Sunday we had the Homilies of all Homilies. Our newly ordained Deacon gave a homily on the Social Teaching of the Church in light of the election around the corner and the importance of this election. He mentioned that life was sacred at all levels, not just from conception. I agree with this. But it was obvious that he had an agenda. He went on to talk about the need for the faithful Catholic to vote his conscience when it comes to the election. And that if after much prayer, studying the issue, and discussion , if you as a faithful Catholic disagreed with what the Church teaches (abortion) then you must vote your conscience. Okay, fine, I understand that not all Catholics will be voting for the candidate that is pro-life. They will look to the war as a “life issue”, even though there is a good argument to be made that abortion is the main issue on which to make your decision. But the main thing that troubles me is that I don’t think the pulpit is the place for our deacon to be discussing this. Especially, since I knew where he was heading in the future because of how our priest leans.

Oh my. I had to pray earnestly before receiving Holy Communion to help me forgive the Deacon. I had to fight back tears so as not to make a scene. This Church that I have come to BECAUSE of Authority and Eucharist, to have those that were born into her or who are in the Seminaries dissenting from the Magisterium and not appreciating the Church’s Authority just breaks my heart.

So I prayed for forgiveness “Help me to Love and forgive, Lord.” And then I received the Precious Body and Blood and Soul and Divinity from the Deacon’s hands. Afterwards I kneeled in prayer and thanksgiving and adoration. I even truly had forgiven our Deacon.

But then Father-right before dismissal-added his two cents. He said that he agreed with all that the Deacon said during the homily, but that he would only add one other thing regarding conscience. ANd that would be something that Cardinal Newman had said after the Pope’s infallibility doctrine was declared (I think that’s what he said). Cardinal Newman said (I’m paraphasing my priest), “I drink first to conscience and then to the Pope.” And then Father went on to talk about how we must examine our conscience because the Holy Spirit speaks to our conscience (I agree) and also because the Holy Spirit can impress upon the laity whether a teaching of the Church is true or not. Also, he never talked about how we need to have a PROPERLY FORMED conscience. The part he omitted was how we can use the Catechism, the Teaching of the Church and Scripture to help PROPERLY form our Conscience. Otherwise, our conscience can deceive us, but he never mentioned this. He just repeated that if our Conscience is going against the Church’s teaching, then we must go with our Conscience. And to illustrate this, he used the example of how 90% of Catholics disagree with the Church’s teaching on birth control. And so they practice birth control. And so it is acceptable and not a sin (nevermind the Church calls contraception intrinsically evil) because they are only following their conscience.

He said that during the 70’s he almost lost his position because of his stance on birth control and how he believed the Church was WRONG on this teaching. But praise be to the Blessed Mother, he did not lose his position. He then went on to say that since 90% of Catholics believe that birth control is wrong, that therefore the Church MUST BE WRONG ON THIS TEACHING. Can you believe that?!?!?!?!? A teaching of the Church is wrong, because the laity think it is. Nevermind that perhaps the reason the laity don’t like it is because it’s a hard teaching. Or perhaps the laity aren’t being taught why “no contraception”. Nevermind that the 90% of Catholics he is talking about are American Catholics, not Catholics of the whole world and of all time. But just because it’s unpopular does not make it wrong anyway. I would suggest that the opposite is true. Most likely, the more unpopular the teaching, the more likelihood it’s TRUE. After all, Our Lord didn’t come preaching things that were popular. His teachings were “hard teachings” as well. Turn the other cheek. Pick up your cross. Deny yourself. Even the Eucharist was a hard teaching and many disciples left him at that time. (See John 6)

Besides morality is not something one votes on. A thing is either moral or not! It doesn’t cease being moral. A thing is either True or Not. It doesn’t cease being TRUE just because we human beings change our mind on the thing.

Anyway, our priest thinks that this is a correct understanding of the “Sensus Fidelium”. I asked my spitfire members for help. Here is what one member replied with:

The Latin term you’re looking for is “sensus fidelium” – the “sense of the faithful”, if you will. The classic case is the definition of the dogma of the Immaculate Conception by Pope Pius IX. It is crucial to understand, contra your pastor and deacon, sensus fidelium is meant as a gift given to the faithful as a whole not as individual people. To use an ancient definition, it would be the faith “held always and everywhere, and by everyone”. As such, to attempt to use sensus fidelium as an argument for individual dissent on a topic of faith or morals long held by the Church is at best a mistaken misappropriation of a term and at best an attempt to confuse the people by and intentional mis-statement of a somewhat complex (in action, if not definition) concept.

