I originally drafted this on August 25th, 2008. I forgot to post it, so I’m posting it now so it’s included in my journal which is what this blog really is. Something for me to look back on one day. Here’s the post:

Tomorrow is the first day of school for us. We are homeschoolers and I am anticipating all that we have planned the next few weeks. I also will be embarking on a new journey as a Catechist in our parishes RCIA. I do not feel prepared for this AT ALL. I still don’t “feel” Catholic if there is such a thing. I worry about how I can possibly catechize someone into the Faith when Easter was just a few months ago. THe good news is that I’m not alone, that I am only responsible for teaching a class every 5 weeks. I enjoy being in the RCIA program and so that part will be good, asking questions, learning still, etc. I just don’t like the leading part. But our priest asked me to do it, as well as our RCIA director. And I feel God nudging me that way. He hasn’t said no anyway.

The part I’m writing now is today, Sept 20th. By the way, I still haven’t sat in as the catechist yet. That will be on Oct. 11th. I’m nervous, especially after what happened at Mass a few Sundays ago. See next post on Modernism in the Church. But homeschooling is going well. Best year ever. Love our new support group. Have some wonderful new friends, and treasured friends from before my conversion, especially my best friend who I was the most worried about losing as a friend. But praise be to Our Lord, Jesus Christ! He is so good. She is still my best friend, and He has restored me. I feel He has blessed me beyond measure! For anyone out there who is wondering how things will work out, if you are the beginning of this journey into Catholicism, don’t give up! I was wondering how it would work out a year ago, would my kids meet other Catholic homeschoolers like them, I didn’t even know where we would find such a thing! My whole world was changing. I was overwhelmed about everything, including small things like which curriculum to use since I had so much to learn about Catholic history and faith issues myself. I was even wondering if perhaps God was leading me to stop homeschooling since it seemed like everything was pointing in that direction. I needed to find a Catholic homeschool group. I felt very isolated and like I didn’t fit in anywhere, not in my new parish where I was the outsider, nor in my former homeschool group because my choice to become Catholic might cause waves. I was scared of the future and lonely for friends who would understand my strange predicament. So anyway, I don’t remember if I posted the story here of how I met new Catholic homeschoolers, but in case I didn’t, here it is.

Last September was the beginning of the school year. Our former homeschool group which was a ministry of our former church a Calvary Chapel had died out. There were wonderful families and friends in that group, so many memories. I remembered our very first get together when my eldest son was just in kindergarten. We had a campout at the park and held hands in a big circle around the fire as we prayed and offered our children and ourselves to the Lord. It was a holy moment. I remember looking at those families through the campfire and thanking God for them, and imagining my children growing up with these children, homeschoolers who loved Jesus. But like I said, after our church split, the home school group died out. We all tried to get together for a “back to school park day’ one Friday last September 2007, two 1/2 years after our church had split now. But hardly anyone showed up. It was obvious to me that day and the others that did come that the group was over. I left that day teary eyed because I felt so alone as a homeschooler, but even more alone now as a Catholic homeschooler. In our parish I did not know any other families like ours, as far as I knew there weren’t any homeschoolers there. I wanted friends for my kiddos. I needed support. I needed a friend like me.

Anyway, I left the park that day with tears in my eyes, and I cried out to the Lord, “What is your plan for us, Lord? For me? For our children? Should we continue to homeschool or not? Lord, I feel so alone!” But as I got into my car and turned on the radio, this song was playing by the Kry. And I felt that familiar sweet Presence of the Holy Spirit in beautiful confirmation that I was not abandoned, that He cared for me, and He knew all of my thoughts and desires and worries. I felt assured that He did indeed have a plan. I had goosebumps all over me in the car and a feeling of peace. It was one of those moments I will remember forever, similar to the first day of my Catholic journey when He used music to lead me. Simply amazing how He reaches down at just the right moment.

Here are the lyrics.

“Take My Hand” from the Kry

I know there are times your dreams turn to dust.
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much?
Give me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a childlike heart
Simply put your hope in Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
just because you scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk.

