I originally drafted this on August 25th, 2008. I forgot to post it, so I’m posting it now so it’s included in my journal which is what this blog really is. Something for me to look back on one day. Here’s the post:

Tomorrow is the first day of school for us. We are homeschoolers and I am anticipating all that we have planned the next few weeks. I also will be embarking on a new journey as a Catechist in our parishes RCIA. I do not feel prepared for this AT ALL. I still don’t “feel” Catholic if there is such a thing. I worry about how I can possibly catechize someone into the Faith when Easter was just a few months ago. THe good news is that I’m not alone, that I am only responsible for teaching a class every 5 weeks. I enjoy being in the RCIA program and so that part will be good, asking questions, learning still, etc. I just don’t like the leading part. But our priest asked me to do it, as well as our RCIA director. And I feel God nudging me that way. He hasn’t said no anyway.

The part I’m writing now is today, Sept 20th. By the way, I still haven’t sat in as the catechist yet. That will be on Oct. 11th. I’m nervous, especially after what happened at Mass a few Sundays ago. See next post on Modernism in the Church. But homeschooling is going well. Best year ever. Love our new support group. Have some wonderful new friends, and treasured friends from before my conversion, especially my best friend who I was the most worried about losing as a friend. But praise be to Our Lord, Jesus Christ! He is so good. She is still my best friend, and He has restored me. I feel He has blessed me beyond measure! For anyone out there who is wondering how things will work out, if you are the beginning of this journey into Catholicism, don’t give up! I was wondering how it would work out a year ago, would my kids meet other Catholic homeschoolers like them, I didn’t even know where we would find such a thing! My whole world was changing. I was overwhelmed about everything, including small things like which curriculum to use since I had so much to learn about Catholic history and faith issues myself. I was even wondering if perhaps God was leading me to stop homeschooling since it seemed like everything was pointing in that direction. I needed to find a Catholic homeschool group. I felt very isolated and like I didn’t fit in anywhere, not in my new parish where I was the outsider, nor in my former homeschool group because my choice to become Catholic might cause waves. I was scared of the future and lonely for friends who would understand my strange predicament. So anyway, I don’t remember if I posted the story here of how I met new Catholic homeschoolers, but in case I didn’t, here it is.

Last September was the beginning of the school year. Our former homeschool group which was a ministry of our former church a Calvary Chapel had died out. There were wonderful families and friends in that group, so many memories. I remembered our very first get together when my eldest son was just in kindergarten. We had a campout at the park and held hands in a big circle around the fire as we prayed and offered our children and ourselves to the Lord. It was a holy moment. I remember looking at those families through the campfire and thanking God for them, and imagining my children growing up with these children, homeschoolers who loved Jesus. But like I said, after our church split, the home school group died out. We all tried to get together for a “back to school park day’ one Friday last September 2007, two 1/2 years after our church had split now. But hardly anyone showed up. It was obvious to me that day and the others that did come that the group was over. I left that day teary eyed because I felt so alone as a homeschooler, but even more alone now as a Catholic homeschooler. In our parish I did not know any other families like ours, as far as I knew there weren’t any homeschoolers there. I wanted friends for my kiddos. I needed support. I needed a friend like me.

Anyway, I left the park that day with tears in my eyes, and I cried out to the Lord, “What is your plan for us, Lord? For me? For our children? Should we continue to homeschool or not? Lord, I feel so alone!” But as I got into my car and turned on the radio, this song was playing by the Kry. And I felt that familiar sweet Presence of the Holy Spirit in beautiful confirmation that I was not abandoned, that He cared for me, and He knew all of my thoughts and desires and worries. I felt assured that He did indeed have a plan. I had goosebumps all over me in the car and a feeling of peace. It was one of those moments I will remember forever, similar to the first day of my Catholic journey when He used music to lead me. Simply amazing how He reaches down at just the right moment.

Here are the lyrics.

“Take My Hand” from the Kry

I know there are times your dreams turn to dust.
You wonder as you cry
Why it has to hurt so much?
Give me all your sadness
Someday you will know the reason why
With a childlike heart
Simply put your hope in Me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
just because you scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk.

