So I’ve been Catholic less than a year. But, if you count back to when I was first drawn to the Church, then almost two years. But up to this point, I have still put the Mother of Our Lord on a shelf to think about another day. To be sure, I have accepted the dogmas of the Church regarding Mary. They don’t seem hard to believe. For example, the Assumption of Mary, although not specifically in Scripture and thus an extra biblical Tradition, it certainly doesn’t contradict Scripture. If God would choose to take Elijah up to heaven in a chariot, well, why not the Mother of Jesus? So that’s okay for me. The Immaculate Conception. I can accept this as well. After all, if Mary represents the New Ark of the Covenant and she held the “Word” and “Bread of Life” inside her womb, then why not be conceived without sin. I mean, if the old Ark of the Covenant was so holy that if anyone even accidentally touched it they died, then this only makes sense. Again, extra biblical but does not contradict Scripture. Mary needed a Savior the same as us, yet God in his Infinite Wisdom created her without sin by applying Christ’s sacrifice to her BEFORE conception. I can wrap my mind around that one too. I don’t think I could explain it to someone without reading it from a book to guide my words, but I assent to this teaching as well.

So what’s the problem.

I don’t feel anything for Mary yet. I’m afraid that if I let my heart feel anything, this means that I am not focusing on Jesus. So I am guarding my heart. My vision of the Church has gotten bigger than it used to be. While, it is still Jesus and me, I am thinking more and more about God the Father, the Holy Spirit, Mary his Mother, and Joseph his earthly father. I’m thinking more of the Saints who are in heaven and have walked this walk before me. And I think of them each in a different way than I did before my conversion. I am reminded they are outside of time, at the Throne of God worshiping the Lamb of God. They are worshiping with us at Mass as we experience Heaven on Earth during the Mass. They are praying for me. I have even asked my Patron Saint to pray for me, St. Elizabeth Ann Seton, at times this past year.

And I have asked Mary to pray for me at various times. I’ve asked her to pray for me to be a better Mother, a Mother like her, especially when I’m blowing it with my kids.

But it seems this is all intellectual with me still. I don’t “feel” anything. To be sure I greatly admire her. But I don’t have the kind of relationship with Mary that I notice some of my fellow Catholics have.

To be honest, it sort of scares me.

But lately, it seems everywhere I turn there she is. The songs on the radio are songs about her. “Breath of Heaven” by Point of Grace. Wow. Or how about “What Child Is This?” (The babe, the son of MARY–those words jump out at me as I hear the song playing everywhere!) We went to a Living Nativity and there was Mary riding the donkey laboring as the Innkeeper turned them away. There she was holding the “babe” in the dark manger. How did she feel, holding the son of God? I have been trying to dwell on this Incarnation more. Such a mystery.

And I’ve been asking Jesus to show me what sort of relationship He wants me to have with His Mother, if any. I realize that He loves His Mother. Of course He does. And I believe that He gave Mary to the Church at the foot of the cross when He gave her to his disciple and said “Behold Your Mother”. But it’s all in my head, not my heart. I want to do His will. I don’t want to be hurting Him if I am not honoring His mother the way He wishes.

So then I went to Confession (Sacrament of Reconcilation) yesterday at a nearby parish, not my home parish. And after confessing what was bothering me, the priest gave me spiritual counsel that took me by surprise. He said he wants me to come back after Christmas and talk with him or another priest about consecrating my life to Jesus through Mary. Whoa! He said not to focus on it during Christmas because of the busy-ness of the holiday and because it’s such an important thing. But this is really hard for this former anti-Catholic “Whore of Babylon” believer to dive into. I am very trepiditious about giving anything of myself to anyone but God. This I don’t understand yet. But I do trust the Church, as I know that it was God who led me to the Catholic Church. And the priest said other things that confirmed to me the Holy Spirit was speaking through him to me. I needed to hear his counsel for sure. Just surprised about Mary. Is this Jesus answering my prayer?

So I’m praying at this point.

As I’m contemplating all this, “Breath of Heaven” just played again on the radio.