Don’t live in the past
Yesterday is gone
Wishing memories would last
You’re afraid to carry on
You don’t know what’s coming
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you’ve hoped for and the evidence of things unseen
so take my hand and walk

Just like a child holding daddy’s hand
Don’t let go of mine
You know you can’t stand on your own

Take my hand and walk
Where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where i lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you hope for
And the evidence of the unseen
Take my hand and walk

Two weeks after this, my son began his catechism class to become Catholic, RCIC it’s called. When I met his teacher we were discussing each other’s backgrounds and she was a convert too! She came from an Episcopal background and that wasn’t similar to me, but it was nice to meet another RCIA person. She then asked me my story. I shared with her that I homeschooled and had been frequenting homeschool message board where I began hearing about Catholic things, mostly the REal Presence, and when I told her I homeschooled, her eyes lit up! She said, “You homeschool! My best friend homeschools, oh I wish I homeschooled too!” And I said, “Is your best friend Catholic?” And she said, “Yes! We meet at a park around here with other homeschoolers for a weekly park day!” I about fell over. I couldn’t believe it! The Lord had sent me to this parish, this liberal parish and if he had not, I would have never met this teacher who introduced me to my new Catholic homeschool group and some wonderful new friends who have been mentoring me in the Catholic faith. People like me. Simply amazing.

So anyway, like I said, God has restored me. And again, if you are just embarking on this journey into the Cathoilc Church, don’t give up. Our Lord is so good, so merciful, so amazing.

Thanks Be to God!

Today a new “RCC inquirer” reminded me of that feeling I had earlier in my journey….the feeling of “Why me, Lord?” Why do I see the Truth of the Catholic Church, but not those nearest and dearest to me. Why me? What am I missing? Do my friends, pastor, family and others more spiritually and theologically adept than me know something really important that I don’t about the Catholic Church, and if I did, would I then realize my error and run back to Protestant Land? But which church would I run back to? Which one included all the essentials of the Christian Faith as I now understood them to be? None of them. I searched all the other side out, looking for an argument to save me from my mistake. But none of them made since. Only the Catholic Church made sense. They had the more convincing argument, actually. They had the explanations for all of my questions that I used to push to the back of my mind for another day. And those wonderful ladies on the LLL forum were a convincing testimony to me as well. They were well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments. Seemed like how a Christian should act. Not that Protestants aren’t well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments, just that Catholics weren’t supposed to be. They were supposed to be non-thinking easily deceived ritualistic pagans that were being duped by the Pope into thinking they were worshiping Jesus. AND they weren’t supposed to have an argument.

And I remember being confounded that those around me couldn’t see what I could see. It really bothered me. Actually it scared me. I remember asking the gals from the Spitfire Grill, “Why Can’t They See It”. And their answer was it was His Grace given to me to see. There was nothing more special about me than anyone else….I wasn’t smarter or more reflective or more anything except that I had asked God to show me more about Him, I wanted to know “Who He Is?” I asked….and He answered. God doesn’t push Himself on anyone. If you want more, He will give you more. But you have to ask. I will confess I did NOT expect the answer He gave me.

2 years back, when my journey began I remember feeling so desperate when I was worried for my loved one’s salvation (which now looking back I shouldn’t have, she was just fine) but at that time I was so worried, and that was when the first chipping of my Protestant foundation began, when I first realized that maybe I might not have my doctrine right after all. Maybe it was my understanding of the Bible and who God is that was wrong, not my loved ones. So I asked God, I remember crying out to him from my living room couch, tears streaming down my face, “What does it mean to serve you, the Living God of the Universe?” “Because I want to serve YOU, not who I think you are, not someone I’ve made you up to be, but You God.” “Please Show Me The Truth”. I felt so low. But lower times were to come. Because that was before my comfortable church home split up. That was before we began church shopping and seeing all the differences out there. That was when the real hard questions began….like why am I a Christian? And what is a Christian? And what if this is all make believe? I was close to becoming agnostic. Not an atheist, because I never stopped believing that there was Someone Who Made It All. But I didn’t have a solid foundation for my Faith. It was all built on the Bible alone. But I was starting to doubt the Bible because everyone and their Grandma was quoting from it to make it say what they wanted it to say, including myself. And I needed to know that it spoke clearly. It’s almost hard for me to believe now that I didn’t think these questions before!!!

And how does conversion take place? Even that is a weird thing if you think about it. I guess that is what Jesus is talking about when He says you must be born AGAIN. The first conversion is just as hard to understand but we accept it in childlike faith. I remember watching an episode of “The Journey Home” and Fr. Benedict Groeschel was on (I think that is who, but don’t quote me on that) and he mentioned something about your entire life being a series of conversions. To be open to them. And that the conversion to the Catholic Church is an intellectual one for Protestants. That makes sense to me, but still…..very strange this journey from one land to the other. I don’t look at my past Christian walk in various denominations as a waste of time, but truly God was using all of the stops along the way to bring me home to the Catholic Church. Why did it take so long? I don’t know, but I am thankful that it didn’t take longer!

