I originally drafted this on August 25th, 2008. I forgot to post it, so I’m posting it now so it’s included in my journal which is what this blog really is. Something for me to look back on one day. Here’s the post:

Tomorrow is the first day of school for us. We are homeschoolers and I am anticipating all that we have planned the next few weeks. I also will be embarking on a new journey as a Catechist in our parishes RCIA. I do not feel prepared for this AT ALL. I still don’t “feel” Catholic if there is such a thing. I worry about how I can possibly catechize someone into the Faith when Easter was just a few months ago. THe good news is that I’m not alone, that I am only responsible for teaching a class every 5 weeks. I enjoy being in the RCIA program and so that part will be good, asking questions, learning still, etc. I just don’t like the leading part. But our priest asked me to do it, as well as our RCIA director. And I feel God nudging me that way. He hasn’t said no anyway.

The part I’m writing now is today, Sept 20th. By the way, I still haven’t sat in as the catechist yet. That will be on Oct. 11th. I’m nervous, especially after what happened at Mass a few Sundays ago. See next post on Modernism in the Church. But homeschooling is going well. Best year ever. Love our new support group. Have some wonderful new friends, and treasured friends from before my conversion, especially my best friend who I was the most worried about losing as a friend. But praise be to Our Lord, Jesus Christ! He is so good. She is still my best friend, and He has restored me. I feel He has blessed me beyond measure! For anyone out there who is wondering how things will work out, if you are the beginning of this journey into Catholicism, don’t give up! I was wondering how it would work out a year ago, would my kids meet other Catholic homeschoolers like them, I didn’t even know where we would find such a thing! My whole world was changing. I was overwhelmed about everything, including small things like which curriculum to use since I had so much to learn about Catholic history and faith issues myself. I was even wondering if perhaps God was leading me to stop homeschooling since it seemed like everything was pointing in that direction. I needed to find a Catholic homeschool group. I felt very isolated and like I didn’t fit in anywhere, not in my new parish where I was the outsider, nor in my former homeschool group because my choice to become Catholic might cause waves. I was scared of the future and lonely for friends who would understand my strange predicament. So anyway, I don’t remember if I posted the story here of how I met new Catholic homeschoolers, but in case I didn’t, here it is.

Last September was the beginning of the school year. Our former homeschool group which was a ministry of our former church a Calvary Chapel had died out. There were wonderful families and friends in that group, so many memories. I remembered our very first get together when my eldest son was just in kindergarten. We had a campout at the park and held hands in a big circle around the fire as we prayed and offered our children and ourselves to the Lord. It was a holy moment. I remember looking at those families through the campfire and thanking God for them, and imagining my children growing up with these children, homeschoolers who loved Jesus. But like I said, after our church split, the home school group died out. We all tried to get together for a “back to school park day’ one Friday last September 2007, two 1/2 years after our church had split now. But hardly anyone showed up. It was obvious to me that day and the others that did come that the group was over. I left that day teary eyed because I felt so alone as a homeschooler, but even more alone now as a Catholic homeschooler. In our parish I did not know any other families like ours, as far as I knew there weren’t any homeschoolers there. I wanted friends for my kiddos. I needed support. I needed a friend like me.

Anyway, I left the park that day with tears in my eyes, and I cried out to the Lord, “What is your plan for us, Lord? For me? For our children? Should we continue to homeschool or not? Lord, I feel so alone!” But as I got into my car and turned on the radio, this song was playing by the Kry. And I felt that familiar sweet Presence of the Holy Spirit in beautiful confirmation that I was not abandoned, that He cared for me, and He knew all of my thoughts and desires and worries. I felt assured that He did indeed have a plan. I had goosebumps all over me in the car and a feeling of peace. It was one of those moments I will remember forever, similar to the first day of my Catholic journey when He used music to lead me. Simply amazing how He reaches down at just the right moment.

Here are the lyrics.

“Take My Hand” from the Kry

I know there are times your dreams turn to dust.
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much?
Give me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a childlike heart
Simply put your hope in Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
just because you scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk.