Don’t live in the past
Yesterday is gone
Wishing memories would last
You’re afraid to carry on
You don’t know what’s coming
But you know the one who holds tomorrow
I will be your guide
Take you through the night
If you keep your eyes on me

Take my hand and walk where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where I lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you’ve hoped for and the evidence of things unseen
so take my hand and walk

Just like a child holding daddy’s hand
Don’t let go of mine
You know you can’t stand on your own

Take my hand and walk
Where I lead
Keep your eyes on me alone
Don’t you say why were the old days better
Just because you’re scared of the unknown
Take my hand and walk where i lead
You will never be alone
Faith is the measure of what you hope for
And the evidence of the unseen
Take my hand and walk

Two weeks after this, my son began his catechism class to become Catholic, RCIC it’s called. When I met his teacher we were discussing each other’s backgrounds and she was a convert too! She came from an Episcopal background and that wasn’t similar to me, but it was nice to meet another RCIA person. She then asked me my story. I shared with her that I homeschooled and had been frequenting homeschool message board where I began hearing about Catholic things, mostly the REal Presence, and when I told her I homeschooled, her eyes lit up! She said, “You homeschool! My best friend homeschools, oh I wish I homeschooled too!” And I said, “Is your best friend Catholic?” And she said, “Yes! We meet at a park around here with other homeschoolers for a weekly park day!” I about fell over. I couldn’t believe it! The Lord had sent me to this parish, this liberal parish and if he had not, I would have never met this teacher who introduced me to my new Catholic homeschool group and some wonderful new friends who have been mentoring me in the Catholic faith. People like me. Simply amazing.

So anyway, like I said, God has restored me. And again, if you are just embarking on this journey into the Cathoilc Church, don’t give up. Our Lord is so good, so merciful, so amazing.

Thanks Be to God!

Sunday we had the Homilies of all Homilies. Our newly ordained Deacon gave a homily on the Social Teaching of the Church in light of the election around the corner and the importance of this election. He mentioned that life was sacred at all levels, not just from conception. I agree with this. But it was obvious that he had an agenda. He went on to talk about the need for the faithful Catholic to vote his conscience when it comes to the election. And that if after much prayer, studying the issue, and discussion , if you as a faithful Catholic disagreed with what the Church teaches (abortion) then you must vote your conscience. Okay, fine, I understand that not all Catholics will be voting for the candidate that is pro-life. They will look to the war as a “life issue”, even though there is a good argument to be made that abortion is the main issue on which to make your decision. But the main thing that troubles me is that I don’t think the pulpit is the place for our deacon to be discussing this. Especially, since I knew where he was heading in the future because of how our priest leans.

Oh my. I had to pray earnestly before receiving Holy Communion to help me forgive the Deacon. I had to fight back tears so as not to make a scene. This Church that I have come to BECAUSE of Authority and Eucharist, to have those that were born into her or who are in the Seminaries dissenting from the Magisterium and not appreciating the Church’s Authority just breaks my heart.

So I prayed for forgiveness “Help me to Love and forgive, Lord.” And then I received the Precious Body and Blood and Soul and Divinity from the Deacon’s hands. Afterwards I kneeled in prayer and thanksgiving and adoration. I even truly had forgiven our Deacon.

But then Father-right before dismissal-added his two cents. He said that he agreed with all that the Deacon said during the homily, but that he would only add one other thing regarding conscience. ANd that would be something that Cardinal Newman had said after the Pope’s infallibility doctrine was declared (I think that’s what he said). Cardinal Newman said (I’m paraphasing my priest), “I drink first to conscience and then to the Pope.” And then Father went on to talk about how we must examine our conscience because the Holy Spirit speaks to our conscience (I agree) and also because the Holy Spirit can impress upon the laity whether a teaching of the Church is true or not. Also, he never talked about how we need to have a PROPERLY FORMED conscience. The part he omitted was how we can use the Catechism, the Teaching of the Church and Scripture to help PROPERLY form our Conscience. Otherwise, our conscience can deceive us, but he never mentioned this. He just repeated that if our Conscience is going against the Church’s teaching, then we must go with our Conscience. And to illustrate this, he used the example of how 90% of Catholics disagree with the Church’s teaching on birth control. And so they practice birth control. And so it is acceptable and not a sin (nevermind the Church calls contraception intrinsically evil) because they are only following their conscience.