Lord, reveal Your will to me.

Amen.

I originally drafted this on August 25th, 2008. I forgot to post it, so I’m posting it now so it’s included in my journal which is what this blog really is. Something for me to look back on one day. Here’s the post:

Tomorrow is the first day of school for us. We are homeschoolers and I am anticipating all that we have planned the next few weeks. I also will be embarking on a new journey as a Catechist in our parishes RCIA. I do not feel prepared for this AT ALL. I still don’t “feel” Catholic if there is such a thing. I worry about how I can possibly catechize someone into the Faith when Easter was just a few months ago. THe good news is that I’m not alone, that I am only responsible for teaching a class every 5 weeks. I enjoy being in the RCIA program and so that part will be good, asking questions, learning still, etc. I just don’t like the leading part. But our priest asked me to do it, as well as our RCIA director. And I feel God nudging me that way. He hasn’t said no anyway.

The part I’m writing now is today, Sept 20th. By the way, I still haven’t sat in as the catechist yet. That will be on Oct. 11th. I’m nervous, especially after what happened at Mass a few Sundays ago. See next post on Modernism in the Church. But homeschooling is going well. Best year ever. Love our new support group. Have some wonderful new friends, and treasured friends from before my conversion, especially my best friend who I was the most worried about losing as a friend. But praise be to Our Lord, Jesus Christ! He is so good. She is still my best friend, and He has restored me. I feel He has blessed me beyond measure! For anyone out there who is wondering how things will work out, if you are the beginning of this journey into Catholicism, don’t give up! I was wondering how it would work out a year ago, would my kids meet other Catholic homeschoolers like them, I didn’t even know where we would find such a thing! My whole world was changing. I was overwhelmed about everything, including small things like which curriculum to use since I had so much to learn about Catholic history and faith issues myself. I was even wondering if perhaps God was leading me to stop homeschooling since it seemed like everything was pointing in that direction. I needed to find a Catholic homeschool group. I felt very isolated and like I didn’t fit in anywhere, not in my new parish where I was the outsider, nor in my former homeschool group because my choice to become Catholic might cause waves. I was scared of the future and lonely for friends who would understand my strange predicament. So anyway, I don’t remember if I posted the story here of how I met new Catholic homeschoolers, but in case I didn’t, here it is.

Last September was the beginning of the school year. Our former homeschool group which was a ministry of our former church a Calvary Chapel had died out. There were wonderful families and friends in that group, so many memories. I remembered our very first get together when my eldest son was just in kindergarten. We had a campout at the park and held hands in a big circle around the fire as we prayed and offered our children and ourselves to the Lord. It was a holy moment. I remember looking at those families through the campfire and thanking God for them, and imagining my children growing up with these children, homeschoolers who loved Jesus. But like I said, after our church split, the home school group died out. We all tried to get together for a “back to school park day’ one Friday last September 2007, two 1/2 years after our church had split now. But hardly anyone showed up. It was obvious to me that day and the others that did come that the group was over. I left that day teary eyed because I felt so alone as a homeschooler, but even more alone now as a Catholic homeschooler. In our parish I did not know any other families like ours, as far as I knew there weren’t any homeschoolers there. I wanted friends for my kiddos. I needed support. I needed a friend like me.

Anyway, I left the park that day with tears in my eyes, and I cried out to the Lord, “What is your plan for us, Lord? For me? For our children? Should we continue to homeschool or not? Lord, I feel so alone!” But as I got into my car and turned on the radio, this song was playing by the Kry. And I felt that familiar sweet Presence of the Holy Spirit in beautiful confirmation that I was not abandoned, that He cared for me, and He knew all of my thoughts and desires and worries. I felt assured that He did indeed have a plan. I had goosebumps all over me in the car and a feeling of peace. It was one of those moments I will remember forever, similar to the first day of my Catholic journey when He used music to lead me. Simply amazing how He reaches down at just the right moment.

Here are the lyrics.