Since Easter it seems I’ve hit sort of a pleasant plugging along stage…..no great doubts these past few days. Infact I am feeling quite joyful! I don’t tease myself for I’m sure there’ll be more days of doubting ahead. But it seems that I’ve entered a new stage. Now that I’ve decided both intellectually AND with my heart that the Roman Catholic Church is the Church that Jesus founded on Peter…..passed down to our present generation, the Church that He has been wooing me to these past few months well….now that I have decided to reconcile to Rome…to come home to the fullness of my faith….what does this mean in a practical way? In other words, now what?

Well, I think it means I need to get about the Lord’s work. I need to start practicing this faith out. I need to start being a Catholic Christian. I need to pray and discern his will for me….I’ve been so busy studying about the Catholic Church and early church history, and boy has it been exciting! But I’m beginning to feel a little guilty. All this reading about doing good works, how we should be offering up our sufferings and so on. All the time I’m thinking “Yes, AMEN!”" Preach it brother!” Well, I’m not doing anything but reading books. I’m still sitting here in my cozy house, in my cozy Christian bubble, homeschooling my kids in my cozy neighborhood, sleeping in my cozy bed. I’m ready to start practicing what I’m learning. I’m ready to start living out my faith. But I’m not sure how to get started. I mean, I know I’m the same Christian I was before my conversion and I can be doing those same things I did before to serve Jesus. I still read my Bible. I still pray. I still serve my children and dh and my neighbors (or try to). I’m attending Mass. It’s hard to explain. But I’m ready to dig deeper, do more….yet I still don’t feel equipped. I feel like such a babe in Christ.

I think my next steps will come as I begin my RCIA classes. I’m starting to see the wisdom of having to participate in this program for a year’s time. When I first “saw the light” so to speak of the RCC, I just wanted IN! Let me IN! I want to partake of the Eucharist NOW. I can’t wait any longer. I want to come HOME. What do you mean I have to take classes?!? I’ve been a believer my ENTIRE LIFE. You don’t understand! I’ve studied the Bible forever. I’m ready. Really I’m ready! Please, don’t make me wait! That can’t be right. A year? And one of the parishes actually told me it could take 2 years! 2 years?! That’s absurd!

But now I realize how much needs to be purged in myself. I have many cracks in this clay that need to be chipped away (pride, legalism, selfishness to name a few). I’m thinking….or hoping…..that once I begin my RCIA classes, as I study out the practical applications of being Catholic, the Lord will be able to show me little by little what needs to change. How to change. What my next steps will be. He has got much work to do in me…I have much work to do. I’m so excited!  But I can see why this process needs several months, even years to take root in a permanent way.   So that God can mold me, purge me, change me……

My first RCIA inquiry class is next Thursday and dh is coming too! Since Easter he has been expressing a change of heart. He actually had to verbalize our change with a stranger yesterday (at the kids Tae-Kwon-Do class). Another parent peeking in at the class asked dh why the kids were facing the wall as they waited for class to begin. He explained they do this to get focused on their work, their kicks or punches or whatever. They weren’t meditating on some false God. Atleast not our boy. The lady said she was a Christian, and dh explained he was too. She asked him where we went to church. And he said “Funny you should ask. We used to go to —–, but now we go to St. Joseph’s.” She said “OH! So you’re Catholic!” He said, “Y-e-a-h….I guess so. My wife has been doing some reading and, well, we have decided we want to be Catholic now”. She paused and then changed the subject to “Where do the kids go to school?” He answered, “We homeschool!” Another “OHHHH!” No wonder you’re here! Your kids need the socialization!”

Now you’d have to understand the history. DH was opposed to homeschooling 4 years ago when we first decided. And the Lord changed his heart as kindergarten approached. Since then, he’s become a huge supporter of hs. And initially he was hoping this fancy of mine for the RCC would turn out to be just that, a passing fancy. But just as my passion for homeschooling didn’t pass, this hasn’t either. So for him to be asked both life changing questions at the same time yesterday was funny to me and to him. And how ’bout that? He answered, “Yes, I guess so, we want to be Catholic!” God bless him for that. He has come a long way in these past few months. It can only be God. Because no way in a million years if you would have told either of us even just 6 months ago that we would be studying the Catholic faith together, changing churches again and to RCC at that…would we have believed it. It can only be God.