So I just had to get this off my chest. We ain’t leaving this parish. DH says no way. We are not Protestants anymore, he says. We stay and do our part. He says that if we leave this parish for the orthodox one down the street, what’s to keep that parish from having a liberal priest come in a few years down the road, and then we’re faced with the same problem. So, we will stay and do our part, he says.

Pray for me. I’m not gifted with eloquence of speech. I have to speak in RCIA (as a catechist) and the topic I have been asked to speak on is LIFE of all things, and the Church’s teaching on LIFE. So I know that Fr. will come to sit in on this class, and obviously we will have a disagreement. I’m not so good at disagreements or butting heads. I fear I will not act with as much charity as I should. I fear I will stumble the new catecumen who is in our RCIA class.

Sigh.

Only 3 more months or so until Easter. I feel like I know Church History well enough, at least well enough to not be able to turn back anymore. I also have a good understanding of the various apologetics of why the Catholic Church is Christ’s Church. I’ve studied out Peter and the Keys and all of the other various doctrinal issues that stumbled me in the beginning to feel confident that my choice is the right one. Bottom line, I am relieved that there is a Catholic Church. For when the thought crosses my mind that perhaps I’ve made a mistake, and I try and figure out which church to pick to worship at except for the Catholic Church….I come up blank. Either I care too much about facts and history and having my doctrine make sense, or here I must stand, waiting to be Catholic. To not be Catholic means to lose my faith. To not be Catholic means walking away from the Eucharist. And that simply is not an option. I know my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I cannot walk away from Him. He has led me here. That much is clear. It’s when I listen to the other voices that I get confused. The Church herself, Her Teaching is not confusing to me anymore. But….

The things that are stumbling me now:

1. Liberal priest.
2. Liberal nun that just started teaching our RCIA.
3. Clergy who disrespect the Magisterium.
4. Priest telling dh to get “V”.
5. Anti-Catholic tapes still play in my head from time to time.
6. Still trying to figure out how the Reformers could walk away from the Church…am I ignorant to run to Her?
7. Mary…although she’s also on my drawing closer list…go figure.

Things that are drawing me closer:

1. The Eucharist….how I long for the Eucharist!
2. Confession. I see the need in my own life. While I have confessed my sins privately all my life, they are still in my head haunting me.
3. Church History is very compelling. I don’t see any way around it.
4. Adoration
5. Richer prayer life because of the Rosary and many, many other prayers to learn.
6. Saints whose lives I can study for the rest of my life, and ask to pray for me.
7. Mary…I have included her in intercession requests now. And have even begun to pray the Rosary some.

Someone from the “catholic spitfire grill” quoted G.K. Chesterton as saying that the final stage of a convert’s journey is terrifying. I can SO relate to that. It’s like there is no going back once I say “yes” on Easter. The first stage of the journey was incredible. It was like a honeymoon. This stage is almost like a death, at least it seems that way when evaluating my former life as a Protestant which is no more. I sometimes feel like I’ve come out of a cult, even though I know it’s not quite the same. But I have been raised my entire life to believe the Bible is my Sole Authority, and not only that, I was even taught to suspect other denonimations as not truly being Christians either. Methodists, Lutherans, Episcopalians, etc. these were all dead churches. They were too close to Catholicism in their formal church services. Churches should be free to the Spirit. Formal liturgy was dead. (I don’t think this anymore, by the way.) And even when attending a non-denominational church, one had to be careful that it wasn’t “watered down” or too “seeker friendly”. So even then you had to be careful that your doctrine was “right on”. Well, I learned that lesson really well. Because when my doctrine didn’t seem right on anymore, and I started realizing the contradictions in not only my church but also all the contradictions between the various denominations, I was compelled to dig deeper, find out the Truth. Which church was right? This ultimately led me to the Catholic Church. The last place I ever dreamed I would end up.

Unfortunately, I’ve also been taught many anti-Catholic lies over the years. Things like the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and that the Catholic Church is really the Whore of Babylon. When I hear of statues of Mary that cry tears of blood, my first thought is “Oh NO….see it’s true. I have been deceived. I am slipping into the great apostasy they used to talk about that would happen in the last days! This really is Satan’s Church! RUN!” But where would I run? Besides, once my freakout is over, there are always good answers to things I don’t understand in the Catholic Church. I had it explained to me that those statues and miracles speak to people when the Written Word cannot. Something hard for us literate Westerners to understand. Miracles minister to some people. Obviously, bleeding statues don’t minister to me. (Atleast not yet!) And that’s okay. The Church is so BIG….so much bigger than my previously narrow minded view. I am amazed still that He wooed me to His Church. I am so grateful that He wasn’t done with me. But like I said, this phase feels a bit like my old self is dying. Memories of former church fellowships, friendships that won’t be the same, family life that feels strained when speaking of things religious because they all think (except for my sister) that I’ve veered into a false church. They don’t get it. I wouldn’t get it if the shoes were reversed. It’s scary. And exciting. All in the same breath.