Don’t live in the past
Yesterday is gone
Wishing memories would last
You’re afraid to carry on
You don’t know what’s coming
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you’ve hoped for and the evidence of things unseen
so take my hand and walk

Just like a child holding daddy’s hand
Don’t let go of mine
You know you can’t stand on your own

Take my hand and walk
Where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where i lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you hope for
And the evidence of the unseen
Take my hand and walk

Two weeks after this, my son began his catechism class to become Catholic, RCIC it’s called. When I met his teacher we were discussing each other’s backgrounds and she was a convert too! She came from an Episcopal background and that wasn’t similar to me, but it was nice to meet another RCIA person. She then asked me my story. I shared with her that I homeschooled and had been frequenting homeschool message board where I began hearing about Catholic things, mostly the REal Presence, and when I told her I homeschooled, her eyes lit up! She said, “You homeschool! My best friend homeschools, oh I wish I homeschooled too!” And I said, “Is your best friend Catholic?” And she said, “Yes! We meet at a park around here with other homeschoolers for a weekly park day!” I about fell over. I couldn’t believe it! The Lord had sent me to this parish, this liberal parish and if he had not, I would have never met this teacher who introduced me to my new Catholic homeschool group and some wonderful new friends who have been mentoring me in the Catholic faith. People like me. Simply amazing.

So anyway, like I said, God has restored me. And again, if you are just embarking on this journey into the Cathoilc Church, don’t give up. Our Lord is so good, so merciful, so amazing.

Thanks Be to God!

It’s been sometime since I have posted to my blog. Easter has come and gone. I have thought a million thoughts about that Easter Vigil and keep telling myself I need to write it down here. But somehow words just can’t begin to express the wondrous events of that evening. So I keep putting it off. One thing does stand out though. A surprising thing. For so long I had been anticipating my first Holy Communion and receiving Jesus in Holy Communion was so wonderful. But the highlight of that night, THE MOMENT, was when Father laid his hands on me and confirmed me in the Catholic Faith. That was the moment that I didn’t expect to feel anything. But that was the moment that I felt the goosebumps all over with tears streaming down my face. I was Catholic at that moment. I felt a warmth pass through my body when Father laid hands on me. Yes, there is Grace in all of the Sacraments. So hard for me to understand, this grace which takes place in a physical act. Baptism by water. Confirmation by laying on of hands. Confession to the priest. Marriage. But in all of these, while it is a physical act, there is also faith working with the action. Intentions. Baptism is not complete without the proper intentions. The proper words must be used, “In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit”. The faith of the parents, in the event of an infant baptism, or the faith of the older child of reason or adult is behind this intention as well.

Anyway, it seems so simplistic in some ways. I think I was rather gnostic in my beliefs before as a Protestant thinking that the physical things were bad, and of “the flesh” and something I must fight against. Only the spiritual was good. But God made me with a body. This is how I am different than the Angel. I am Spirit and a Body. This has been liberating for me as I put icons up around my house and feel free to gaze upon the crucifix or actually touch it. These are all aids to my worship of God. I am not worshiping the picture or the crucifix anymore than I worshiped my Bible when I held it in my hands as I prayed as an Evangelical. They are reminders to me of an actual event that took place for me a sinner. Christ on the Cross. Or Jesus at the Last Supper. It helps me remember. Just as the movie “The Passion” was such an aid to many Evangelicals, me included. Are movies an Idol? Well, I guess some might argue they can be. But that’s not what I’m talking about when I say idol. I’m talking about the use of the medium of cinema to portray the Gospel or the Passion of Christ is similar to the use of the crucifix or Rosary or icons by a Catholic Christian. We are using them for a similar purpose, that is to aid us in our meditation on what Christ did for us, to aid us in growing in prayer and holiness. The Catholic uses the Rosary beads to meditate on Christ’s life and his death and resurrection. I gaze at my crucifix and am reminded of what my sins cost Our Lord. I gaze at my icon of the Last Supper to remind me that He instituted the Holy Eucharist at the Last Supper. His Body broken for me. His Blood shed for me.

So it’s been nearly 4 months since the Easter Vigil. Since then my 2 year old was baptized. Praise Be to God! And also, my 9 year old son had his first Holy Communion. Funny thing…as I was preparing my son for this big day, we attended a workshop at the parish with his RCIA class. We were discussing the Real Presence, my son and I. And I said to him, “I know it’s hard to fathom how Jesus can be really present in the Host.” And my son said, “Not for me, Mom. I figure He’s God. He can do Anything.” Maybe this is what Jesus meant when he said we must be like little children in order to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Do I feel any different now that I am Catholic? I don’t feel that different except that I feel “completed”. Like there are no dangling questions in the back of my mind about what is the Church. What are the essentials of the Christian Faith. I feel HOME. It’s such a wonderful feeling. I sometimes wonder if this is what Jewish person feels like when they realize that Jesus is their Messiah they’ve been waiting for. That’s how I felt when I realized that the Catholic Church was His Church. Completed. I don’t regret my Evangelical roots AT ALL. I learned so much about the Bible during those years. My faith was real and relevant. I just feel completed now.

