of my life, and ask to pray for me.
7. Mary…I have included her in intercession requests now. And have even begun to pray the Rosary some.

Someone from the “catholic spitfire grill” quoted G.K. Chesterton as saying that the final stage of a convert’s journey is terrifying. I can SO relate to that. It’s like there is no going back once I say “yes” on Easter. The first stage of the journey was incredible. It was like a honeymoon. This stage is almost like a death, at least it seems that way when evaluating my former life as a Protestant which is no more. I sometimes feel like I’ve come out of a cult, even though I know it’s not quite the same. But I have been raised my entire life to believe the Bible is my Sole Authority, and not only that, I was even taught to suspect other denonimations as not truly being Christians either. Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, etc. these were all dead churches. They were too close to Catholicism in their formal church services. Churches should be free to the Spirit. Formal liturgy was dead. (I don’t think this anymore, by the way.) And even when attending a non-denominational church, one had to be careful that it wasn’t “watered down” or too “seeker friendly”. So even then you had to be careful that your doctrine was “right on”. Well, I learned that lesson really well. Because when my doctrine didn’t seem right on anymore, and I started realizing the contradictions in not only my church but also all the contradictions between the various denominations, I was compelled to dig deeper, find out the Truth. Which church was right? This ultimately led me to the Catholic Church. The last place I ever dreamed I would end up.

Unfortunately, I’ve also been taught many anti-Catholic lies over the years. Things like the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and that the Catholic Church is really the Whore of Babylon. When I hear of statues of Mary that cry tears of blood, my first thought is “Oh NO….see it’s true. I have been deceived. I am slipping into the great apostasy they used to talk about that would happen in the last days! This really is Satan’s Church! RUN!” But where would I run? Besides, once my freakout is over, there are always good answers to things I don’t understand in the Catholic Church. I had it explained to me that those statues and miracles speak to people when the Written Word cannot. Something hard for us literate Westerners to understand. Miracles minister to some people. Obviously, bleeding statues don’t minister to me. (Atleast not yet!) And that’s okay. The Church is so BIG….so much bigger than my previously narrow minded view. I am amazed still that He wooed me to His Church. I am so grateful that He wasn’t done with me. But like I said, this phase feels a bit like my old self is dying. Memories of former church fellowships, friendships that won’t be the same, family life that feels strained when speaking of things religious because they all think (except for my sister) that I’ve veered into a false church. They don’t get it. I wouldn’t get it if the shoes were reversed. It’s scary. And exciting. All in the same breath.

Today a new “RCC inquirer” reminded me of that feeling I had earlier in my journey….the feeling of “Why me, Lord?” Why do I see the Truth of the Catholic Church, but not those nearest and dearest to me. Why me? What am I missing? Do my friends, pastor, family and others more spiritually and theologically adept than me know something really important that I don’t about the Catholic Church, and if I did, would I then realize my error and run back to Protestant Land? But which church would I run back to? Which one included all the essentials of the Christian Faith as I now understood them to be? None of them. I searched all the other side out, looking for an argument to save me from my mistake. But none of them made since. Only the Catholic Church made sense. They had the more convincing argument, actually. They had the explanations for all of my questions that I used to push to the back of my mind for another day. And those wonderful ladies on the LLL forum were a convincing testimony to me as well. They were well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments. Seemed like how a Christian should act. Not that Protestants aren’t well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments, just that Catholics weren’t supposed to be. They were supposed to be non-thinking easily deceived ritualistic pagans that were being duped by the Pope into thinking they were worshiping Jesus. AND they weren’t supposed to have an argument.

And I remember being confounded that those around me couldn’t see what I could see. It really bothered me. Actually it scared me. I remember asking the gals from the Spitfire Grill, “Why Can’t They See It”. And their answer was it was His Grace given to me to see. There was nothing more special about me than anyone else….I wasn’t smarter or more reflective or more anything except that I had asked God to show me more about Him, I wanted to know “Who He Is?” I asked….and He answered. God doesn’t push Himself on anyone. If you want more, He will give you more. But you have to ask. I will confess I did NOT expect the answer He gave me.