Today a new “RCC inquirer” reminded me of that feeling I had earlier in my journey….the feeling of “Why me, Lord?” Why do I see the Truth of the Catholic Church, but not those nearest and dearest to me. Why me? What am I missing? Do my friends, pastor, family and others more spiritually and theologically adept than me know something really important that I don’t about the Catholic Church, and if I did, would I then realize my error and run back to Protestant Land? But which church would I run back to? Which one included all the essentials of the Christian Faith as I now understood them to be? None of them. I searched all the other side out, looking for an argument to save me from my mistake. But none of them made since. Only the Catholic Church made sense. They had the more convincing argument, actually. They had the explanations for all of my questions that I used to push to the back of my mind for another day. And those wonderful ladies on the LLL forum were a convincing testimony to me as well. They were well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments. Seemed like how a Christian should act. Not that Protestants aren’t well spoken and articulate and loving in their arguments, just that Catholics weren’t supposed to be. They were supposed to be non-thinking easily deceived ritualistic pagans that were being duped by the Pope into thinking they were worshiping Jesus. AND they weren’t supposed to have an argument.

And I remember being confounded that those around me couldn’t see what I could see. It really bothered me. Actually it scared me. I remember asking the gals from the Spitfire Grill, “Why Can’t They See It”. And their answer was it was His Grace given to me to see. There was nothing more special about me than anyone else….I wasn’t smarter or more reflective or more anything except that I had asked God to show me more about Him, I wanted to know “Who He Is?” I asked….and He answered. God doesn’t push Himself on anyone. If you want more, He will give you more. But you have to ask. I will confess I did NOT expect the answer He gave me.

2 years back, when my journey began I remember feeling so desperate when I was worried for my loved one’s salvation (which now looking back I shouldn’t have, she was just fine) but at that time I was so worried, and that was when the first chipping of my Protestant foundation began, when I first realized that maybe I might not have my doctrine right after all. Maybe it was my understanding of the Bible and who God is that was wrong, not my loved ones. So I asked God, I remember crying out to him from my living room couch, tears streaming down my face, “What does it mean to serve you, the Living God of the Universe?” “Because I want to serve YOU, not who I think you are, not someone I’ve made you up to be, but You God.” “Please Show Me The Truth”. I felt so low. But lower times were to come. Because that was before my comfortable church home split up. That was before we began church shopping and seeing all the differences out there. That was when the real hard questions began….like why am I a Christian? And what is a Christian? And what if this is all make believe? I was close to becoming agnostic. Not an atheist, because I never stopped believing that there was Someone Who Made It All. But I didn’t have a solid foundation for my Faith. It was all built on the Bible alone. But I was starting to doubt the Bible because everyone and their Grandma was quoting from it to make it say what they wanted it to say, including myself. And I needed to know that it spoke clearly. It’s almost hard for me to believe now that I didn’t think these questions before!!!

And how does conversion take place? Even that is a weird thing if you think about it. I guess that is what Jesus is talking about when He says you must be born AGAIN. The first conversion is just as hard to understand but we accept it in childlike faith. I remember watching an episode of “The Journey Home” and Fr. Benedict Groeschel was on (I think that is who, but don’t quote me on that) and he mentioned something about your entire life being a series of conversions. To be open to them. And that the conversion to the Catholic Church is an intellectual one for Protestants. That makes sense to me, but still…..very strange this journey from one land to the other. I don’t look at my past Christian walk in various denominations as a waste of time, but truly God was using all of the stops along the way to bring me home to the Catholic Church. Why did it take so long? I don’t know, but I am thankful that it didn’t take longer!

Yesterday in the mail I received my monthly newsletter from Focus on the Family. This issue was devoted to the horror of abortion. At the very end, an article was included written by Frank Pastore talking about Pope Benedict’s recent statement defending the decision of Mexican church leaders to deny communion to those politicians who voted to legalize abortion, rather than defending the unborn. I’ve copied it at the end.

When I read the Pope’s statement, it was said with such clarity and graciousness. Very telling to me what kind of a man he is, and what kind of leader he is for Christ’s Church. I am so thankful to have been led to the Catholic church. This is what I’ve been searching for. The House of God, the pillar and bulwark of the truth (2 Timothy 3:15). A solid rock foundation that doesn’t get tossed around with the changing winds of culture. We don’t have to wonder if abortion is right or wrong, the Church has it figured out already. I can now rest in that foundation knowing that 2000 years have been devoted to wrestling it out, as well as many other faith and moral issues, and that this Church and Pope is being guided by the Holy Spirit.