We celebrated Easter today at St. Joseph’s Catholic Church. We all went, dh and the 3 kiddos. There was no crying room at this parish, nor childcare for my toddler. That made things a little distracting. But I loved the parish. Someone told me that I would “know” when it was the right one. And today, it felt right. I loved the homily, the children’s choir, the priest went around shaking “holy water” on us. I got a big splash…and LOVED it. It made me laugh, but not in a silly way, but a joyful way. I loved the stained glass windows, the intimate feel in the chapel. The priest sang the scripture and so did we. It was beautiful.

However, it was dh’s first time attending Mass with me. I’ve only been 3 times now, but I have read so much about it, it doesn’t seem as foreign to me anymore. I forgot that it would be completely different for him. I know he is doing this for me. I’m not sure if that’s a good reason or not. Anyway, I don’t think he loved it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am overstepping my boundaries, if I’m not being a “good, submissive wife”. Am I taking too much of a leadership role? He is such a wonderful husband, always seeking to keep peace in our family. When we first started homeschooling, it was because I constantly talked about it with him. He says I always get my way. And he says that with a laugh, but in a sense he is right. I like to think that God changes his heart. But is it God or is it me begging him to death until he finally gives in to keep me quiet.

Like right now…..all he hears me talking about is Catholic things. I’m practically begging him to”Please let’s start the classes! I have to go to a RCC!” Did he just give in and agree to got to Mass to keep the peace?

We aren’t the kind of family that could go to two different churches. We don’t have that kind of time for one thing. He has too many work hours and too strange of a schedule. Also, we both do not want to confuse the kids. So it will have to be one or the other. Of course if I continued to attend our Brethren church for him, I would be doing it for him….so either way one of us will be making a sacrifice. DH is not an overbearing domineering gotta have it my way kind of husband. I am so blessed. I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries. I don’t want dh to just be coming for me though…. and that’s the kind of guy he is. He will be doing it for me. But I want him to come for Jesus and for his own relationship…and of course the children. And also for me.

He listened to a Catholic Apologist John Martignoni “One Church” with me a few nights ago. He seemed to really understand it. That’s when he agreed to go to Mass with me. But after Mass he seemed distant, and when I asked him what he thought, he told me that of course it’s hard changing. He was happy at our Brethren church.

What’s bothering him is not the difference in the two churches Teaching, Protestant vs. Catholic but rather it’s the getting used to a new place again, meeting new people and all of that. He’s ready to stay planted, not keep moving around (we’ve moved churches 3 times this past year since CC split). Crossing the Tiber isn’t the problem, it’s that he’s ready to grow “roots” in a church with our family. Make relationships for us and our children, get involved in serving. We were just starting to get acclimated to our Brethren church when God showed me the Truth. I told dh atleast God showed me NOW and not two years from now. 6 months at Brethren isn’t that long. I don’t know one person beside the pastor and a few people in the nursery whose names I keep forgetting. And dh doesn’t either.

Also, dh is blessed that he doesn’t have layers of Protestant theology to work through like me. To him the RCC is just a different worship style, and yes it makes sense to him that there is only One Church (like the CD).

But change is hard.

And I don’t understand how God would show me all of this, leading me here if it was only to have me NOT convert. That wouldn’t make sense. And I feel responsible to raise up my children with a correct understanding of Sacred Scripture and Tradition. I want them to learn all about the Catholic faith WITH me while they are still young. I want to enjoy all of this with DH. I can’t imagine him not coming with me. And I’m not sure what my response could be to the Truth other than moving forward. I need to keep praying.

The kids don’t love it either. They miss the social part of the other church. DD especially.

Sigh…..I wish I could wave my magic wand and make everything just right for my family. Time…it will take time.

On a funny note, both dh and ds were listening to the homily because Father said something about Jesus dying on a tree for our sins. I was outside with dd at the time who was very loud. Anyway, they both questioned this….ds and dh because usually we say and read Jesus died on the Cross. So they were asking me why Father phrased it that way. So I looked it up in the Bible, and found it in 1 Peter 2:24. And that is exactly what St. Peter says,

“who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness–by whose stripes you were healed.”

Of course it was a tree, the wood came from a tree. Anyway, dh said, atleast you’ve got thinkers in this family. And they were paying attention! And I thought to myself, Father was just reading straight out of the Bible. I don’t have the homily in front of me anymore, but I bet the reading was from 1 Peter 2:24 today. Isn’t that funny….those Catholics are always changing or adding to Scripture. Tree for Cross, can you imagine. LOL

Update: I decided to look up the homily for myself and the reading was actually from the book of Acts 10:39:

“And we are witnesses of all things which He did both in the land of the Jews and in Jerusalem, whom they killed by hanging on a tree.”