2 years back, when my journey began I remember feeling so desperate when I was worried for my loved one’s salvation (which now looking back I shouldn’t have, she was just fine) but at that time I was so worried, and that was when the first chipping of my Protestant foundation began, when I first realized that maybe I might not have my doctrine right after all. Maybe it was my understanding of the Bible and who God is that was wrong, not my loved ones. So I asked God, I remember crying out to him from my living room couch, tears streaming down my face, “What does it mean to serve you, the Living God of the Universe?” “Because I want to serve YOU, not who I think you are, not someone I’ve made you up to be, but You God.” “Please Show Me The Truth”. I felt so low. But lower times were to come. Because that was before my comfortable church home split up. That was before we began church shopping and seeing all the differences out there. That was when the real hard questions began….like why am I a Christian? And what is a Christian? And what if this is all make believe? I was close to becoming agnostic. Not an atheist, because I never stopped believing that there was Someone Who Made It All. But I didn’t have a solid foundation for my Faith. It was all built on the Bible alone. But I was starting to doubt the Bible because everyone and their Grandma was quoting from it to make it say what they wanted it to say, including myself. And I needed to know that it spoke clearly. It’s almost hard for me to believe now that I didn’t think these questions before!!!

And how does conversion take place? Even that is a weird thing if you think about it. I guess that is what Jesus is talking about when He says you must be born AGAIN. The first conversion is just as hard to understand but we accept it in childlike faith. I remember watching an episode of “The Journey Home” and Fr. Benedict Groeschel was on (I think that is who, but don’t quote me on that) and he mentioned something about your entire life being a series of conversions. To be open to them. And that the conversion to the Catholic Church is an intellectual one for Protestants. That makes sense to me, but still…..very strange this journey from one land to the other. I don’t look at my past Christian walk in various denominations as a waste of time, but truly God was using all of the stops along the way to bring me home to the Catholic Church. Why did it take so long? I don’t know, but I am thankful that it didn’t take longer!

I have been contemplating starting a blog for sometime, but didn’t see the importance of it until recently when I realized I was forgetting the “sweet details” of my conversion. So I will try to record here what has happened to me since my journey began. It all came to a “head” 2 months ago on St. Valentine’s Day. But it really began 2 years ago….

2 years ago I was concerned about a loved one who was caught up in the prosperity gospel preached in some of our Protestant churches and on television. I spent many hours searching the Internet on various Apologetic websites, seeking whether this practice of hers put her at risk of losing her salvation. Some of the websites actually went as far as to say that she was worshiping a “false Jesus”. That it was a false gospel. This scared me!!! I was very burdened in my heart for her. It also got me thinking, well, what is “saved”? Am I saved? How do I know that she is wrong in her doctrine, and it’s not me? She thinks she is worshiping Jesus with all of her heart. I think I am worshiping Jesus with all of my heart. How do we know we are? Does our doctrine determine this? It really shook my faith at the time.

My dh put me into contact with a friend who was studying to be a Pastor. And I phoned him and talked with him about this loved one, and asked him what it meant to be a Christian….how important was our doctrine? He said as long as she agreed to the essentials of the faith, that her error only affected her Christian walk. Well, I still didn’t get it…but I accepted it. His answer gave me a measure of “peace” for this loved one. But the “essentials” weighed heavy on my heart. Who decides what’s essential?

I remember reaching a low point one night where I cried out to God, “How do I know I’m worshiping YOU? I want to know what it means to worship the One True Living God of the Universe, Jesus Christ. What does it mean to serve YOU? ” How did I know I was worshiping God and it was not just some emotional experience or someone I’ve made up?”

Fast-forward to a year ago (one year after I cried out to God with my prayer) and my little Christian bubble popped. My home church, a Calvary Chapel, in which all of my friends and home-school group was centered, split….because of something the pastor had done and in which we felt wasn’t handled in a Biblical manner. This shattered me at the time. I spent many days depressed and nights crying. I did not know where to begin again. I had my children at this church, started attending there when I was pregnant with my first born almost ten years earlier. My very best friend attended here too (and has since ended up at a different church than me which at the time we both desperately tried to avoid). And also, I had looked up to my pastor and his wife…and while what they had been alleged to do wasn’t “grievous” it really affected me. I thought our church had “the truth”. How could they be preaching something and doing something completely different. If they could, knowing the truth, do such a thing….are they saved? Am I saved? Again, what does it all mean?

I also for the first time started thinking about authority issues within the church. What happens when leadership screws up, does the flock just get scattered? That’s what had happened to us. We would have stayed except the error had affected the children’s program in our church. Being homeschoolers we needed a strong children’s program for our kiddos. Atleast that was our thinking at the time. But as we began to look at other churches to consider visiting, for the first time I wanted a “denomination” not just one that did it their own way. So I wanted to know what the different denominations believed. I wanted to make sure our hearts wouldn’t get hurt again. I wanted to feel “safe”. Looking back, I realize this was a crucial first step into me appreciating the authority of the Catholic Church.