“Take My Hand” from the Kry

I know there are times your dreams turn to dust.
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much?
Give me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a childlike heart
Simply put your hope in Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
just because you scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk.

Don’t live in the past
Yesterday is gone
Wishing memories would last
You’re afraid to carry on
You don’t know what’s coming
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you’ve hoped for and the evidence of things unseen
so take my hand and walk

Just like a child holding daddy’s hand
Don’t let go of mine
You know you can’t stand on your own

Take my hand and walk
Where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where i lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you hope for
And the evidence of the unseen
Take my hand and walk

Two weeks after this, my son began his catechism class to become Catholic, RCIC it’s called. When I met his teacher we were discussing each other’s backgrounds and she was a convert too! She came from an Episcopal background and that wasn’t similar to me, but it was nice to meet another RCIA person. She then asked me my story. I shared with her that I homeschooled and had been frequenting homeschool message board where I began hearing about Catholic things, mostly the REal Presence, and when I told her I homeschooled, her eyes lit up! She said, “You homeschool! My best friend homeschools, oh I wish I homeschooled too!” And I said, “Is your best friend Catholic?” And she said, “Yes! We meet at a park around here with other homeschoolers for a weekly park day!” I about fell over. I couldn’t believe it! The Lord had sent me to this parish, this liberal parish and if he had not, I would have never met this teacher who introduced me to my new Catholic homeschool group and some wonderful new friends who have been mentoring me in the Catholic faith. People like me. Simply amazing.

So anyway, like I said, God has restored me. And again, if you are just embarking on this journey into the Cathoilc Church, don’t give up. Our Lord is so good, so merciful, so amazing.

Thanks Be to God!

It’s been sometime since I have posted to my blog. Easter has come and gone. I have thought a million thoughts about that Easter Vigil and keep telling myself I need to write it down here. But somehow words just can’t begin to express the wondrous events of that evening. So I keep putting it off. One thing does stand out though. A surprising thing. For so long I had been anticipating my first Holy Communion and receiving Jesus in Holy Communion was so wonderful. But the highlight of that night, THE MOMENT, was when Father laid his hands on me and confirmed me in the Catholic Faith. That was the moment that I didn’t expect to feel anything. But that was the moment that I felt the goosebumps all over with tears streaming down my face. I was Catholic at that moment. I felt a warmth pass through my body when Father laid hands on me. Yes, there is Grace in all of the Sacraments. So hard for me to understand, this grace which takes place in a physical act. Baptism by water. Confirmation by laying on of hands. Confession to the priest. Marriage. But in all of these, while it is a physical act, there is also faith working with the action. Intentions. Baptism is not complete without the proper intentions. The proper words must be used, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”. The faith of the parents, in the event of an infant baptism, or the faith of the older child of reason or adult is behind this intention as well.

Anyway, it seems so simplistic in some ways. I think I was rather gnostic in my beliefs before as a Protestant thinking that the physical things were bad, and of “the flesh” and something I must fight against. Only the spiritual was good. But God made me with a body. This is how I am different than the Angel. I am Spirit and a Body. This has been liberating for me as I put icons up around my house and feel free to gaze upon the crucifix or actually touch it. These are all aids to my worship of God. I am not worshiping the picture or the crucifix anymore than I worshiped my Bible when I held it in my hands as I prayed as an Evangelical. They are reminders to me of an actual event that took place for me a sinner. Christ on the Cross. Or Jesus at the Last Supper. It helps me remember. Just as the movie “The Passion” was such an aid to many Evangelicals, me included. Are movies an Idol? Well, I guess some might argue they can be. But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say idol. I’m talking about the use of the medium of cinema to portray the Gospel or the Passion of Christ is similar to the use of the crucifix or Rosary or icons by a Catholic Christian. We are using them for a similar purpose, that is to aid us in our meditation on what Christ did for us, to aid us in growing in prayer and holiness. The Catholic uses the Rosary beads to meditate on Christ’s life and his death and resurrection. I gaze at my crucifix and am reminded of what my sins cost Our Lord. I gaze at my icon of the Last Supper to remind me that He instituted the Holy Eucharist at the Last Supper. His Body broken for me. His Blood shed for me.

