It’s been sometime since I have posted to my blog. Easter has come and gone. I have thought a million thoughts about that Easter Vigil and keep telling myself I need to write it down here. But somehow words just can’t begin to express the wondrous events of that evening. So I keep putting it off. One thing does stand out though. A surprising thing. For so long I had been anticipating my first Holy Communion and receiving Jesus in Holy Communion was so wonderful. But the highlight of that night, THE MOMENT, was when Father laid his hands on me and confirmed me in the Catholic Faith. That was the moment that I didn’t expect to feel anything. But that was the moment that I felt the goosebumps all over with tears streaming down my face. I was Catholic at that moment. I felt a warmth pass through my body when Father laid hands on me. Yes, there is Grace in all of the Sacraments. So hard for me to understand, this grace which takes place in a physical act. Baptism by water. Confirmation by laying on of hands. Confession to the priest. Marriage. But in all of these, while it is a physical act, there is also faith working with the action. Intentions. Baptism is not complete without the proper intentions. The proper words must be used, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”. The faith of the parents, in the event of an infant baptism, or the faith of the older child of reason or adult is behind this intention as well.

Anyway, it seems so simplistic in some ways. I think I was rather gnostic in my beliefs before as a Protestant thinking that the physical things were bad, and of “the flesh” and something I must fight against. Only the spiritual was good. But God made me with a body. This is how I am different than the Angel. I am Spirit and a Body. This has been liberating for me as I put icons up around my house and feel free to gaze upon the crucifix or actually touch it. These are all aids to my worship of God. I am not worshiping the picture or the crucifix anymore than I worshiped my Bible when I held it in my hands as I prayed as an Evangelical. They are reminders to me of an actual event that took place for me a sinner. Christ on the Cross. Or Jesus at the Last Supper. It helps me remember. Just as the movie “The Passion” was such an aid to many Evangelicals, me included. Are movies an Idol? Well, I guess some might argue they can be. But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say idol. I’m talking about the use of the medium of cinema to portray the Gospel or the Passion of Christ is similar to the use of the crucifix or Rosary or icons by a Catholic Christian. We are using them for a similar purpose, that is to aid us in our meditation on what Christ did for us, to aid us in growing in prayer and holiness. The Catholic uses the Rosary beads to meditate on Christ’s life and his death and resurrection. I gaze at my crucifix and am reminded of what my sins cost Our Lord. I gaze at my icon of the Last Supper to remind me that He instituted the Holy Eucharist at the Last Supper. His Body broken for me. His Blood shed for me.

So it’s been nearly 4 months since the Easter Vigil. Since then my 2 year old was baptized. Praise Be to God! And also, my 9 year old son had his first Holy Communion. Funny thing…as I was preparing my son for this big day, we attended a workshop at the parish with his RCIA class. We were discussing the Real Presence, my son and I. And I said to him, “I know it’s hard to fathom how Jesus can be really present in the Host.” And my son said, “Not for me, Mom. I figure He’s God. He can do Anything.” Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said we must be like little children in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Do I feel any different now that I am Catholic? I don’t feel that different except that I feel “completed”. Like there are no dangling questions in the back of my mind about what is the Church. What are the essentials of the Christian Faith. I feel HOME. It’s such a wonderful feeling. I sometimes wonder if this is what Jewish person feels like when they realize that Jesus is their Messiah they’ve been waiting for. That’s how I felt when I realized that the Catholic Church was His Church. Completed. I don’t regret my Evangelical roots AT ALL. I learned so much about the Bible during those years. My faith was real and relevant. I just feel completed now.

Do I feel any different since taking the Eucharist? Yes, I can say I do feel different. I feel closer to Jesus. I also feel an insatiable desire to return again and again to Mass. For anyone that would say going to Mass too frequently or receiving Holy Communion too often is boring and repetitive, the opposite has been the case for me. I can’t go enough! I would go every day if possible. But with my 3 kiddos, it just hasn’t worked out yet. Hopefully one day it will. I have been able to go at least once during the week in addition to Sunday Mass. And it still feels like an eternity between each Mass.