Do I feel any different since taking the Eucharist? Yes, I can say I do feel different. I feel closer to Jesus. I also feel an insatiable desire to return again and again to Mass. For anyone that would say going to Mass too frequently or receiving Holy Communion too often is boring and repetitive, the opposite has been the case for me. I can’t go enough! I would go every day if possible. But with my 3 kiddos, it just hasn’t worked out yet. Hopefully one day it will. I have been able to go at least once during the week in addition to Sunday Mass. And it still feels like an eternity between each Mass.

Did I say how much I LOVE the Mass? How I love being with Our Lord at the Mass. I love walking into the chapel and knowing that He is Truly There. Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity. That He humbled Himself into bread and wine for me a sinner. I eagerly anticipate Holy Communion each and every time. And while it can be a bit distracting with my 2 year old at my hip, it is comforting to know that the fruits of my being at the Mass is not dependent on my feelings about the Mass that day. I may not have felt a thing because of the distraction of my 2 year old, but partaking of Holy Communion combined with my Faith is enough for that moment. My Faith is not dependent on my feelings. Something is happening to me as I partake in Holy Communion and participate in the physical act of worship during the Mass that happens whether I’m feeling it or not. As an Evangelical, if I “heard” a good sermon, then I had been fed and it was the desire of my day. Hearing from God in the sermon. If the worship music moved me, then I had been touched by God. That was how I worshiped God….and in fact I didn’t feel that I had a true experience with God unless I felt Him during that service, heard a relevant word from the sermon, or moved to tears during worship. I’m not saying those things aren’t valid. I believe they are. They are still all good. I still look to hear the Word during the Readings at the Mass and apply it to my life. I am still moved to tears during the Songs at Mass. It’s just that after all of that at my Evangelical service, I still hungered for more! I didn’t know what it was I hungered for, I just knew I wanted More. I didn’t feel completely satisfied. I felt like something was missing. And that’s what is different now. I have found that more in the Eucharist.

Another thing that I thought about today as I sat in Mass was about how the Mass is a constant in this ever changing world. Yes, there have been changes over time, like in Vatican II when the altar rails were removed, and the priest began to face the congregation. I’m sure that was very hard for those parishioners during that time and still is for many. But what I mean is that the fundamentals of the Faith have not changed. There is still the Eucharistic Prayer, the Lord’s Prayer, the Gloria, the Hosanna , the Sign of the Peace, Holy Communion, and everything else about the Mass which is a constant. I love that I can walk into any parish in the world and hear the same readings as my fellow Christians, albeit in a different language most likely. The Holy Spirit guiding the Church. Rhythm. There is such a beautiful rhythm to the Mass. I am starting to understand this more and more.

Just some of my ponderings. I sort of stopped blogging for awhile. I think I will start up again. I have started reading Pope Benedict’s book, Jesus of Nazereth. I also intend to do a study on the book of Romans using an audio by Scott Hahn. I hope to post my thoughts on those here.

The last month has been a rollercoaster. There was the high of the Rite of Continuing Conversion at the LA Cathedral a few weekends ago. I actually had my Rosary blessed by Cardinal Mahoney. Who’d have thunk this former Calvary Chapel chick would have done something like that! And every song and reading that day spoke right to my heart. The opening hymn was Amazing Grace, my favorite hymn (I’m sure it’s alot of people’s favorite hymn) but it was just like it was handpicked for me. That’s the hymn I sang with my Grandma in the car on the way to UC Davis as we prayed for my mom who was being airlifted there to ICU from a small hospital in Grass Valley. We sang “Amazing Grace” just the two of us, a prayer that my mom would live. And she did. I cried as I now sang this song at the Cathedral and remembered that drive with my Grandma.

The first Reading was about Abraham, and how God called him from his home to a new land, a foreign land. How I can relate to that. I’m coming home but I’m not there yet, Lord. Help me get there, I pray.