So it’s been nearly 4 months since the Easter Vigil. Since then my 2 year old was baptized. Praise Be to God! And also, my 9 year old son had his first Holy Communion. Funny thing…as I was preparing my son for this big day, we attended a workshop at the parish with his RCIA class. We were discussing the Real Presence, my son and I. And I said to him, “I know it’s hard to fathom how Jesus can be really present in the Host.” And my son said, “Not for me, Mom. I figure He’s God. He can do Anything.” Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said we must be like little children in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Do I feel any different now that I am Catholic? I don’t feel that different except that I feel “completed”. Like there are no dangling questions in the back of my mind about what is the Church. What are the essentials of the Christian Faith. I feel HOME. It’s such a wonderful feeling. I sometimes wonder if this is what Jewish person feels like when they realize that Jesus is their Messiah they’ve been waiting for. That’s how I felt when I realized that the Catholic Church was His Church. Completed. I don’t regret my Evangelical roots AT ALL. I learned so much about the Bible during those years. My faith was real and relevant. I just feel completed now.

Do I feel any different since taking the Eucharist? Yes, I can say I do feel different. I feel closer to Jesus. I also feel an insatiable desire to return again and again to Mass. For anyone that would say going to Mass too frequently or receiving Holy Communion too often is boring and repetitive, the opposite has been the case for me. I can’t go enough! I would go every day if possible. But with my 3 kiddos, it just hasn’t worked out yet. Hopefully one day it will. I have been able to go at least once during the week in addition to Sunday Mass. And it still feels like an eternity between each Mass.

Did I say how much I LOVE the Mass? How I love being with Our Lord at the Mass. I love walking into the chapel and knowing that He is Truly There. Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. That He humbled Himself into bread and wine for me a sinner. I eagerly anticipate Holy Communion each and every time. And while it can be a bit distracting with my 2 year old at my hip, it is comforting to know that the fruits of my being at the Mass is not dependent on my feelings about the Mass that day. I may not have felt a thing because of the distraction of my 2 year old, but partaking of Holy Communion combined with my Faith is enough for that moment. My Faith is not dependent on my feelings. Something is happening to me as I partake in Holy Communion and participate in the physical act of worship during the Mass that happens whether I’m feeling it or not. As an Evangelical, if I “heard” a good sermon, then I had been fed and it was the desire of my day. Hearing from God in the sermon. If the worship music moved me, then I had been touched by God. That was how I worshiped God….and in fact I didn’t feel that I had a true experience with God unless I felt Him during that service, heard a relevant word from the sermon, or moved to tears during worship. I’m not saying those things aren’t valid. I believe they are. They are still all good. I still look to hear the Word during the Readings at the Mass and apply it to my life. I am still moved to tears during the Songs at Mass. It’s just that after all of that at my Evangelical service, I still hungered for more! I didn’t know what it was I hungered for, I just knew I wanted More. I didn’t feel completely satisfied. I felt like something was missing. And that’s what is different now. I have found that more in the Eucharist.

Another thing that I thought about today as I sat in Mass was about how the Mass is a constant in this ever changing world. Yes, there have been changes over time, like in Vatican II when the altar rails were removed, and the priest began to face the congregation. I’m sure that was very hard for those parishioners during that time and still is for many. But what I mean is that the fundamentals of the Faith have not changed. There is still the Eucharistic Prayer, the Lord’s Prayer, the Gloria, the Hosanna , the Sign of the Peace, Holy Communion, and everything else about the Mass which is a constant. I love that I can walk into any parish in the world and hear the same readings as my fellow Christians, albeit in a different language most likely. The Holy Spirit guiding the Church. Rhythm. There is such a beautiful rhythm to the Mass. I am starting to understand this more and more.

Just some of my ponderings. I sort of stopped blogging for awhile. I think I will start up again. I have started reading Pope Benedict’s book, Jesus of Nazereth. I also intend to do a study on the book of Romans using an audio by Scott Hahn. I hope to post my thoughts on those here.