Did I say how much I LOVE the Mass? How I love being with Our Lord at the Mass. I love walking into the chapel and knowing that He is Truly There. Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. That He humbled Himself into bread and wine for me a sinner. I eagerly anticipate Holy Communion each and every time. And while it can be a bit distracting with my 2 year old at my hip, it is comforting to know that the fruits of my being at the Mass is not dependent on my feelings about the Mass that day. I may not have felt a thing because of the distraction of my 2 year old, but partaking of Holy Communion combined with my Faith is enough for that moment. My Faith is not dependent on my feelings. Something is happening to me as I partake in Holy Communion and participate in the physical act of worship during the Mass that happens whether I’m feeling it or not. As an Evangelical, if I “heard” a good sermon, then I had been fed and it was the desire of my day. Hearing from God in the sermon. If the worship music moved me, then I had been touched by God. That was how I worshiped God….and in fact I didn’t feel that I had a true experience with God unless I felt Him during that service, heard a relevant word from the sermon, or moved to tears during worship. I’m not saying those things aren’t valid. I believe they are. They are still all good. I still look to hear the Word during the Readings at the Mass and apply it to my life. I am still moved to tears during the Songs at Mass. It’s just that after all of that at my Evangelical service, I still hungered for more! I didn’t know what it was I hungered for, I just knew I wanted More. I didn’t feel completely satisfied. I felt like something was missing. And that’s what is different now. I have found that more in the Eucharist.

Another thing that I thought about today as I sat in Mass was about how the Mass is a constant in this ever changing world. Yes, there have been changes over time, like in Vatican II when the altar rails were removed, and the priest began to face the congregation. I’m sure that was very hard for those parishioners during that time and still is for many. But what I mean is that the fundamentals of the Faith have not changed. There is still the Eucharistic Prayer, the Lord’s Prayer, the Gloria, the Hosanna , the Sign of the Peace, Holy Communion, and everything else about the Mass which is a constant. I love that I can walk into any parish in the world and hear the same readings as my fellow Christians, albeit in a different language most likely. The Holy Spirit guiding the Church. Rhythm. There is such a beautiful rhythm to the Mass. I am starting to understand this more and more.

Just some of my ponderings. I sort of stopped blogging for awhile. I think I will start up again. I have started reading Pope Benedict’s book, Jesus of Nazereth. I also intend to do a study on the book of Romans using an audio by Scott Hahn. I hope to post my thoughts on those here.

We celebrated Easter today at St. Joseph’s Catholic Church. We all went, dh and the 3 kiddos. There was no crying room at this parish, nor childcare for my toddler. That made things a little distracting. But I loved the parish. Someone told me that I would “know” when it was the right one. And today, it felt right. I loved the homily, the children’s choir, the priest went around shaking “holy water” on us. I got a big splash…and LOVED it. It made me laugh, but not in a silly way, but a joyful way. I loved the stained glass windows, the intimate feel in the chapel. The priest sang the scripture and so did we. It was beautiful.

However, it was dh’s first time attending Mass with me. I’ve only been 3 times now, but I have read so much about it, it doesn’t seem as foreign to me anymore. I forgot that it would be completely different for him. I know he is doing this for me. I’m not sure if that’s a good reason or not. Anyway, I don’t think he loved it.

Sometimes I wonder if I am overstepping my boundaries, if I’m not being a “good, submissive wife”. Am I taking too much of a leadership role? He is such a wonderful husband, always seeking to keep peace in our family. When we first started homeschooling, it was because I constantly talked about it with him. He says I always get my way. And he says that with a laugh, but in a sense he is right. I like to think that God changes his heart. But is it God or is it me begging him to death until he finally gives in to keep me quiet.