After the ceremony, the RCIA director and I were talking and he told me that Father (and he) had been talking, and would like me to consider joining the RCIA as a catechist next year, after Pentecost…so in just a few months! I told him I didn’t know! I would have to pray about it…..think about it….. that I didn’t feel Catholic yet….how could I help someone else become Catholic when I won’t have even been Catholic but for a few days?!? I went home that night feeling honored, but overwhelmed.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot…. the biggie…. my first confession was supposed to take place that following Wednesday. Well, I don’t know if it was the invitation to become a catechist (and not feeling worthy) or just the fact that I had been doing an Examination of Conscience to prepare for my First Confession. Nevertheless, that next morning, before Mass I was OVERWHELMED with the enormity of my past sins. Sins from decades ago that have never been confessed to anyone before. Sins I thought I had dealt with, but obviously were waaaaaaaaay back there in my unconscious still needing to be dealt with. I felt so burdened by them. I couldn’t quit weeping all through Mass. I wanted to have my First Confession NOW, not wait until that Wednesday. I’ve never felt that intense of a feeling before to get something COMPLETED. I even offered up a prayer to God if He in His Mercy could make it that I came in contact with a priest so that I could do just that. And He is so good! Father came to our RCIA that day, he hardly does this….maybe 5 times the whole year. And before I knew it I was blurting out through my tears that I needed to talk with him. And THEN before I knew it, I was giving my First Confession right there face-to-face in the parish activity center’s dining room. No one was around of course. Just he and I and the Lord. And I have never felt such Mercy in my life! There is grace in the Sacraments. My first experience. I didn’t have goosebumps or anything, just peace. And the burden was gone.

Last weekend was the Lenten Retreat. I was anointed with oil by the priest because I will be conditionally baptized at Easter Vigil since I don’t have a certificate-but I actually don’t mind being re-baptized. I think it may have to do with the fact that I was first baptized in a Baptist church when I was 7. And I’m not sure if the Baptist church was anti-Catholic or not, but I know many of them are and it doesn’t feel right to have my Baptism done if there was any chance it was done by Anti-Catholics. I know it’s already a done deal. But I will just “feel” better. I’m lame, I know….all this “feeling” stuff. Sigh.

Well, of course after the high comes the low. Atleast that is the way it is with me. I should have been prepared, but when will I learn to get prepared. To ignore the “feelings”…to ignore the “doubts”. It may have had something to do with my RCIA class, it’s getting more and more heated these days as the orthodox catechists debate the liberal dissenters. Atleast I realize now who is who! It used to just confuse me. But it does plant a seed of doubt in my mind as to whether the RCC has unity or not. My thinking goes like this: First I have to define what is unity. If I’m looking for everyone to agree like robots, well I’m not going to find that. You are striving for that in a Protestant church, atleast I was. If you felt that your disagreed with the pastor or didn’t like the way worship was or whatever it was that didn’t “appeal” to me/you, well, just go look for a new church. Easy enough here in America. We have a church on every corner where I live. There’s a street near me that has 5 or 6 churches right next to each other, all different denominations. Every year they have a Living Nativity and open their doors for people to come inside their Sanctuaries and listen to Christmas carols. This past year I went with new colored glasses….I also went inside the Catholic Church this year for the first time. I’ve been 4 years in a row now to the Living Nativity, but I never set foot in the Catholic Church. It was a false religion! That would be the same as eating dinner with the Anti-Christ. After all, the Pope was supposed to be the Anti-Christ! Anyway, I’m off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, unity….what is unity in the RCC? It is unity of faith and morals. Atleast that is how I understand it. I surely hope no one is here reading to learn about Catholicism from me. Turn away and find another blog. This is just my place to sort out my fried brain. Okay, unity…..we can look to the Church for teachings on Faith and Morals. Look to the Catechism which is very easy to read and understand. If you’re not sure what you think about abortion? Look to the Church. They’ve already decided…it’s wrong. It’s a sin. Same-sex marriage? Look to the Church. It’s been decided. What about birth control? Again, the Church has spoken. It makes life alot simpler. I can quit worrying about if I’m in the right church or not, if I’m being taught right or not. I can just BE, and WORSHIP, when I am at Church. I don’t have to be a theologian, or make sure I’m not in heresy. If I’m going against the Church, then I better take a second look at what I’m doing. I like what G.K. Chesterton said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I don’t want a Church that I agree with, I want a Church that is Right where I am Wrong!” OUCH! Why did I go on this tangent? Oh yeah, the RCIA class….the latest discussion was on whether Jesus made a mistake or not. The modernist Sister thinks so, our Priest thinks so, the orthodox catechists thinks NOT (there’s two of them) and my Sponsor thinks SO….having a sponsor that is so Protestant has been very difficult for me. I feel like I can’t go to him and ask him my hard questions. He tells me I should have more of an “open mind”! Where do we draw the line? The Church says Jesus was Fully Human and Fully God. The Catechism said nothing about Jesus making a mistake. It’s just a modernist movement in the Church, which I don’t get! Why do people want to buck the Authority? So within the Church there is not as much unity as I wish. There is unity in Faith and Morals from the Church’s teachings, but not within the laity. I confess that stumbles me.