Today a new “RCC inquirer” reminded me of that feeling I had earlier in my journey….the feeling of “Why me, Lord?” Why do I see the Truth of the Catholic Church, but not those nearest and dearest to me. Why me? What am I missing? Do my friends, pastor, family and others more spiritually and theologically adept than me know something really important that I don’t about the Catholic Church, and if I did, would I then realize my error and run back to Protestant Land? But which church would I run back to? Which one included all the essentials of the Christian Faith as I now understood them to be? None of them. I searched all the other side out, looking for an argument to save me from my mistake. But none of them made since. Only the Catholic Church made sense. They had the more convincing argument, actually. They had the explanations for all of my questions that I used to push to the back of my mind for another day. And those wonderful ladies on the LLL forum were a convincing testimony to me as well. They were well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments. Seemed like how a Christian should act. Not that Protestants aren’t well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments, just that Catholics weren’t supposed to be. They were supposed to be non-thinking easily deceived ritualistic pagans that were being duped by the Pope into thinking they were worshiping Jesus. AND they weren’t supposed to have an argument.

And I remember being confounded that those around me couldn’t see what I could see. It really bothered me. Actually it scared me. I remember asking the gals from the Spitfire Grill, “Why Can’t They See It”. And their answer was it was His Grace given to me to see. There was nothing more special about me than anyone else….I wasn’t smarter or more reflective or more anything except that I had asked God to show me more about Him, I wanted to know “Who He Is?” I asked….and He answered. God doesn’t push Himself on anyone. If you want more, He will give you more. But you have to ask. I will confess I did NOT expect the answer He gave me.

2 years back, when my journey began I remember feeling so desperate when I was worried for my loved one’s salvation (which now looking back I shouldn’t have, she was just fine) but at that time I was so worried, and that was when the first chipping of my Protestant foundation began, when I first realized that maybe I might not have my doctrine right after all. Maybe it was my understanding of the Bible and who God is that was wrong, not my loved ones. So I asked God, I remember crying out to him from my living room couch, tears streaming down my face, “What does it mean to serve you, the Living God of the Universe?” “Because I want to serve YOU, not who I think you are, not someone I’ve made you up to be, but You God.” “Please Show Me The Truth”. I felt so low. But lower times were to come. Because that was before my comfortable church home split up. That was before we began church shopping and seeing all the differences out there. That was when the real hard questions began….like why am I a Christian? And what is a Christian? And what if this is all make believe? I was close to becoming agnostic. Not an atheist, because I never stopped believing that there was Someone Who Made It All. But I didn’t have a solid foundation for my Faith. It was all built on the Bible alone. But I was starting to doubt the Bible because everyone and their Grandma was quoting from it to make it say what they wanted it to say, including myself. And I needed to know that it spoke clearly. It’s almost hard for me to believe now that I didn’t think these questions before!!!

And how does conversion take place? Even that is a weird thing if you think about it. I guess that is what Jesus is talking about when He says you must be born AGAIN. The first conversion is just as hard to understand but we accept it in childlike faith. I remember watching an episode of “The Journey Home” and Fr. Benedict Groeschel was on (I think that is who, but don’t quote me on that) and he mentioned something about your entire life being a series of conversions. To be open to them. And that the conversion to the Catholic Church is an intellectual one for Protestants. That makes sense to me, but still…..very strange this journey from one land to the other. I don’t look at my past Christian walk in various denominations as a waste of time, but truly God was using all of the stops along the way to bring me home to the Catholic Church. Why did it take so long? I don’t know, but I am thankful that it didn’t take longer!

Since Easter it seems I’ve hit sort of a pleasant plugging along stage…..no great doubts these past few days. Infact I am feeling quite joyful! I don’t tease myself for I’m sure there’ll be more days of doubting ahead. But it seems that I’ve entered a new stage. Now that I’ve decided both intellectually AND with my heart that the Roman Catholic Church is the Church that Jesus founded on Peter…..passed down to our present generation, the Church that He has been wooing me to these past few months well….now that I have decided to reconcile to Rome…to come home to the fullness of my faith….what does this mean in a practical way? In other words, now what?