Like right now…..all he hears me talking about is Catholic things. I’m practically begging him to”Please let’s start the classes! I have to go to a RCC!” Did he just give in and agree to got to Mass to keep the peace?

We aren’t the kind of family that could go to two different churches. We don’t have that kind of time for one thing. He has too many work hours and too strange of a schedule. Also, we both do not want to confuse the kids. So it will have to be one or the other. Of course if I continued to attend our Brethren church for him, I would be doing it for him….so either way one of us will be making a sacrifice. DH is not an overbearing domineering gotta have it my way kind of husband. I am so blessed. I hope I’m not overstepping my boundaries. I don’t want dh to just be coming for me though…. and that’s the kind of guy he is. He will be doing it for me. But I want him to come for Jesus and for his own relationship…and of course the children. And also for me.

He listened to a Catholic Apologist John Martignoni “One Church” with me a few nights ago. He seemed to really understand it. That’s when he agreed to go to Mass with me. But after Mass he seemed distant, and when I asked him what he thought, he told me that of course it’s hard changing. He was happy at our Brethren church.

What’s bothering him is not the difference in the two churches Teaching, Protestant vs. Catholic but rather it’s the getting used to a new place again, meeting new people and all of that. He’s ready to stay planted, not keep moving around (we’ve moved churches 3 times this past year since CC split). Crossing the Tiber isn’t the problem, it’s that he’s ready to grow “roots” in a church with our family. Make relationships for us and our children, get involved in serving. We were just starting to get acclimated to our Brethren church when God showed me the Truth. I told dh atleast God showed me NOW and not two years from now. 6 months at Brethren isn’t that long. I don’t know one person beside the pastor and a few people in the nursery whose names I keep forgetting. And dh doesn’t either.

Also, dh is blessed that he doesn’t have layers of Protestant theology to work through like me. To him the RCC is just a different worship style, and yes it makes sense to him that there is only One Church (like the CD).

But change is hard.

And I don’t understand how God would show me all of this, leading me here if it was only to have me NOT convert. That wouldn’t make sense. And I feel responsible to raise up my children with a correct understanding of Sacred Scripture and Tradition. I want them to learn all about the Catholic faith WITH me while they are still young. I want to enjoy all of this with DH. I can’t imagine him not coming with me. And I’m not sure what my response could be to the Truth other than moving forward. I need to keep praying.

The kids don’t love it either. They miss the social part of the other church. DD especially.

Sigh…..I wish I could wave my magic wand and make everything just right for my family. Time…it will take time.

On a funny note, both dh and ds were listening to the homily because Father said something about Jesus dying on a tree for our sins. I was outside with dd at the time who was very loud. Anyway, they both questioned this….ds and dh because usually we say and read Jesus died on the Cross. So they were asking me why Father phrased it that way. So I looked it up in the Bible, and found it in 1 Peter 2:24. And that is exactly what St. Peter says,

“who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness–by whose stripes you were healed.”

Of course it was a tree, the wood came from a tree. Anyway, dh said, atleast you’ve got thinkers in this family. And they were paying attention! And I thought to myself, Father was just reading straight out of the Bible. I don’t have the homily in front of me anymore, but I bet the reading was from 1 Peter 2:24 today. Isn’t that funny….those Catholics are always changing or adding to Scripture. Tree for Cross, can you imagine. LOL

Update: I decided to look up the homily for myself and the reading was actually from the book of Acts 10:39:

“And we are witnesses of all things which He did both in the land of the Jews and in Jerusalem, whom they killed by hanging on a tree.”

Today I brought my three children with me for the first time to a Catholic Mass. I asked dh if it would be okay since it was Palm Sunday. He has agreed to go with Mass with me in the future, so we can be unified as a family. But he hasn’t been available to do so yet. I am also wanting to tread lightly, this is his relationship with Jesus also. Not mine. He would be quite happy if I decided I could just go to our Grace Brethren still. But I can’t. I could do both, if he wishes to. But my heart wants us to be received into the Church together unified as a family. Anyway, he gave me his blessing to take the children today. So I did.