He said that during the 70’s he almost lost his position because of his stance on birth control and how he believed the Church was WRONG on this teaching. But praise be to the Blessed Mother, he did not lose his position. He then went on to say that since 90% of Catholics believe that birth control is wrong, that therefore the Church MUST BE WRONG ON THIS TEACHING. Can you believe that?!?!?!?!? A teaching of the Church is wrong, because the laity think it is. Nevermind that perhaps the reason the laity don’t like it is because it’s a hard teaching. Or perhaps the laity aren’t being taught why “no contraception”. Nevermind that the 90% of Catholics he is talking about are American Catholics, not Catholics of the whole world and of all time. But just because it’s unpopular does not make it wrong anyway. I would suggest that the opposite is true. Most likely, the more unpopular the teaching, the more likelihood it’s TRUE. After all, Our Lord didn’t come preaching things that were popular. His teachings were “hard teachings” as well. Turn the other cheek. Pick up your cross. Deny yourself. Even the Eucharist was a hard teaching and many disciples left him at that time. (See John 6)

Besides morality is not something one votes on. A thing is either moral or not! It doesn’t cease being moral. A thing is either True or Not. It doesn’t cease being TRUE just because we human beings change our mind on the thing.

Anyway, our priest thinks that this is a correct understanding of the “Sensus Fidelium”. I asked my spitfire members for help. Here is what one member replied with:

The Latin term you’re looking for is “sensus fidelium” – the “sense of the faithful”, if you will. The classic case is the definition of the dogma of the Immaculate Conception by Pope Pius IX. It is crucial to understand, contra your pastor and deacon, sensus fidelium is meant as a gift given to the faithful as a whole not as individual people. To use an ancient definition, it would be the faith “held always and everywhere, and by everyone”. As such, to attempt to use sensus fidelium as an argument for individual dissent on a topic of faith or morals long held by the Church is at best a mistaken misappropriation of a term and at best an attempt to confuse the people by and intentional mis-statement of a somewhat complex (in action, if not definition) concept.

So I just had to get this off my chest. We ain’t leaving this parish. DH says no way. We are not Protestants anymore, he says. We stay and do our part. He says that if we leave this parish for the orthodox one down the street, what’s to keep that parish from having a liberal priest come in a few years down the road, and then we’re faced with the same problem. So, we will stay and do our part, he says.

Pray for me. I’m not gifted with eloquence of speech. I have to speak in RCIA (as a catechist) and the topic I have been asked to speak on is LIFE of all things, and the Church’s teaching on LIFE. So I know that Fr. will come to sit in on this class, and obviously we will have a disagreement. I’m not so good at disagreements or butting heads. I fear I will not act with as much charity as I should. I fear I will stumble the new catecumen who is in our RCIA class.

Sigh.

I can’t believe that Easter Vigil is almost here! Today we had our last meeting together before Easter Vigil as an RCIA class. Sister Karen led the Retreat and it was a very beautiful time. Lots of reflections and contemplations. At the end the director, a sweet little elderly man who I have grown to love and appreciate so much, asked me if my family (dh and I and kids) would present the Gifts on Easter Vigil! I can hardly fathom that I am about to receive Holy Eucharist for the first time, and that our family will be involved in such a special way. The Lord is so GOOD!

Also, my very best friend, who has been confused by my conversion, shared with me yesterday (she is reading Thomas Howard’s “Lead Kindly, Light” loaned to her by yours truly) that she understands why I’m converting. Even if she never converts herself….she understands why I would. She shared with me that she is on a journey of her own. And that she has been having dreams that she is worshiping God in the Catholic Church. She is very drawn right now. Just the fact that she shared this with me right before Easter Vigil is such a precious gift from the Lord to me! I have PEACE about my decision to follow Him into the Catholic Church. I am so very grateful and humbled by His love for me. That He would care so much as to allow my friend to have peace for me at this point in time and for her to share that with me right before my reception….I’m just so awed as His timing.