Well, I think it means I need to get about the Lord’s work. I need to start practicing this faith out. I need to start being a Catholic Christian. I need to pray and discern his will for me….I’ve been so busy studying about the Catholic Church and early church history, and boy has it been exciting! But I’m beginning to feel a little guilty. All this reading about doing good works, how we should be offering up our sufferings and so on. All the time I’m thinking “Yes, AMEN!”" Preach it brother!” Well, I’m not doing anything but reading books. I’m still sitting here in my cozy house, in my cozy Christian bubble, homeschooling my kids in my cozy neighborhood, sleeping in my cozy bed. I’m ready to start practicing what I’m learning. I’m ready to start living out my faith. But I’m not sure how to get started. I mean, I know I’m the same Christian I was before my conversion and I can be doing those same things I did before to serve Jesus. I still read my Bible. I still pray. I still serve my children and dh and my neighbors (or try to). I’m attending Mass. It’s hard to explain. But I’m ready to dig deeper, do more….yet I still don’t feel equipped. I feel like such a babe in Christ.

I think my next steps will come as I begin my RCIA classes. I’m starting to see the wisdom of having to participate in this program for a year’s time. When I first “saw the light” so to speak of the RCC, I just wanted IN! Let me IN! I want to partake of the Eucharist NOW. I can’t wait any longer. I want to come HOME. What do you mean I have to take classes?!? I’ve been a believer my ENTIRE LIFE. You don’t understand! I’ve studied the Bible forever. I’m ready. Really I’m ready! Please, don’t make me wait! That can’t be right. A year? And one of the parishes actually told me it could take 2 years! 2 years?! That’s absurd!

But now I realize how much needs to be purged in myself. I have many cracks in this clay that need to be chipped away (pride, legalism, selfishness to name a few). I’m thinking….or hoping…..that once I begin my RCIA classes, as I study out the practical applications of being Catholic, the Lord will be able to show me little by little what needs to change. How to change. What my next steps will be. He has got much work to do in me…I have much work to do. I’m so excited!  But I can see why this process needs several months, even years to take root in a permanent way.   So that God can mold me, purge me, change me……

My first RCIA inquiry class is next Thursday and dh is coming too! Since Easter he has been expressing a change of heart. He actually had to verbalize our change with a stranger yesterday (at the kids Tae-Kwon-Do class). Another parent peeking in at the class asked dh why the kids were facing the wall as they waited for class to begin. He explained they do this to get focused on their work, their kicks or punches or whatever. They weren’t meditating on some false God. Atleast not our boy. The lady said she was a Christian, and dh explained he was too. She asked him where we went to church. And he said “Funny you should ask. We used to go to —–, but now we go to St. Joseph’s.” She said “OH! So you’re Catholic!” He said, “Y-e-a-h….I guess so. My wife has been doing some reading and, well, we have decided we want to be Catholic now”. She paused and then changed the subject to “Where do the kids go to school?” He answered, “We homeschool!” Another “OHHHH!” No wonder you’re here! Your kids need the socialization!”

Now you’d have to understand the history. DH was opposed to homeschooling 4 years ago when we first decided. And the Lord changed his heart as kindergarten approached. Since then, he’s become a huge supporter of hs. And initially he was hoping this fancy of mine for the RCC would turn out to be just that, a passing fancy. But just as my passion for homeschooling didn’t pass, this hasn’t either. So for him to be asked both life changing questions at the same time yesterday was funny to me and to him. And how ’bout that? He answered, “Yes, I guess so, we want to be Catholic!” God bless him for that. He has come a long way in these past few months. It can only be God. Because no way in a million years if you would have told either of us even just 6 months ago that we would be studying the Catholic faith together, changing churches again and to RCC at that…would we have believed it. It can only be God.