That had me going back to my LLL board where this all began. I posted a sincere question. I wanted to hear from the “other side” what is my argument against the Authority of the Church as a Protestant? I asked for someone to help me understand it? I’ve even tried to convert myself back! I’ve tried to read opposing views, watched a terrible video, I wanted to hear those theologian wanna-be’s on LLL give me their best case. But some of them just got nasty! Accused me of my motives, etc. If they were trying to “save” their dear Sister in Christ, they just pushed me further to the Church! Which side has show more Love and Mercy….not always and I don’t want to be stereotypical, but for me, I have seen more Love and Mercy from the Catholics. I’m sure there are mean-spirited Catholics too. But I hope that if someone is sincere in asking me questions, I remember to respond to them with charity.

Anyway, all of that said to say I am on a spiritual roller coaster. I’m ready to get OFF! I’m so ready for Easter Vigil. I have done my best to convert back! For lack of a better way of describing it. But I am like St. Peter, where would I go? Which church would I convert back to? None of them have the fullness of the Faith! This is the real deal. Feelings or not. I don’t see anyway around the Authority of the Church. Not that I want to! I’m relieved that there is an Authority. I’m eager to meet my Lord in Holy Eucharist! I’m ready to GROW in the Grace and Knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Help Me Come Home, Lord! I’m almost there!

It seems I remembered reading in Scott Hahn’s book or another conversion book about a darkness of the soul period. I feel that way right now. DH and I have been having so many challenges lately it seems. I’m experiencing doubts again because of these struggles. Sometimes I wonder if we are having struggles because we are not in God’s will and that the RCC is a bad move. And then I wonder if we are experiencing more challenges BECAUSE it is the right move and we are under spiritual attack as we move closer to our reconciliation with RCC. Whatever the reason, it is a very dark mood these days in our home. I have cried myself to sleep the past three nights. DH has lost his JOY. Where is God’s Peace right now? My soul feels very dark. I feel as if I don’t know anything anymore. Who am I?

I keep remembering this verse:

 

Weeping may last for a night, but Joy cometh in the morning.

Joy should be around the corner. I need to hang on. Help me God, keep me close to You, Lord.

So today I realized that I am in a curious state and have been for these past two months….one in which my head and heart are in different places. It seems that one is always ahead of the other or behind, and they are continuously changing places with each other as well.

In the beginning, on St. Valentine’s Day when everything “clicked” and I was feeling the Lord’s presence so much, that WHOLE day, I didn’t feel any doubts that day…just LOVE, LOVE, LOVE! Also great JOY at the thought that He did have a plan, and a CHURCH for me, for us believers, that there didn’t have to be so much contradiction within the Body of Christ, etc. It was a glorious day. That day my head and heart seemed “aligned” together.

But that is a rare occurrence. Depending on the day and circumstance it is a topsy-turvy sort of world for me right now. Still great joy and love and excitement, etc. But I’m having to work through years and years and layers and layers of Protestant theology. Some days, my brain gets it all! It makes a lot of sense, and on those days it seems my heart feels the loss that will be coming to me, loss of friends that may not understand, loss of my old life before I knew this Glorious Truth. Those days my heart is holding back, holding on to the past.

Then there are days where my brain says “STOP! Things are moving TOO FAST….SLOW DOWN!” That happened on Sunday night after listening to a sermon on EWTN regarding Mary. I’m having a hard time with Mary right now. While my heart wants to simply just believe in all of it, my brain says STOP! I haven’t worked through all of these doctrines yet. I’ve read a lot of them, and they make sense to me in a very real way….I imagine because I’m reading TRUTH…..but my brain still has to work through the nuts and bolts of it all, own it for myself. Those days my heart is ahead of my brain. (Side-note: I decided to put off Mary doctrine for another day, I’ll just stick to Peter and the keys for now!!)

This is definitely one of THE most challenging experiences of my life. I am being challenged to my very core about who I am…who God is…who Jesus is…how He wants to be worshiped….which is different than my 40 years have understood it to be this far. What will it all mean for the future? For my family….as my choices not only affect me but them. And my closest and dearest friends.

Last night as I nursed my baby to sleep and mulled it all over, I started crying, anticipating how different things are going to be….mourning my old life again. It’s like another convert wrote….she’s set up her tent outside of the Promised Land, the land that God has brought her too. But Egypt looks pretty good sometimes. Maybe if I just sit out here on the other side of the Promised Land close enough to the Light, that is good enough.

But it is not….it is not obedience. I know that if I don’t move forward it would be disobedience. And I am mourning my old life of ignorance today. My heart is holding back today.