The doubts are gone. I am still nervous about actually receiving Holy Communion now, but not because I’m not sure if the Catholic Church is True or not….no….my nerves have to do with the fact that I am about to receive Jesus in Holy Communion for the first time and how unworthy I am. How much he has loved me my and how faithful He has been to me my life, even during the times when I am not faithful to Him. It grieves me to know how I have sinned against Him and hurt Him during my life. But He is so merciful. Today at the Retreat we were asked to listen with our Heart to the Readings and whatever phrases jumped out at us to mediate on those words over and over, praying for God to speak to our Hearts. My words were “Come to me, I will renew you”. I am almost Home!

The last month has been a rollercoaster. There was the high of the Rite of Continuing Conversion at the LA Cathedral a few weekends ago. I actually had my Rosary blessed by Cardinal Mahoney. Who’d have thunk this former Calvary Chapel chick would have done something like that! And every song and reading that day spoke right to my heart. The opening hymn was Amazing Grace, my favorite hymn (I’m sure it’s alot of people’s favorite hymn) but it was just like it was handpicked for me. That’s the hymn I sang with my Grandma in the car on the way to UC Davis as we prayed for my mom who was being airlifted there to ICU from a small hospital in Grass Valley. We sang “Amazing Grace” just the two of us, a prayer that my mom would live. And she did. I cried as I now sang this song at the Cathedral and remembered that drive with my Grandma.

The first Reading was about Abraham, and how God called him from his home to a new land, a foreign land. How I can relate to that. I’m coming home but I’m not there yet, Lord. Help me get there, I pray.

After the ceremony, the RCIA director and I were talking and he told me that Father (and he) had been talking, and would like me to consider joining the RCIA as a catechist next year, after Pentecost…so in just a few months! I told him I didn’t know! I would have to pray about it…..think about it….. that I didn’t feel Catholic yet….how could I help someone else become Catholic when I won’t have even been Catholic but for a few days?!? I went home that night feeling honored, but overwhelmed.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot…. the biggie…. my first confession was supposed to take place that following Wednesday. Well, I don’t know if it was the invitation to become a catechist (and not feeling worthy) or just the fact that I had been doing an Examination of Conscience to prepare for my First Confession. Nevertheless, that next morning, before Mass I was OVERWHELMED with the enormity of my past sins. Sins from decades ago that have never been confessed to anyone before. Sins I thought I had dealt with, but obviously were waaaaaaaaay back there in my unconscious still needing to be dealt with. I felt so burdened by them. I couldn’t quit weeping all through Mass. I wanted to have my First Confession NOW, not wait until that Wednesday. I’ve never felt that intense of a feeling before to get something COMPLETED. I even offered up a prayer to God if He in His Mercy could make it that I came in contact with a priest so that I could do just that. And He is so good! Father came to our RCIA that day, he hardly does this….maybe 5 times the whole year. And before I knew it I was blurting out through my tears that I needed to talk with him. And THEN before I knew it, I was giving my First Confession right there face-to-face in the parish activity center’s dining room. No one was around of course. Just he and I and the Lord. And I have never felt such Mercy in my life! There is grace in the Sacraments. My first experience. I didn’t have goosebumps or anything, just peace. And the burden was gone.

Last weekend was the Lenten Retreat. I was anointed with oil by the priest because I will be conditionally baptized at Easter Vigil since I don’t have a certificate-but I actually don’t mind being re-baptized. I think it may have to do with the fact that I was first baptized in a Baptist church when I was 7. And I’m not sure if the Baptist church was anti-Catholic or not, but I know many of them are and it doesn’t feel right to have my Baptism done if there was any chance it was done by Anti-Catholics. I know it’s already a done deal. But I will just “feel” better. I’m lame, I know….all this “feeling” stuff. Sigh.