Well, while investigating different denominations, we stopped going to church and had church in our home for a few weeks…. then we started looking for a church, and that was fun…..not. And I began to wonder, what is the CHURCH? Is itjust a place to meet other Christians and fellowship? A place to bring unsaved souls? A place to serve?

So we visited different churches, to see which was a good fit for our family. I was beginning to broaden my horizons, and consider other churches besides a Calvary Chapel (I know this sounds so prejudiced looking back), but I wanted to make sure we chose a church that preached “The Word” and wasn’t watered down. I know now that this was all part of God’s plan and timing.

After visiting all of these churches, I got to experience different worship styles, different pastors, but one of the differences that stood out to me was in the offering of communion, “The Lord’s Supper” which I now know as “The Eucharist”. At the church we decided to plant ourselves, a Grace Brethren denomination, communion was only offered quarterly. Our former Calvary Chapel offered communion monthly, and some of the churches we visited when we were “church shopping” offered it weekly. I got to thinking about this….pondering it deeply in my heart….communion was something that I really enjoyed at church, looked forward to and doing it monthly really didn’t seem enough to me at the time. I always looked forward to confessing my sins to Jesus from my heart, meditating on what He did for me on the cross, feeling clean and forgiven for a moment, and it seemed to bring me closer to Him, albeit for just a moment. Anyway, I got to thinking why do we get to decide when we do communion? What did the Lord want? Surely He had a plan and didn’t leave it all up to us.

It was around this time that I started getting down thinking about it all. All the different beliefs among the Protestants. I wasn’t even considering Catholicism at this point. I remember particularly one day listening to KWVE (Calvary Chapel’s radio) while driving in my car, the program “To Every Man An Answer” and a caller phoned in to discuss how he doubted that he was a Christian, even though he had given his heart to Jesus some 20 years earlier. The answer he was given was that he needed to accept he was saved by “faith”. Pray more, go to church more, stay connected to other believers, have them pray for you. And the list went on and on. The problem was with his “faith”. He just needed to push through and accept he was saved even though he struggled. They gave him scripture to stand on. I had heard all of those defenses before. I started crying as I listened to this caller. I so related with his dilemma, as I had been asking myself that very question. What does it mean to be a Christian? Am I really one myself?

What does it mean to be a Christian? Is it a set of rules we follow? If I home-school my kids and dress them modestly and tithe to my church and avoid alcohol and listen to Christian music only and Christian sermons only and witness to my unsaved neighbors…and love Jesus with all of my heart , does that make one a Christian? Well, I thought there had to be more to it than that. But I couldn’t put my finger on what was missing.

I was praying earnestly throughout this time, reading my Bible daily, attending church faithfully…..feeling guilt for not witnessing more to my neighbors….but not sure how to share something that I didn’t understand or if I even knew it to be true anymore. In short I was beginning to have sort of a “crisis of faith” for the first time in my life. I had been a Christian since a young girl, and while I went through a rebellious period in my teenage/young adult years, I never stopped loving Jesus, or doubted that He was there.

But I was starting to feel lost, and to wonder about God and His plan for me. And Jesus and how did I know I was actually following Him. I also began thinking about the Pharisees and wondering if I had become one in my efforts to keep myself pure in my doctrine, the Calvary Chapel way. And I didn’t want to be a Pharisee. So I went on a search….a search for TRUTH….and HOPE….and KNOWING without a shadow of a doubt that I was truly a Christian and was actually serving the Living God of the Universe, not who I made Him up to be.

My search led me to lurk on a home-school forum that year, a forum in which there were lively Theological debates. One day, I posted a question on this particular forum for a book recommendation to help me figure it out….the answer to my question….”What does it mean to be a Christian?” Well, some very kind Catholic gals recommended two books for me. The first book recommended was “Thirsting for God in a Land of Shallow Wells”, by Matthew Gallatin. This one I trusted the source because it was authored by a former Calvary Chapel pastor. At the time I felt “safe” with Calvary Chapel because they had the clearest interpretation of Scripture, according to little ol’ me. So anyway, I wanted to read what he had to say because he would be coming from my perspective.

The second book recommended was “On Being Catholic” by Thomas Howard. This one scared me a little at the time because I had been taught that Catholics weren’t really Christians. That in fact they were following after a false gospel, one that kept them bound in rituals and legalism. And if I knew any Catholics that seemed like Christians, well it was in spite of being Catholic, not because they were Catholic. My sister had converted to Catholicism 15 years prior when she wanted to marry a Catholic. I had been sending her anti-Catholic literature from time to time over those past 15 years trying to “save” her…..much to my shame now. But for some reason that I cannot explain, I started having a hunger to learn more about what Catholics actually taught. I had read alot about what I thought they taught from anti-Catholic sources, but never studied it out for myself.