The beauty of this to me is that instead of me always trying to figure out the basics of my faith, and what does this passage of Scripture mean, etc. I can now move on to a deeper faith spent in more prayer and contemplation instead of so much study. I’m thankful for my years of Bible study, and I will continue to read my Bible and meditate on the Word and let Him speak to me through His Word. But I don’t feel burdened to rely on my own intellectual understanding (or lack thereof) of the Scriptures in order to be a Christian. It is like when Peter said in 2 Peter 3:15-16 ,

And consider the patience of our Lord as salvation, as our beloved brother Paul, according to the wisdom given to him, also wrote to you, speaking of these things, as he does in all his letters. In them there are some things hard to understand that the ignorant and unstable distort to their own destruction, just as they do the other scriptures.

I know that I am ignorant in Greek and Hebrew and many other things required to aid me in understanding the Sacred Scriptures, nor did I attend seminary school (and even if I did, it would be important which one because in the Protestant land, they are not in agreement). For that I/we need the Church’s Teaching when it comes to matters of morals and faith. The Church that is the foundation and pillar of Truth. The One Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church.

Is abortion murder or not? The Church is very clear on this. There is no grey area. Praise the Lord.

Here is the article. It is not up on FOF’s website yet so I can’t post a link.

Where Are the Protestant Benedicts?

by Frank Pastore

After hearing so many of our politicians try to deftly finesse and coyly nuance themselves into so many murky, equivocal shades of grey, wasn’t it great to hear a man of principle and conviction speak last week with clarity on a moral issue of great importance to so many people?

While aboard the papal plane in route to Brazil, Pope Benedict was asked about the Mexican bishops who were threatening to excommunicate the Catholic politicians who voted in favor of legalizing abortion in Mexico City.

Benedict said, “Yes, this excommunication was not an arbitrary one but is allowed by Canon Law which says that the killing of an innocent child is incompatible with receiving communion, which is receiving the body of Christ….They (Mexican church leaders) did nothing new, surprising or arbitrary. They simply announced publicly what is contained in the law of the church…Which expresses our appreciation for life and that human individuality, human personality is present from the first moment (of life).”

He said those who vote in favor of abortion have, “doubts about the value of life and the beauty of life and even a doubt about the future….Selfishness and fear are at the roof of (pro-abortion) legislation…We in the church have a great struggle to defend life…Life is a gift, not a threat.

Pope Benedict, God bless him, drew a line in the sand on abortion.

How refreshing to hear a Christian leader do so.

According to the Pope, Catholic politicians who vote in favor of abortion should not receive communion and they risk excommunication from the Church. According to Church law, anyone who knowingly commits or allows a grave sin, such as abortion inflicts “automatic excommunication” upon themselves.

I’d love to hear some Protestant Benedicts speak with such clarity.

But, where are the pulpits of men with conviction and principal eager to take politically incorrect stands?

Where are those men with chests who fear God more than men?

Where are those pastors who care more about their faithfulness to the biblical text than they do about filling their pews and their next building program?

Where are the denominations that still care about such things?

Who are the radio and television ministries who regularly address such things?

They are so rare.

Which is why I am so proud of Pope Benedict and the Catholic church, even though I’m not Catholic.

The following is an email I sent to the catholicspitfiregrill yesterday. I’m recording it here so I will not forget my present struggle, nor get prideful in the future when I get past this struggle, and to remind myself of WHOM I came to the Catholic Church for, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I’m also recording it here in case it helps someone else along the way who is experiencing this same struggle:

Okay….tell me again how as a Catholic I only have to agree to what the
Magisterium of the Church teaches, that the official Church Teaching is
what I look to regarding doctrine, that the Saints are who I look to as
an example of what the Catholic Church teaches on how to follow Christ,
and that I don’t have to agree or even like what my priest
says/does….that it doesn’t matter if my particular priest is vocal
about wishing the Church would allow married priests, women priests, gay
married priests, etc. Okay, he didn’t say he hopes for gay married
priests, but I was afraid to ask after everything else he said. He was very
vocal about the other two though. He also scoffed at some of the new
changes coming in regards to particular language of the Mass (something
about “dew” of the Spirit instead of “power” of the Spirit). He also
stated that we would find in the Catholic Church both liberal and
conservative branches and while he agreed more with the liberal side he
tried to keep things down the middle during Mass, etc.