Well, of course after the high comes the low. Atleast that is the way it is with me. I should have been prepared, but when will I learn to get prepared. To ignore the “feelings”…to ignore the “doubts”. It may have had something to do with my RCIA class, it’s getting more and more heated these days as the orthodox catechists debate the liberal dissenters. Atleast I realize now who is who! It used to just confuse me. But it does plant a seed of doubt in my mind as to whether the RCC has unity or not. My thinking goes like this: First I have to define what is unity. If I’m looking for everyone to agree like robots, well I’m not going to find that. You are striving for that in a Protestant church, atleast I was. If you felt that your disagreed with the pastor or didn’t like the way worship was or whatever it was that didn’t “appeal” to me/you, well, just go look for a new church. Easy enough here in America. We have a church on every corner where I live. There’s a street near me that has 5 or 6 churches right next to each other, all different denominations. Every year they have a Living Nativity and open their doors for people to come inside their Sanctuaries and listen to Christmas carols. This past year I went with new colored glasses….I also went inside the Catholic Church this year for the first time. I’ve been 4 years in a row now to the Living Nativity, but I never set foot in the Catholic Church. It was a false religion! That would be the same as eating dinner with the Anti-Christ. After all, the Pope was supposed to be the Anti-Christ! Anyway, I’m off track. Where was I? Oh yeah, unity….what is unity in the RCC? It is unity of faith and morals. Atleast that is how I understand it. I surely hope no one is here reading to learn about Catholicism from me. Turn away and find another blog. This is just my place to sort out my fried brain. Okay, unity…..we can look to the Church for teachings on Faith and Morals. Look to the Catechism which is very easy to read and understand. If you’re not sure what you think about abortion? Look to the Church. They’ve already decided…it’s wrong. It’s a sin. Same-sex marriage? Look to the Church. It’s been decided. What about birth control? Again, the Church has spoken. It makes life alot simpler. I can quit worrying about if I’m in the right church or not, if I’m being taught right or not. I can just BE, and WORSHIP, when I am at Church. I don’t have to be a theologian, or make sure I’m not in heresy. If I’m going against the Church, then I better take a second look at what I’m doing. I like what G.K. Chesterton said, and I’m paraphrasing, “I don’t want a Church that I agree with, I want a Church that is Right where I am Wrong!” OUCH! Why did I go on this tangent? Oh yeah, the RCIA class….the latest discussion was on whether Jesus made a mistake or not. The modernist Sister thinks so, our Priest thinks so, the orthodox catechists thinks NOT (there’s two of them) and my Sponsor thinks SO….having a sponsor that is so Protestant has been very difficult for me. I feel like I can’t go to him and ask him my hard questions. He tells me I should have more of an “open mind”! Where do we draw the line? The Church says Jesus was Fully Human and Fully God. The Catechism said nothing about Jesus making a mistake. It’s just a modernist movement in the Church, which I don’t get! Why do people want to buck the Authority? So within the Church there is not as much unity as I wish. There is unity in Faith and Morals from the Church’s teachings, but not within the laity. I confess that stumbles me.

That had me going back to my LLL board where this all began. I posted a sincere question. I wanted to hear from the “other side” what is my argument against the Authority of the Church as a Protestant? I asked for someone to help me understand it? I’ve even tried to convert myself back! I’ve tried to read opposing views, watched a terrible video, I wanted to hear those theologian wanna-be’s on LLL give me their best case. But some of them just got nasty! Accused me of my motives, etc. If they were trying to “save” their dear Sister in Christ, they just pushed me further to the Church! Which side has show more Love and Mercy….not always and I don’t want to be stereotypical, but for me, I have seen more Love and Mercy from the Catholics. I’m sure there are mean-spirited Catholics too. But I hope that if someone is sincere in asking me questions, I remember to respond to them with charity.

Anyway, all of that said to say I am on a spiritual roller coaster. I’m ready to get OFF! I’m so ready for Easter Vigil. I have done my best to convert back! For lack of a better way of describing it. But I am like St. Peter, where would I go? Which church would I convert back to? None of them have the fullness of the Faith! This is the real deal. Feelings or not. I don’t see anyway around the Authority of the Church. Not that I want to! I’m relieved that there is an Authority. I’m eager to meet my Lord in Holy Eucharist! I’m ready to GROW in the Grace and Knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Help Me Come Home, Lord! I’m almost there!