I ordered my books from Amazon but then I also remembered that once upon a time, I had been invited to join a yahoo group in which you could ask questions about the Catholic faith. So I joined it. I read some of those ladies conversion stories right away. I still didn’t have my books to read, just those wonderful ladies’ blogs and I will be forever grateful that they poured out their hearts and stories on those blogs, because I could relate to them in many ways.

I should note that the first Catholic teaching that spoke to my heart was on the Eucharist. Remember, I was puzzled by the variants in practice of the Eucharist in the Protestant churches. When I learned that Catholics actually taught that Jesus was present in the bread and the wine….a REAL PRESENCE I immediately understood. Again, I believe the Holy Spirit just opened my eyes. But it made so much more sense than eating bread and drinking wine to just remember Him. Yes, I can remember Him when partaking, but something sacramental was happening to the believer as well. And I wanted that!

On St. Valentine’s Day was the day that I joined that group. That day was a special day in so many ways. The Lord opened my eyes that day completely! I had many obstacles to overcome still (and even still today) but on that day, I remember thinking “Can this be?” I felt giddy with delight! I felt like I had secret lover, Jesus was wooing me to Him, to his Church. Words couldn’t express it. That was in the morning time. Later that day I went to Wal-Mart to get Valentine’s Cards for my kiddo’s park day and when I turned on the radio a song was playing that jumped right into my soul, “Mountain of God” by Third Day:

“Even though the Journey’s long and I know the road is hard, you’re the One whose gone before me, you will help me carry on. And after all that I’ve been through. Now I realize the TRUTH. That I must go through the valley to stand upon the Mountain of God.”

I fought back tears of joy in the car, I didn’t want my kids to think I was sad or something. But I was so HAPPY! I didn’t know what this meant, but I knew that He was taking me on a Journey.

I came home and opened my One Year Bible and the reading for that day in the Old Testament was all about the temple. And I just remember reading the part about the incense and the anointing oil and just realizing all at once that incense was Good and the Oil was Good! And the beauty of the temple was Good and God had commanded it all. And how the RCC wasn’t ritualistic to its detriment but actually made more sense! I saw the connection with the temple and the Mass. I remembered that Jesus really did come to fulfill the Law not abolish it. It all just “clicked” in a glorious way all in that one moment.

And then I went to read the New Testament reading for the day, and it was from Matthew 28:1-20 in which Jesus had risen and the tomb was empty. And the women had found the empty tomb, and when the angel told them Jesus had risen from Matthew 28:8:

“….the women had hurried away from the tomb, AFRAID YET FILLED WITH JOY….”

those words just jumped out at me because that’s exactly how I felt at the time! Afraid but filled with joy!!!!! That’s the only way I know how to describe it.

And then I read the first verse of the Psalm reading for that day and it was from Psalm 34:11:

“Come, my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the Lord”

and those words jumped to my heart as well…. and then my Proverb for the day was Proverbs 9:9-10:

“Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, and knowledge of the Holy One is understanding.”

And I just knew that the Lord was leading me, that it wasn’t my own thoughts at that moment, but that he was going to teach me more……Mostly I knew right then at that moment that he was answering my question from 2 years before on that lonely night when I cried out to Him with all my heart, “What does it mean to serve You, the Living God of the Universe”.

These past 2 months have been very exciting….filled with days of JOY and days of DESPAIR. Sometimes at night I would cry and remember my little church before it split, and I would wish that I could just go back to those days of peace. But I knew I couldn’tt go back. And I didn’t really want to go back. But I was scared. I still get scared.

I have only shared with a few people what has happened to me, besides my dh. He is supportive, but would be quite content if this all turned out to be just a passing fancy! Although most recently he has agreed to attend Mass with me. His heart was not planted yet at our new church. So I’m excited about this! My very best friend also knows, but I think she doesn’t really understand. And I can see how hard it would be for her, because if the shoes were reversed I would probably have a hard time understanding as well.

I can’t explain it to anyone, except that God did something inward….he rewired me in some way! He “unblinded” my eyes….as my dd says. And while this Journey may be hard at times, I will be forever grateful that He answered my question from 2 years ago. I believe He is showing me what it means to serve the Living God of the Universe and follow HIM!!! Praise Be To God!