Today I brought my three children with me for the first time to a Catholic Mass. I asked dh if it would be okay since it was Palm Sunday. He has agreed to go with Mass with me in the future, so we can be unified as a family. But he hasn’t been available to do so yet. I am also wanting to tread lightly, this is his relationship with Jesus also. Not mine. He would be quite happy if I decided I could just go to our Grace Brethren still. But I can’t. I could do both, if he wishes to. But my heart wants us to be received into the Church together unified as a family. Anyway, he gave me his blessing to take the children today. So I did.

When I woke up this morning, I knelt beside my bed and prayed, “Please Lord draw the kids close to you today. ” They didn’t want to go. Well, they didn’t mind going but they both said they loved their old church and did not want to change. Anyway, I was nervous about them not liking it at all and reporting to dh that it was terrible, etc. So I prayed, “Please Lord, draw them close to YOU today.”

So we get to the parish, and I inquire if the best thing to do is take the kids with me to the crying room in the back of the sanctuary. And a kind soul told me that there was a Children’s Liturgy at the 10:00 Mass (which we were at) and before the Homily the Priest would invite the children up and then all of the children together would exit to Children’s Liturgy. My son liked this because he is used to being dismissed before the sermon at our present church. Good so far! So anyway, right before the Homily the Priest called for the children to come up, and my children ran up….I walked them to the aisle and got to smell the incense for the first time ( I saw it burning but couldn’t smell anything in the crying room). I almost cried because I smelled it as I saw my children running to join in with the other children in God’s church. It was such a special moment.

So the rest of the service I spent trying to keep my wiggly toddler happy. But I was still able to join in, following along in the book they gave me at the door. I don’t know what they call this book yet. The homily was longer today because it was Palm Sunday and it was from Luke’s Gospel today. I don’t have it in front of me to record here. But it was all very moving and I heard nothing but SCRIPTURE the entire time. I was very teary throughout the Homily.

Then the kids joined back with me in the crying room before the Eucharist was served. The first thing my son showed me was a special little stone with a cross on it that he was given during the Children’s Liturgy…he told me it was “blessed”. If he had told me something of that kind 6 months ago I would have made sure he knew that that was NOT what we did! LOL That would be creating an idol. I’ve come far…because it actually warmed my heart when he shared that with me. My son likes special treasures and so I was thankful to the Lord because I felt He was answering my request from this morning. DD also met a little friend, and both of them had their Sunday School sheets with crosses and a lesson on them to do at home. And so I think they will do just fine.

When we got home from Mass today, my kids were waving their palm branches that were handed out at the door, and wishing the neighbors “Happy Palm Sunday”. DD wanted to give one to her little girlfriend down the street. I thought to myself how judgmental I’ve been in the past….so hung up on avoiding any sort of “traditions of men” thinking it pagan or idol worship or not meaningful. Look how much fun my dd was having, and she was sharing it with her friends already! I suddenly felt so ashamed…I remember visiting that very same parish for a funeral a few years ago….and thinking smugly to myself that all of that service was just pagan ritual. But now I see these traditions are so beautiful and also so helpful in drawing me close to Him, here in this physical world I still reside in for now. As I remembered all of my sinful judgements in the past, I cried and asked the Lord to please forgive me for judging HIS Church like that. I am so ashamed. And not only have I been guilty of judging the One Church He has given to us, but also I have judged other Protestant churches in the past as well. Each of us is doing the best we can to try and serve Him the best we know how. I know I was and look how far I was from the Truth, and I certainly don’t have it all together now. Far from it, I feel like a babe in Christ…brand new Christian all over again. I hope that from now on I can look at people differently….not wondering about whether they’re truly saved or not, or if they are a mature Christian or not, but rather how can I love them. Show Christ to them. Or Like Mother Theresa said, find Jesus in them.

Well, dh got home from work and asked the kids how they liked church. Of course they both said they only liked it a little. That they had to sit still too much, etc. LOL But dd then went on to tell him how there was a little girl who was stealing crayons in the Children’s liturgy. She was breaking them in half and putting them in her pocket. DH looks at me, and says “what kind of a place are you taking the kids?” I told him, the church is made up of sinners, not perfect people. He started laughing, because he was just joking, but I thought he was serious! I thought he was just looking for something to complain about so we wouldn’t go there anymore. At-least he’s got a sense of humor about my journey.