The following is an email I sent to the catholicspitfiregrill yesterday. I’m recording it here so I will not forget my present struggle, nor get prideful in the future when I get past this struggle, and to remind myself of WHOM I came to the Catholic Church for, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I’m also recording it here in case it helps someone else along the way who is experiencing this same struggle:

Okay….tell me again how as a Catholic I only have to agree to what the
Magisterium of the Church teaches, that the official Church Teaching is
what I look to regarding doctrine, that the Saints are who I look to as
an example of what the Catholic Church teaches on how to follow Christ,
and that I don’t have to agree or even like what my priest
says/does….that it doesn’t matter if my particular priest is vocal
about wishing the Church would allow married priests, women priests, gay
married priests, etc. Okay, he didn’t say he hopes for gay married
priests, but I was afraid to ask after everything else he said. He was very
vocal about the other two though. He also scoffed at some of the new
changes coming in regards to particular language of the Mass (something
about “dew” of the Spirit instead of “power” of the Spirit). He also
stated that we would find in the Catholic Church both liberal and
conservative branches and while he agreed more with the liberal side he
tried to keep things down the middle during Mass, etc.

He also mentioned knowing a man who was very involved in the Mormon
church who later in life read his way into the Catholic church but never
converted. So I asked him to elaborate on that for me more. Why would
someone knowing the Catholic Church was THE Church, NOT convert? (Cause
after I knew the Truth I felt compelled to. There was no other choice
for me, but I didn’t tell him that though). He said, it was okay, one
didn’t have to be Catholic. That he didn’t worry that God wouldn’t save
that Mormon, because He would save him. That it simply affected our
happiness here in this life by coming into communion with the Catholic
Church. And that in heaven there would be more happiness for us there
than if we had not come in here. And one of the sponsors gave an
example that St. Therese said about a thimble and a cup filled. They are
both filled as much as they can hold….that will be what it’s like in
heaven. The Catholic Church enables the cup rather than the thimble.
The Catholic Church gives us so much joy here. I’m sure I’m botching it
a bit. There was just so much said today, I’m trying to remember it
all. This on the heels of last week when my RCIA director didn’t know
about Hebrews and the “cloud of witness” being Biblical support for
communion of the saints. He basically said it was not, that the cloud
of witnesses was referring to “eyewitnesses” watching us here on earth.

I’m having trouble trying to describe what I’m wrestling with here

And while I like to think of God accepting everyone into heaven. It’s
just that this isn’t what I’ve been taught my whole life. Jesus is the
way, the only way, no one gets to the Father but through me. Does this
mean that Jesus died and one’s entrance to heaven is not dependent on
one’s belief in Him as the Way? If the Mormon comes in….and don’t get
me wrong….I want everyone to come in. I guess its dependent on what
we do with what knowledge we have? And so the Mormon not having the
complete Truth is not guilty? (I’m just using them as an example).
Sometimes….like today…..I think I’ve been brainwashed my whole life, and
now I’m seeing the light for the first time. Either that or I’m very
confused. I’m not sure which.

I’m experiencing those doubts again. The tapes of “Whore of Babylon”
and all those other anti-Catholic baggage tapes are playing in my head.
The conversion part is very difficult. Some days are easy, and some
days are plagued with doubt. Just yesterday I was sharing with a new spitfiregrill
member that I was afraid in the beginning that I was losing my salvation
but what JOY now. And mostly I am experiencing great JOY until those
doubts come creeping in again. But here I am today having those doubts
again!

I’m looking for some good tapes that would help me counter those
anti-Catholic tapes playing in my head. Specifically ones that would
counter Chuck Missler (if any of you are familiar with him. I think he
refers to Dave Hunt alot).

I have this feeling that I came from a VERY fundamentalist and narrow
minded background and God is trying to undo all of that now. Perhaps
that is why He has placed a liberal priest over me, to show me that it
is HIM I am to look to, not a man.”