He also mentioned knowing a man who was very involved in the Mormon
church who later in life read his way into the Catholic church but never
converted. So I asked him to elaborate on that for me more. Why would
someone knowing the Catholic Church was THE Church, NOT convert? (Cause
after I knew the Truth I felt compelled to. There was no other choice
for me, but I didn’t tell him that though). He said, it was okay, one
didn’t have to be Catholic. That he didn’t worry that God wouldn’t save
that Mormon, because He would save him. That it simply affected our
happiness here in this life by coming into communion with the Catholic
Church. And that in heaven there would be more happiness for us there
than if we had not come in here. And one of the sponsors gave an
example that St. Therese said about a thimble and a cup filled. They are
both filled as much as they can hold….that will be what it’s like in
heaven. The Catholic Church enables the cup rather than the thimble.
The Catholic Church gives us so much joy here. I’m sure I’m botching it
a bit. There was just so much said today, I’m trying to remember it
all. This on the heels of last week when my RCIA director didn’t know
about Hebrews and the “cloud of witness” being Biblical support for
communion of the saints. He basically said it was not, that the cloud
of witnesses was referring to “eyewitnesses” watching us here on earth.

I’m having trouble trying to describe what I’m wrestling with here

And while I like to think of God accepting everyone into heaven. It’s
just that this isn’t what I’ve been taught my whole life. Jesus is the
way, the only way, no one gets to the Father but through me. Does this
mean that Jesus died and one’s entrance to heaven is not dependent on
one’s belief in Him as the Way? If the Mormon comes in….and don’t get
me wrong….I want everyone to come in. I guess its dependent on what
we do with what knowledge we have? And so the Mormon not having the
complete Truth is not guilty? (I’m just using them as an example).
Sometimes….like today…..I think I’ve been brainwashed my whole life, and
now I’m seeing the light for the first time. Either that or I’m very
confused. I’m not sure which.

I’m experiencing those doubts again. The tapes of “Whore of Babylon”
and all those other anti-Catholic baggage tapes are playing in my head.
The conversion part is very difficult. Some days are easy, and some
days are plagued with doubt. Just yesterday I was sharing with a new spitfiregrill
member that I was afraid in the beginning that I was losing my salvation
but what JOY now. And mostly I am experiencing great JOY until those
doubts come creeping in again. But here I am today having those doubts
again!

I’m looking for some good tapes that would help me counter those
anti-Catholic tapes playing in my head. Specifically ones that would
counter Chuck Missler (if any of you are familiar with him. I think he
refers to Dave Hunt alot).

I have this feeling that I came from a VERY fundamentalist and narrow
minded background and God is trying to undo all of that now. Perhaps
that is why He has placed a liberal priest over me, to show me that it
is HIM I am to look to, not a man.”

Boy-oh-boy am I reading a good book right now! “Theology for Beginners” by F.J. Sheed. It’s very deep and I have to read it s-l-o-w-l-y and really think about what the author is saying, try to let it sink in. And so I prayed for help in understanding this particular book that I’m in the middle of…at the author’s suggestion. Like I said, there are some deep theological questions in here that I have thought of over the course of my life from time to time, like for a split second and then the thought is too hard to think of any further. You know the kind, like how we are created out of nothing by God. And then my mind starts thinking about how God came into existence, and the idea of how He always was in existence. And then I sort of freak myself out with those thoughts and push them away for another day.

Also, I prayed for confirmation that I’m in God’s will in moving to the Catholic Church, that I haven’t gone off on some rabbit trail in search of something more intellectually stimulating for its own sake, that this is important my search for Truth. I prayed and then I picked up my book to read.

I’m reading along and I get to the last part of Chapter 8, on page 64 when Mr. Sheeds words just jumped out at me:

“Our Maker has told us what he made us for–to come to the fullest development of our own powers in total union with him.

Let us first take a look at this. Man’s highest powers are intellect, by which he knows, and will, by which he loves (and according to his love, chooses). The object of the intellect is truth, of the will, goodness. Our intellect is to come to the fullest knowledge of the supreme truth–which is God. Our will is to come to the fullest love of the supreme goodness which is God.

In knowing and loving God we shall achieve the purpose for which God made us. “

Wow….this hit me like a ton of bricks. Goosebumps all over!!! I have such a strong need to know the Truth because God made me to want to know the TRUTH! It’s not my own intellect I am following after or ego that is driving me. He made me this way. How liberating this idea is. He made me to want to know Him and love Him and in the Knowing and Loving Him, I am achieving the purpose for which He made me.

That is why I feel so fulfilled in this quest for the Truth. He made me to WANT to know Him FULLY!

Thank you Lord.