When I woke up this morning, I knelt beside my bed and prayed, “Please Lord draw the kids close to you today. ” They didn’t want to go. Well, they didn’t mind going but they both said they loved their old church and did not want to change. Anyway, I was nervous about them not liking it at all and reporting to dh that it was terrible, etc. So I prayed, “Please Lord, draw them close to YOU today.”

So we get to the parish, and I inquire if the best thing to do is take the kids with me to the crying room in the back of the sanctuary. And a kind soul told me that there was a Children’s Liturgy at the 10:00 Mass (which we were at) and before the Homily the Priest would invite the children up and then all of the children together would exit to Children’s Liturgy. My son liked this because he is used to being dismissed before the sermon at our present church. Good so far! So anyway, right before the Homily the Priest called for the children to come up, and my children ran up….I walked them to the aisle and got to smell the incense for the first time ( I saw it burning but couldn’t smell anything in the crying room). I almost cried because I smelled it as I saw my children running to join in with the other children in God’s church. It was such a special moment.

So the rest of the service I spent trying to keep my wiggly toddler happy. But I was still able to join in, following along in the book they gave me at the door. I don’t know what they call this book yet. The homily was longer today because it was Palm Sunday and it was from Luke’s Gospel today. I don’t have it in front of me to record here. But it was all very moving and I heard nothing but SCRIPTURE the entire time. I was very teary throughout the Homily.

Then the kids joined back with me in the crying room before the Eucharist was served. The first thing my son showed me was a special little stone with a cross on it that he was given during the Children’s Liturgy…he told me it was “blessed”. If he had told me something of that kind 6 months ago I would have made sure he knew that that was NOT what we did! LOL That would be creating an idol. I’ve come far…because it actually warmed my heart when he shared that with me. My son likes special treasures and so I was thankful to the Lord because I felt He was answering my request from this morning. DD also met a little friend, and both of them had their Sunday School sheets with crosses and a lesson on them to do at home. And so I think they will do just fine.

When we got home from Mass today, my kids were waving their palm branches that were handed out at the door, and wishing the neighbors “Happy Palm Sunday”. DD wanted to give one to her little girlfriend down the street. I thought to myself how judgmental I’ve been in the past….so hung up on avoiding any sort of “traditions of men” thinking it pagan or idol worship or not meaningful. Look how much fun my dd was having, and she was sharing it with her friends already! I suddenly felt so ashamed…I remember visiting that very same parish for a funeral a few years ago….and thinking smugly to myself that all of that service was just pagan ritual. But now I see these traditions are so beautiful and also so helpful in drawing me close to Him, here in this physical world I still reside in for now. As I remembered all of my sinful judgements in the past, I cried and asked the Lord to please forgive me for judging HIS Church like that. I am so ashamed. And not only have I been guilty of judging the One Church He has given to us, but also I have judged other Protestant churches in the past as well. Each of us is doing the best we can to try and serve Him the best we know how. I know I was and look how far I was from the Truth, and I certainly don’t have it all together now. Far from it, I feel like a babe in Christ…brand new Christian all over again. I hope that from now on I can look at people differently….not wondering about whether they’re truly saved or not, or if they are a mature Christian or not, but rather how can I love them. Show Christ to them. Or Like Mother Theresa said, find Jesus in them.

Well, dh got home from work and asked the kids how they liked church. Of course they both said they only liked it a little. That they had to sit still too much, etc. LOL But dd then went on to tell him how there was a little girl who was stealing crayons in the Children’s liturgy. She was breaking them in half and putting them in her pocket. DH looks at me, and says “what kind of a place are you taking the kids?” I told him, the church is made up of sinners, not perfect people. He started laughing, because he was just joking, but I thought he was serious! I thought he was just looking for something to complain about so we wouldn’t go there anymore. At-least he’s got a sense of humor about my journey.